My Dirty Movie Secret

As anyone who is familiar with my hobbies, etc, knows, I love movies. I love the whole industry. I keep up with the movie rumors and development. I am interested in box office developments. And I love to break down movies and look at themes, messages, imagery, and how they can be seen in the light of a biblical worldview. Movies are today’s art form, in many ways. That’s why I have my movie review page over at Rotten Tomatoes and why I do stuff about the Oscars, etc. I enjoy movies.

All of that being said, I was listening to "Mike and Mike in the Morning" radio show this week. And they were razzing the guest host because he had never seen Gladiator. They said it is required viewing for all guys. That turned into a discussion on what movies “all guys” should have seen. That, combined with a discussion we had with some friends of ours the other day about movies, got me thinking. Me, being a movie buff, have seen a LOT of movies. But there was a long stretch when I didn’t see movies. I wasn’t allowed to watch them growing up. So I had not seen many movies that were made before 1990. So what movies would you, my blog-loving public, be surprised to hear that I have never seen? I was thinking through this question. I wanted to put this up as a list on Rotten Tomatoes, but couldn’t get it to work. So I will put this on here instead. Feel free to post insulting comments.

I have tried to lump them into different categories, and I’ll offer explanations if I think they are necessary. (NOTE: There are no horror movies listed because I don’t watch horror movies. The End.)

I WASN’T BORN YET
These are pre-1974 movies that I never have gotten around to watching on video. All of these have at some point been the point of the following comment: “You haven’t seen that? It’s a classic!”

• Jaws
• Scarface (Never saw it when I though violence was cool. Too late now.)
• Close Encounters of the Third Kind
• Gone With the Wind
• Ben Hur
• Spartacus
• Psycho
• ANY Alfred Hitchcock movie
• Great Escape
• Dirty Dozen
• American Graffiti
• It’s a Wonderful Life (this one earned a “What’s wrong with you?” from Heather)
• Miracle on 34th Street
• Wizard of Oz (Never have seen it all – parts but not all)
• King Kong (Old one)
• Godzilla (Any of the old ones)
• Sword and the Stone
• The Artistocats

I WASN’T ALLOWED TO
This would be the 1974-1989 era, when I was not allowed to watch movies. And, again, I haven’t gotten around to watching them since then.

• E.T.
• Goonies
• Gremlins
• Gremlins 2
• Romancing the Stone
• Jewel of the Nile
• Grease (This also falls under No Desire, since I have actually AVOIDED watching this one)
• Say Anything
• Better Off Dead
• Peggy Sue Got Married
• Heathers
• Porky’s
• Meatballs
• Revenge of the Nerds
• Fast Times at Ridgemont High
• Neverending Story (Any of them)
• Land Before Time (Any of them)
• Willow
• Dark Crystal
• Labyrinth
• The Wiz
• The Lost Boys
• Stand By Me
• Red Dawn
• War Games
• Soul Man
• All Dogs Go to Heaven
• Platoon
• Full Metal Jacket

I HAD NO DESIRE TO
1990-Present. For some reason, I have not had a desire to see these movies.

• The DaVinci Code (Rented it. Lasted about ten minutes.)
• Moulin Rouge
• South Park Movie
• Beavis and Butthead Movie
• Dazed and Confused
• Reality Bites
• Borat
• Day After Tomorrow
• Snakes on a Plane
• A.I.: Artificial Intelligence
• Pocahontas (Only seen parts with Natalie)
• Stuart Little (Any of them)

I NEVER GOT AROUND TO IT
1990-Present. I may have wanted to see them. I may even own them. But I have not gotten around to actually watching them.

• Hulk
• School of Rock (Own it – never get around to it)
• Luther (Own it – but have had it usually is at someone else’s house.)
• War of the Worlds (Own it - $5 – never in the mood for death on global scale)
• The Green Mile

Oscar 2008: The Reaction

Well, this proves one thing - don't take me to a gambling facility and hope that I am any help.  I got four right.  Out of 24.  That is just pathetic.  I guess that is what happens when you have not seen anything that got nominated.  Although, the "expert" on Yahoo! Movies only got 12 of 24 right.  What's his excuse?

I can understand the idiocy when it comes to stuff like Art Direction (which I got right on Yahoo! and wrong on my blog - I apparently switched them.  Good move, Staples.  What did the SAT teach you?  Go with your first instincts.)  But, when it comes to technical awards, when I have actually seen some of the films, how do you miss those?  In my picks, I said that I though Bourne Ultimatum should have won everything it was up for.  And it did.  But I didn't pick it.  I overthought it.  I also used that same logic with Original Screenplay - pointing out how the ultimate winner should win, but then picking something else.  And best song.  I pointed out how having three nominations hurt Dreamgirls, but then picked Enchanted to win.  On my Box Office Mojo picks, I said the ultimate winning song "Should Win."  In fact, if I had actually picked my "Should Win" picks on Box Office Mojo, I would have gotten seven right.

