The Elijah Challenge

This is an expansion and continuation of my last post on 1 Kings 17.  As I've though further about some of these things, and read some of the comments over on Facebook from that post, it generated some further thoughts I wanted to put down.

Elijah is one of those amazing characters in the Bible.  I always liked when we covered him in Bible class or Sunday School.  And I loved reading his stories in our Illustrated Children's Bible.  They were so exciting and action packed.  Fiery chariots, fire from heaven, lots of miracles.  It's the stuff that a kid loves to think about.  As I grew older, I found new excitement in Elijah - mostly for the ballsy approach he had to life.  I admired the fact that he just brazenly walked in to the king and gave him the what what.  He also prayed some stuff that I was stunned about.  [It's the same thing that made me love Caleb's story.  At 80 the dude wanted the hill country from God so he could go bust up some giants.  Just a studly move.]

But the sad thing is, despite the fact that I really like the character of Elijah and his stories, they kind of stayed in that realm of superhero stories that we so readily file Bible stories under.  I don't know about you... Wait, yes, actually, I do.  You're like me.  We put these "heroes of the Bible" into the same category as Batman and Superman and Iron Man.  They are these amazing characters with some supernatural gifts - kind of like a Israelite version of the X-Men.

But then there is the phrase in James 5:17.  "Elijah was a man just like us..."  Uh....  I can't recall there being such a straightforward reminder like that about any other character.  James is telling believers to pray about things like healing and suffering.  And, as if he could hear people questioning the rationale of this, he throws out the example of Elijah.  [I'm using the NIV, because that is the way I learned this passage in school.  Others say, "a nature like ours" or "subject to the same passions as us."  I think they are fancy ways of saying the same thing.  NIV is more succinct and poetic.]  "Elijah was a man just like us.  He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the earth for three and a half years.  Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops."

Does that just punch you right in the eyes?  That is honestly one of the most convicting, hard to handle verses in the whole Bible for me.  Right up there with Matthew 5:28 and Ephesians 5:25 and Matthew 5:48.  So many times when we see things in the Bible that seem hard for us to do, we go into "yeah but" mode.  "Yeah, but that was Jesus.  He was God."  Or "yeah, but that was Paul.  I'm not Paul."  Or, "yeah, but that was a different time."  We can't use that this time.  We are supposed to pray with that kind of boldness and conviction and faith.  We can't cop out by saying, "Yeah, but that was Elijah.  He was a superhero."  Nope, he was a man just like us.

That brings a whole different dimension to the entire Elijah story.  It has to.  He's one of those bigger than life guys.  I would love to see a movie made about his life - one with high production values and killer special effects.  Call it Just Like Us.  (I also would love to see Samson made this way.  And Moses.)  I mean, look at the stuff he is involved in during his life.

• The very first time we see him, he is standing there in front of the evil King Ahab.  (I'm telling you, there is even great movie names.  Someone, get on this project, now!)  Elijah just flat out tells the king that there is not going to be any rain or dew or water.  Then he leaves.
• Elijah is fed by ravens at the brook of Cherith.
• Elijah stays with the widow and her son - and her flour and oil don't run out for three years.
• The widow's son dies.  Elijah prays over him and he comes back to life.
• Elijah goes back to King Ahab and his evil wife Jezebel.  They threaten his life.
• Elijah confronts the prophets of Baal at Mt. Carmel.  This is one of his biggest stories.  It is a post in itself.  During the showdown he mocks the prophets as they can't produce anything (humor too!).  Then he prays and calls down fire from Heaven.  Then the pagan prophets get slaughtered. (Yay, violence!)
• Elijah on foot outraces the king's chariot.
• Here comes the dramatic turn!  After the VICTORY, Elijah goes and hides in a cave and gets depressed.  He is afraid Jezebel is going to kill him - even after witnessing the crazy events at Mt. Carmel.  This story perhaps greater than any other shows how much "like us" Elijah actually was. He got scared and depressed too.
• Elijah confronted Ahab and Jezebel again - telling them that God was going to kill them and bring destruction on their house.  God extended mercy due to their repentance, until they turned back to paganism.  They died three years later just like Elijah said.
• The next king didn't like Elijah either.  So he sent fifty soldiers men to capture him.  Two different times Elijah called fire down from heaven to destroy the troops before the third guy asked for mercy because he was just doing his job.  Elijah went with that guy, and told the king he was going to die - which he did.
• Elijah didn't die.  Instead God pulled him up into Heaven in a whirlwind and chariot of fire.

Yup.  Just like us.  The guy is pulling fire out of the air like nothing.  He is telling people they are going to die and they do.  He stops the rain.  He outraces chariots.  Doesn't sound like me at all.  I get overwhelmed by everything.  I sit here frustrated and worried.  And helpless.  That feeling actually describes me a lot.  I feel helpless to change anything.  I just watch things going on and don't see what I can do.  I usually say something like, "All I can do is pray."  But then there is this guy Elijah.  He sees evil and suffering.  He observes injustice and pain.  But he doesn't sit there helpless.  He acts.

Now, it is very easy to hide behind a lot of excuses.  I'm not Elijah.  "Those were different days.  It is up to God to do those things.  God led him to pray those things."  But I ask you not to resort to those answers this time, just like I am trying to not allow myself to fall into those thoughts.  We see numerous exhortations to pray with boldness.  Hebrews 4:15-16 tells us to boldly approach the throne of grace.  John 16 tells us that when we ask in His name, He will give it to us.  And it says that we haven't asked for anything, so if we did we would have it.  Matthew 7 says if we ask, it will be given to us.  Matthew 18 tells us if two or more agree and ask, it will happen.  Matthew 21 says we will receive what we ask in prayer, if we ask in faith.  These sentiments are echoed in parallel passages in the other Gospel books.  James 1 tells us to ask and not doubt.  1 John 3 and 5 both tell us to ask God for what we need.

We have concocted this kind of lily livered view of prayer, where we go to God and say, "Um, God, whatever you want to do is fine.  Please do that.  If you are willing, then we would like this particular thing to happen.  If it isn't too much worry.  No biggie."  How does that match Elijah OR the passages in the last paragraph?  Quite frankly, it doesn't.  Looking at Elijah's life, I don't see a wimpy approach - except for that one passage where he hid in the cave and wanted to die.  Now THAT I can relate to.  But that is NOT the part we are supposed to see as our example.  We have this incredible example of a normal person who God used in a truly exceptional way.  And God wants us to live this way.

Years ago, I tried to live this way.  I started praying with increasing boldness.  I saw some incredible things happen in those days - things that when I tell people about them they look at me with the Spock eyebrow and wonder if I was serious.  But it did happen.  And it could again.  But are we willing to live that way?  Am I willing?  Instead of sitting back and waiting for things like the Libyan situation work itself out, why am I not aggressively and boldly praying for it to be solved?  Why don't I make specific and daring requests of God.  I'm not talking about "testing God" like Satan tried to do with Christ in the desert.  I'm talking about having confidence in my prayers.  

The last two years have sort of taught me to pray that way again.  I'm certainly not fully there.  But I am starting.  I have been praying for specific things about our home in Orlando.  When I prayed that Gabe would start to potty train, he started on his own the next day.  But it seemed that when I stopped praying about it, he stopped doing it.  Finances, academic ability, ministry opportunities.  All of those things should be offered up in the method of Elijah.  Am I able to believe in God that much?  Am I willing to invest myself that way?  Am I going to be committed to a life of faith and prayer?  

That's my challenge to myself - and to you.  Go and read about Elijah.  Then decide for yourself if you are willing to step up and become a person like that.  He was a man like us - can we be a man like him?  It isn't asking too much.  Those stories are in the Bible for a reason - and it isn't just to entertain children. It is to encourage us to live in a certain way.  It isn't a mediocre helpless life.  It is one of fire and whirlwinds.  