So I am an idiot.  And I guess I have no right to even criticize the awards, so I won't.  The only beef I had was with Visual Effects.  It was the only category that I had seen all the nominees.  And there was no way Golden Compass should have won.  There were some great things in there - the fighting polar bears, the flying ships, the battle scene at the end.  But Transformers had to create all the robots digitally and make them look real - which they were VERY real.  And Pirates had so many effects - the maelstrom, Davy Jones, the multiple Jack Sparrows.  Whatever.  You don't get to gripe if you can't even get half right.

I was even off on the length of the show - by 36 minutes.  But, see, I was basing that on if Michael Moore had actually won...

Live Blog of the Oscars Has Died

Well, I wanted to live blog the Oscars.  But, thanks to the ineptitude and ignorance of Brighthouse Cable, that is not going to happen.  Our cable has been out for two days.  No one knows why.  The technician is coming tomorrow.  Until then, no television.  Somehow, though, our Brighthouse Internet works.  Weird.

But, as I just checking a running tote board of the Oscar winners, I realized that I suck at prognosticating.  I'll give my reactions to the awards this week.

OSCAR 2008: The Predictions

Well, the Oscars are just two days away.  That's right, two days until the nation apathetically looks up at their television screen, stares at all the pretty people for a couple minutes, and then watches the Bassmaster's Tournament on ESPN2.  I can honestly say that I have never heard less excitement about an Oscar telecast.  That should do wonders for the ratings.  I already explained why this buzzlessness is going on (I think I just created a word) back in my Nomination Reaction posting.  Either the industry needs to start making "Good movies" people care about or make the movies people care about good.  

That all being said, here are my Predictions.  Ordinarily, I would predict the major awards, since I wouldn't have a clue on some of the categories.  This year, though, I am in the unique position of not knowing diddly doo about anything.  Of all the fifty-seven movies nominated, I have seen six (Ratatouille, Bourne Ultimatum, Enchanted, Transformers, Pirates 3, Golden Compass).  Just over 10%.  So, all of my predictions are pretty much guesses.

BEST PICTURE: Michael Clayton

I know, this isn't even on the radar right now.  But here's one word for you: Crash.  Just a couple years ago, nothing was really jumping out at anyone.  There were some movies that were being touted as big things (Brokeback Mountain), but nothing was head and shoulders ahead as best picture.  This year is the same thing.  There are people who hated There Will Be Blood.  Most people hated the end of No Country for Old Men.  So, just like with Crash, people will go with the movie with all the actors everyone loves.  

BEST ACTOR: Daniel Day-Lewis

Everyone loves him.  The only person with a shot to upend him is Clooney.  But if the voters gave George's movie the nod, they won't feel bad shafting him.  Plus he won two years ago.

BEST ACTRESS: Julie Christie

No clue what the heck her movie is about.  I just know everyone is talking about how great she did.  There isn't enough buzz for Linney.  Ellen Page is too young and cute to win (her victory was the nomination, as they say).  And the voters wouldn't dare give Blanchett the award twice for playing the same person.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Javier Bardem

Two reasons.  One, he is supposedly really creepy and bad guys are hip recipients lately.  Two, it is to make up for his movie getting screwed over.  (Or, if I am way off, it is part of the sweep for his film.)  The sympathy goes to Hal Holbrook.  I just think sympathy won't go far enough.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Ruby Dee

People are torn between Amy Ryan and Cate Blanchett.  Which bodes well for Ruby Dee.  This is a case where sympathy may go far enough, since there is not a clear front-runner.  The one wild card is how many votes were cast after Heath Ledger died.  If some people hadn't voted yet, they may have voted for Blanchett out of respect for Ledger.  (Seriously, these clowns think that way.)

BEST DIRECTOR: Julian Schnabel

The apathy strikes again.  Enough people feel weakly enough that he could sneak through like he did at the earlier awards.  The nominees are not the "A-List" guys who usually rule - no Eastwood, Spielberg, Scorcese.  So there is not a huge amount of emotional voting - except for the Coen brothers.  I hear that everyone loves them.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY - Michael Clayton

I would love to see Ratatouille win, since it should have been up for Best Picture.  But that would be a huge stretch for an animated film to win.  My second choice would be Juno.  I mean, how often will we have a chance to have Diablo Cody (former stripper) on stage for an acceptance speech at the Oscars?  I just think this is part of the apology to Clooney for him not winning.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY - There Will Be Blood

It has to win something besides Best Actor.  And this would get an award for Paul Anderson.

BEST EDITING - No Country for Old Men

This will actually get the Coen brothers an award, since they are Roderick Jaynes.  