Know Your Role

I am drawn to a particular kind of movie (and tv show).  It is the one where there is an ordinary guy who must become extraordinary to save those around him.  It could be that he is forced into this position.  It could be that he fights it before ultimately embracing it. But this general theme is laced through my favorite movies.  It is why I like Batman and Iron Man more than other superheroes.  They aren't gifted with any superhuman abilities - with the exception of great wealth.  They decide they have to do something to rectify the evil going on and then make it happen.  But, underneath the suits and weapons, they are just guys fighting to save the people around them.  (Granted, their circle of influence is larger than most people's.)

This is one of the reasons the Harry Potter series resonates so much with me.  It is just an ordinary boy who has to become extraordinary.  Everything he does is to save people.  He becomes a warrior because he has to.  We see this in The Matrix, Braveheart, Burn Notice, Chuck.  I am drawn to those adventure.  I want to see myself in that role.  I guess I always have seen myself there.  I'm just an ordinary guy who sees that people need rescued and wants to lead the charge.  There are actually times where I have trouble disconnecting mentally from a movie because I desperately want to experience that thrill of fighting and defending.

I have always been the one in front.  I gravitate towards leadership positions.  Rarely am I satisfied to sit idly by in a meeting or Sunday School class.  I don't force myself into the limelight - I'm not an attention hog.  It is just the way I'm built.  I'm a leader.  And other people see that and want me to take that place.  I am not going to stage a coup to take over.  But if there is a void of leadership or an opportunity to step up, I will do it.  I had a leadership position in every club I was a member of in high school.  If I was active in a group in college, I usually ended up in an officer role.  When we start attending a church, it is usually just a matter of time before I'm teaching a class.

The problem is that right now, for this period of my life, I am not able to follow my usual pattern.  Due to my responsibilities with the kids, Heather's school schedule, commitments with Defender Ministries, and travel, I am not able to step into leadership.  I actually don't have any opportunities to be that at all.  And it is frustrating.  I'm not used to sitting in a class and having to listen week after week - thinking of how I would teach the lesson.  It has not been my lot in life to just watch things happen and not be an active part of making them happen.

One of our new favorite shows is Blue Bloods.  It is about a family with a long history of law enforcement. The father is police commissioner.  The one brother is a detective; the other is a rookie cop who just switched from law school.  The sister is a district attorney.  There even is a brother who died in the line of duty.  The family is the kind that I was mentioning earlier - ordinary good people wanting to make a difference.  Then there is the grandfather.  He used to be police commissioner.  But he was forced out due to politics and his own age and failing health.  Now he has to sit by and watch the rest of the family make a difference - and he's left cooking for their weekly dinners and offering the occasional piece of wisdom (often unheeded).  You can see the frustration in his face.  He wants to be out there.  His heart is still on the battlefield, but he has been forced to the back.  For the last few weeks, I have felt that way.  It has been very frustrating.

Today, something came to me that really got me thinking.  For the time being, my role really has changed.  I am not supposed to be the front.  I need to support from behind.  That is an uncomfortable place to be for me.  I'm sure some of this is pride and ego.  Some of it is just that it feels unnatural.  But that is the reality of the situation.  Our society loves to promote and embrace the hero, the superstar, the biggest and best.  We don't think about the people behind the scenes making that happen.  I am very guilty of this.  I mean, look at this entire post.  I am unhappy that I am not top banana.  I keep on mistakingly believing this whole thing is about me.  If I really was wanting to see my world changed, it wouldn't matter who is doing the job - just that it is getting done.

Those people on top can't make it without people behind them.  For every Harry Potter, there are dozens of Neville Longbottoms and Luna Lovegoods that also are battling.  Bruce Wayne has Alfred and Lucius Fox.  Tony Stark has Pepper Potts and Happy Hogan.  William Wallace would never have become the hero he was without Uncle Argyle and Hamish.  Those people know their roles and do them well.  The victory is just as much won through their efforts - even though that movies are not usually made about them.

I know there are things I can do in this place.  And I know they will have an impact.  And I wrote a few weeks back, I have started contacting the people on my Facebook friend list.  Mostly, this consists of sending them a message to encourage them.  So far, I have gotten a response from everyone I wrote but one.  Each one of them has said that the message meant so much, that it came when they needed it most. That is important.  I remember when I was running a ministry.  It gets to be lonely and stressful.  You usually only hear from people when they are upset at you.  It meant so much to get a positive note.  I can offer that to people.

Also, the entire Sunday School lesson was about how important it is to pray.  I fail at this so much.  One thing I have now is time.  I certainly could spend time each day praying - for my family, for friends, for Heather's classmates, for ministers and teachers around me.  That is something I can do that fits into my schedule.  Prayer is important.  Even if I can't physically be out there working and fighting, I can at least be praying for people.

It is a mindset - just like my weight loss efforts.  I have to choose to accept my role and embrace it.  Back in the day, Dwayne Johnson the actor was The Rock the wrestler.  He had a statement he used to yell before a match.  "KNOW YOUR ROLE AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!!"  It was a pretty arrogant and rude line that took a shot at the jobber entering the ring.  But it brings a level of truth with it as well - at least for me.  If I want to stay miserable, I can keep wishing for something bigger and better.  I can strain against my situation. Or I can accept the secondary role and work as hard as I can to help the people around me.  It still is an ordinary guy trying to change his world - it just isn't leading from the front.  It is helping from behind the scenes.  It isn't about me anyway, right?  Know my role.  Shut my mouth.  Get it done.

A Week of Answered Prayer

So by the old filing system, you can tell that this is a posting of the religious nature, so decide if you want to continue. I can wait. . . Oh, hey, so you're still here. Good. I know that I have posted a few times about the troubles and difficult days of our New World Order - me being home and wifey being at school. I was thinking about it, and it isn't right for me just to post on the weird and bad stuff and not mention the good - or the REALLY good. There are a couple of reasons that I shy away from the happier topics. First of all - and this really is the biggest thing in my mind - the rough stuff is funnier. I like to write and make people laugh. And it is easier to tell the weird stuff in a way to bring cheer - you know, laughing at someone else's expense, commiserating together, stuff like that. This leads into my second reason. Too often, when one is expressing the good stuff going on, it seems like bragging or rubbing it in. I don't want to do that. For all I know, you may have had a horrible week. I don't want you to sit there and resent my good week because you had a bad one. I know my friend Jill lost her dad last week. And I'm mourning with her, but she also could use some encouragement. Third, I'm a weirdo. But you already knew that.

So this is how this all went. We have gone through the whole summer. Heather is finally going to finish this semester next week. It is hard to believe that we already have been here for a whole semester! Of course, Heather has done awesome in her classes and is already establishing herself as a medical force to be reckoned with. Her classmates love her and so do her professors. And she is having a ball. And things have gone well at home. The kids have really acclimated well. There have been bumps - boredom is never a good thing for three kids in a small apartment. We actually had a rough stretch of a couple weeks where I was wondering if the kids had been swapped with human torturing robots. But it seemed everything turned late last week.

To what do I owe this transformation? I would like to have something really impressive like I cracked open a new set of parenting books or had a good talking to with them. But the fact of the matter is that we were at Sam's last week and bought a new Wii video game. DON'T JUDGE ME!!! I can see you shaking your heads already. The kids had been bored - and they had put up with a lot. So we were looking at the Wii games and Super Mario Galaxy was there for $25. I thought about it and had heard good stuff about the game. I had rented it and the kids seemed to like it. Well, I figured, "We don't go to movies. We don't go out to eat much any more. This is a better investment than those things." Well, the kids have found endless hours of play time - both Nat and Josiah like it. So that helped right away.

The other things that were giving us a some difficulties was the fact that we had not met anyone really up here. Heather had all of her med school classmates. And we, of course, have Greg and his parents. And there is Amanda, but she just went through a big life change herself. And then a couple of others - but nothing like we had in Orlando. We had not found a church, yet. We actually have only had a couple of Sundays to even have a chance to look. And that was really started to wear on us. Combine that with the "end of the semester financial strain waiting for the new disbursement to happen" and things were getting to be hard.

So here is the day by day rundown:

Friday

Heather got to go in later. And that night, Greg was able to come over. He and I went over to the Downtown Digital Dome to watch the U2 at D3 multi-media show. It was nowhere near as good as the stuff they do at MOSI in Tampa. But it was an hour of U2 on an awesome sound system. And it was free. And I got to spend some time with Greg, which is always a delight. Plus, it got us even more excited for the U2 concert in two months in Tampa.

Saturday

Like every day, Heather had to take some time to study. This is normal - I can think of only a handful of days since May that she has studied nothing all day. But, we then went to dinner over at one of Heather's classmate's house. He is an old college roomie of a friend of mine, went to UF, and knew several ministers I know. He and his wife invited us over - neither couple is from Tally and neither of us knew a whole lot of people. It was such a wonderful evening, being able to have adult conversation. (Another one of Heather's classmates was watching our kids.) We all had such similar outlooks on life, faith, medicine. It was a really neat time with some new friends - which is something we desperately needed.

Sunday

We were trying to get serious about finding a church. I don't like missing church and don't want my kids to get into the opinion that it is not important. We had planned on visiting a church across the street that meets in a movie theater. But Greg was trying Thomasville Road Baptist. This was one we had looked at visiting - it was recommended by some fellow ministers. But we just hadn't gotten there. So we decided to go. It was such a wonderful time. The service was not as contemporary as we have been used to. But the music was good and genuine. The pastor's sermon was very solid - encouraging us to pray boldly and specifically. It actually went against a lot of the (as he said) "broad, generic wimpy prayers" that are encouraged now. And the people were so friendly. As a church staff veteran, I know that there are people who "have to be" nice. These are greeters, staff members, deacons. But the people there who were not in those roles also reached out.

The kids loved their time. And Gabe actually made it through service and through part of Sunday School. The cool thing was that they buzzed us when he was not getting calm - a lot of churches take it upon themselves to help your kids acclimate. And when we got him, the director was very sweet to him and us. She smiled at him and said, "He did good. He made it an hour, which is good for a little guy in a new place." That meant a ton - to know that she wasn't going to lecture us on how we needed to be tougher. The strangest thing that happened was in Sunday School - or the 15 minutes we were in there. While I was talking to one of the guys in there, we were comparing similar things in our past. (His wife is from Oviedo, he lived in WPB and went to PBAC when my brother was there, he was a Marine like my dad.) He asked what I had done at the churches I worked at and I told him I was the Graphics Guy. A couple of minutes later, he said, "You do graphics?" I said yup. He asked what I was doing now. I explained how I was the stay-at-home parent. "You want a job?" Huh? Heather asked if I could work at home. He said, "Probably. I would have to check." He explained the situation and said to contact him this week. Whuuuu....? So they are looking at me as a freelancer. Didn't see that coming. After church, we went to lunch with Greg and a couple that he knows from TRBC. Another wonderful time with new friends. Sunday was a good day.

Tuesday

This was the weird day. (Oh, yes, weirder than Sunday.) Heather had school all day and we hung around the house - playing Wii, using the computer, doing our normal routine. Except we were adding in the dreaded realization that we had to go to the store. We were running low on the supporting characters for our meals and . . . (shudder) . . . diapers. When you have little money, shopping is not a cool thing to have to do (especially the money pit of diapers). Add to it that Heather didn't get home until 5:30, so dinner and grocery slammed up against each other. We came up with a game plan. We would go to Target to get their store brand diapers on one bank account, eat there (lousy cheap hot dogs), and then go to Publix for the rest. We toyed with hitting Wally World for all it, but I shot that down. I like Publix brand stuff and wasn't ready to switch at that point. So off to Target. I just couldn't stomach eating there, though. Every time we go there (as I wrote before) the food is a fiasco. I suggested going to Chick Fil A, knowing that it would be painful to the slim account. Surprise - it was KIDS NIGHT! So our final bill was the same as at Target. We ran over and got diapers and headed to Publix.

We were being careful, getting what we needed. As anyone with a caravan of kids know, you can be a spectacle at the store. The kids were being good, but they were still kids. Josiah had to go the bathroom, so I walked him over and then watched for him as Heather wheeled the other two in the gigantic truck cart. (Have you tried driving those things? With the kids in them, they weigh a thousand pounds. It's like pushing Volvo uphill.) Some guy saw us and joked about how difficult it looked and wondered why I was walking behind instead of pushing. We laughed with him about it and continued shopping. When we went to check out, he was in the aisle next to us and kept smiling at us. I started to feel a little weird, not being used to being ogled. I loaded up the food on the moving walkway. I scanned my card and the cashier told me, "You have a guardian angel. Someone paid for your bill." Uh, what? I looked over at the guy, as he deftly avoided my eyes. I couldn't believe it. I had heard of stuff like that happening. But never had it done. Someone just picked up our $71 grocery bill. He probably had no idea how much that meant to us, but it was unbelievable.

There's been lots of other things, too. Heather had two tests this week and did well on both. She has three next week, but seems really on top of stuff - no surprise there. A bunch of the kids' homeschool materials were 35% off for no reason at all. The kids have been awesome. In short, it seems like we have kind of hit our stride. Next week will be crazy. Heather has the tests, I am going to Orlando to teach some seminars for our old school, Heather has her White Coat ceremony next Friday, Heather's brother and sister in law are coming down to Jax, and we will be driving all over tarnation. We get a week off, and then school starts back up for Heather and the kids. It was kind of like this week was a good refreshing charge-up for the next race. It is just very clear, that even in this new place, we are not doing this alone.

Doubting David

It is hard admitting negative things about ourselves.  Sure, there are those of us who are what people call "self deprecating."  I joke that way a lot - especially about my weight and my melancholy nature.  But, honestly, it is not like people didn't know those things already.  Anyone who looks at me knows that I am "husky."  And if you hang out with me long enough, you too will join the throngs that have echoed something along the line of "You can be pretty negative."  I fight both of those things, but they still hang around like unwanted houseguests.  So my acknowledging those things are just accepting reality.  It would seem pretty silly for me to go around bragging about my shape, when my own four year old can - and frequently does - point out that "Daddy is fat because he has a HUUUUGE tummy."  

I mean that it is hard to admit negative things that are more hidden.  I remember that a few years ago, after reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, that I had to take a very hard look at myself.  I documented it in this award winning post.  I uncovered some very unpleasant things about who I truly was.  And I have worked - to varying degrees of success - to fix those ugly character traits.  This morning, I had a similar experience - with a very disturbing and shocking discovery.  I was reading With Christ in the School of Prayer by Andrew Murray.  Chapter Eleven to be precise.  I've read this book before, but my business partner Charles has been reading it all year (time and time again) and so I decided to read it again.  

[Small Note Here:  I firmly believe in the theory that the great Dr. Eddie Gilley taught me waaay back in '96.  "The only two things that will change who you are after the age of 18 are the books you read and the people you hang around."  Some try to challenge that by saying, "What about God?"  My answer is, "Well that's who you hang around, and the Bible is what you read."  Anyway, I push books on everyone because they can and will change you.  That is why so many of these self-discovery posts begin with "I was reading..."]

This chapter was covering the Biblical passage of Matthew 21 (parallel passage in Mark 11 and similar theme in Matthew 17), where Jesus says that if you have faith, you could cast a mountain into the sea.  I've heard this before many times.  I appreciate the verse and how it points out the importance of faith.  I've never been able to cast a mountain into the sea.  So, either I don't have enough faith or this is a figurative statement or there hasn't been a good reason to pray that.  Not sure.  Anyway, Murray went on about this promise and how it is an amazing promise that God gave us and that many people don't really have faith in the promise - since it is so extreme.  And then he made this point.  It isn't really just a lack of faith in the promise - is it really a lack of faith in the PERSON who MADE the promise.

I sat there at first, nodding and thinking about that.  I have a decent level of faith.  I've proven that over the years, by stepping out numerous times and trusting God.  Our daughter's middle name is Faith - which we chose to illustrate the importance of faith.  I kept reading the chapter, and then I started praying after that.  As I did, I began to realize the truth.  If you read my post yesterday about being weary, you know that I am wrestling with a lot of stuff right now.  And I am trying to say all the right things, and do all the right things.  But when I sat there this morning in that room by myself, I realized that I couldn't keep lying to myself or to God.  Right now, I don't trust Him.

That is what is hard to admit.  And I know that quickly all the people around me would either try to talk me out of that statement ("You do trust Him, you are just having a bad stretch.") or they would try to lecture me on how dangerous that is to say ("You had better fix that before it becomes a big problem.").  But it is true.  Right now, I don't trust Him to answer my prayers.  I have lots of reasons why.  I have had too many prayers that were not answered (our way of saying He said no.)  And they were good prayers that were about good things - like paying bills or getting a job or whatever.  I have waited too long for answers.  I have seen too many things that seemed like answers get ripped away - too many jobs that fell through, too many supporters who backed out, too many times that nothing changed.  

As these all built up, I began to just assume that the answer would be no.  I prepare myself that way.  I assume the job won't work out.  I assume no donations will come in the mailbox.  That makes the disappointment less when that is the case.  This is actually a big lie.  The disappointment is still just as bad, but there was no place of hope before hand that was dashed.  We as American Christians have such a screwed up version of prayer.  We tack on this "if it is your will" to everything - even though we don't care what HIS will is, unless it matches our will.  But we put that on there so it sounds right, and insulates us against the pain of a negative response.  "I guess it wasn't His will."  But it was OUR desire, and that hurts.  We don't pray boldly because we don't want to "back God in a corner."  But everything that is taught about prayer in the Bible involves big, audacious, faith expanding prayers.  They are fleece wetting, giant killing, wall tumbling, sea parting, mountain casting, water walking prayers.  We don't pray those.  We pray sissy prayers - and get so upset about those that we can't move past it.

The Bible is full of stories where prayers are answered in amazing ways - and relatively few where they aren't.  But our lives are the opposite.  I know that is true in my case.  I see so many prayers that I offer that come crashing down.  So, who do I blame?  God, of course.  He said no.  I ignore the first part of that verse in Matthew 17 - "If you have the faith of a mustard seed."  In Matthew 21 and Mark 11, the phrase is "If you have faith, and DO NOT DOUBT."  Whose fault is it, then?  Yes there are times when God says no - and He always has a reason for that.  But it seems that much of the reason our prayers are not answered is that we don't trust God can or will answer.  Last week, I read a passage in Oswald Chambers' classic My Utmost for His Highest.  He said that so many times we think that a little doubt it natural.  It is just us being smart enough, logical enough to know that we won't always hear yes.  But he said that any amount of doubt is sin - even a small amount.  It is questioning God's character, His Word, His nature, His promises, His power.  And, according to Jesus Himself, doubt is enough to derail our prayers - both big and small.

It is unpleasant for me to have to admit that about myself.  I take pride in my faith (probably too much, actually).  But, in reality, I have very little faith.  In reality, I doubt God all the time.  I don't believe He will follow through.  Even as I am praying the big prayers, hoping for the impossible to happen, I reserve a little bit of doubt just to protect myself.  But, for all I know, that could be what is keeping me from seeing victory.  That little protection is actually a poison - a destructive element that is killing me.  That is tough pill to swallow.  And it is a tough thing to say out loud.  I don't want that to be my legacy - doubting.  I want to see victories and amazing things done through God's hands.  I want to be a part of deliverance and rescue.  Am I willing to lose all of that to try to protect my feelings?  I guess that's the question I have to answer.

Where Did It Go?

Sometimes I just wonder where it went. I remember a time when I was so passionate about praying. It was when I lived in Tampa and worked at the church there. I was even the staff member in charge of the prayer ministry. I would meet with lay leaders in that ministry every week and pray. I would meet and pray with my student leadership every week. It was a major part of my life. I remember seeing unbelievable things happen during that time - things that I don't tell people about because it is hard for some people to actually accept they happened. Things that still freak me out now. I was so moved by the verses about Elijah and how he was just a normal dude who prayed and it didn't rain for 3 years. (I guess all the smoke this morning made me think about all of this.)

But that is gone. It went away a long time ago. And no matter how often I think about praying, or try to get back in the swing of things, I can't get myself to get back to that place I was then. I pray with my kids before they go to sleep. We pray before meals. I try to remember to pray with the kids in the car on the way to school. And every so often I toss up some prayers during the day. But there is not that intense seeking of God's face.

It doesn't make sense either. Now, with working at a non-profit without a steady source of income, trying to find bookings and ministry partners, the stakes are higher than ever. I know that. But I still can't get myself to do what I need to do. Sure I pray like crazy every single month when our money runs out. And I pray like crazy when the stress of month after month of not having enough weighs so hard on my wife she breaks down in tears. And I know God provides - we have never missed a bill or a meal. But those things we need keep getting put off until you can't ignore them. And then a month like this one comes along - the perfect storm of financial ruin. Salary is less than half of what we need . . . tax return has to fill in blanks and barely will . . . everyone gets sick and we get hit with hundreds of dollars in medical bills . . . five weddings over five weeks (two of which I am in, which adds more expenses) . . . summer comes and kids need clothes again.

So I pray about that - I cry about that. But it feels empty. And there is no miraculous solution. Yes, the tax return came three and half weeks early, which will cover most stuff. But we look at June with nothing coming down the revenue pike, and we know that it was a temporary fix. So I'll pray about that, but....

I remember charging the throne back in Tampa. I would pray ridiculous stuff and then stand there with mouth agape as it happened. In a lot of ways, it was the worst time of my life. I was watching the first church I ever worked for start a series of mistakes that ultimately would force me to leave. I was single and lonely and confused. My dad had died a few months earlier. But my prayer life was insane. I remember going to two different summer youth camps that year - and watching God just show up in unbelievable ways at both. One of my students was there as a counselor - and would not participate in the worship services. He was going through a lot and was getting very hardened. One night, the Spirit was so strong in the service and this guy stood there with his arms crossed, glaring at the stage. I started to pray that God would make him sing. I prayed for about ten minutes. I looked up and could tell the guy was uneasy. He started coughing and choking, like something was trying to force itself out of his mouth. Then he burst into tears and started singing, all that hardness melting away.

I just stood there staring. And now it seems so far away. I pray for provision, but it trickles in. I pray for guidance and wisdom, but feel like I only have a match lighting my path. I pray for opportunities for Defender, but get just enough to give us hope - not enough to keep things going regularly. What am I doing wrong? What happened? Can I ever get that back? Will I ever be able to do what it takes to get back there? I don't know. I have to get there - everything depends on it.