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY - No Country for Old Men

It looks like something that would win this.

BEST ART DIRECTION - There Will Be Blood

I am entering into Guess Mode right about now.

COSTUME DESIGN - Atonement

They made a really big deal about the clothes in Atonement.

MAKEUP - Pirates 3

I just can't see anyone giving an Oscar to an Eddie Murphy comedy for anything.

VISUAL EFFECTS - Pirates 3

I watched two of these.  I just can't see Michael Bay winning an Oscar, even though digitally creating 50 foot tall robots is impressive.  But that maelstrom was incredible in Pirates.

SOUND - No Country for Old Men

This seriously reminds me of Crash and Brokeback Mountain.  Brokeback cleaned up all the tech awards and then got nothing on the big stuff.

SOUND EDITING - No Country for Old Men

Personally, I think Bourne should win everything it is up for.  But that usually doesn't happen.

ORIGINAL SCORE - The Kite Runner

Don't ask me why.

ORIGINAL SONG - "That's How You Know" from Enchanted

The movie has three songs nominated.  That usually is a good sign.  But, sometimes it just means getting three shafts.  Ask Dreamgirls.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE - Ratatouille

If it does not win, that would be an oversight on par with Saving Private Ryan losing to Shakespeare in Love.  I'm serious.  That is how much superior Ratatouille was to everything else.  It would be a "Top Five Greatest Snub" level mistake.

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM - Mongol

I don't know.  But, more importantly, I don't even care.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE - Sicko

This could also go to No End in Sight.  This is the year - you can feel it.  People are itching to be very political this year.  With the election and the economy.  They want to have someone come up and take a huge shot at Bush and everyone.  Who better than Michael Moore, especially with Castro's resignation?  

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT - Sari's Mother

For this touching profile of Mrs. Tom Cruise - Katie Holmes.  It uncovers the secrets behind her bizarre relationship with head whackjob Cruise.  What?  Oh, SARI'S Mother?  Whatever.

BEST ANIMATED SHORT - Even Pigeons Go To Heaven

You have to love that name.  

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT - The Tonto Women

It's about time that the Lone Ranger's sidekick got his due - even if it is about the lives of the women BEHIND the legend.

CEREMONY LENGTH - 3 hours, 51 minutes

See you for the live blog.

WEEKEND LIST: 5 MOVIES THAT SAMUEL JACKSON HAD NO BUSINESS MAKING

In honor of Jumper, one of the worst movies I have seen in the theater in years, I decided to come up with a list of some of Samuel L. Jackson's worst movie choices.  I haven't seen all of these because I am a discriminating movie watcher.  My point about it is, Samuel L Jackson (with the possible exception of Christopher Walken) has the absolute weirdest taste in movie roles.  He has no problem signing on for complete idiocy - even though he is a really good actor and can do some amazing work (A Time to Kill, Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown).

5. Loaded Weapon 1 - This 1993 satire of the Lethal Weapon series starred Jackson opposite Emilio Estevez.  It was so stupid.  I honestly cannot even remember any details of the movie.  I do distinctly remember one detail - I did not laugh during it.  Bad sign for a satire.  We need to cut Sam some slack here, though.  He had not really hit it big yet.  He had been in a few bigger roles, but his big breakout didn't come until the next year with Pulp Fiction.

4. Formula 51 - Jackson plays a master chemist in this 2002 mess.  Let's see.  He is a master chemist who has comes up with a drug 51 times more powerful than any high in history.  And he has cornrows.  And wears a kilt.  And ends up in England with Robert Carlyle.  Yeah, who can explain why it didn't set box office records.

3. The Man - It's 2005 and the movie industry just couldn't wait for the dream pairing of Samuel L Jackson and ... Eugene Levy?!?!  Everything about this movie seemed stupid.  There was nothing even remotely interesting.  Its $8 million haul and 12 rating seemed to show that everyone was equally down on the film.  I mean, when you receive comments like the following, you know you hit gold:  "Worthless movie."  "Utterly and fantastically boring and without purpose."  "This movie is completely unnecessary."

2. xXx: State of the Union - Okay. The original xXx starring Vin Diesel was stupid enough - trying to reboot the whole spy movie thing and combining it with Xtreme sports.  Jackson's character was superfluous and so beneath a C-List actor.  So coming back for the 2005 sequel - which even Diesel was smart enough to bail on - well that's just plain goofy.

1. The Long Kiss Goodnight - You have just come off of three of your biggest hits and best roles.  It seems natural for someone like Jackson to headline a big action film.  But, he just happened to pick one of the dumbest action film in the entire 1990s.  And that is saying a lot!  The movie stars Geena Davis as a housewife who begins to remember that she used to be a ... superstar assassin.  Jackson is a detective who helps her to figure out what is going on.  The movie is so stupid.  And it inexplicably turns ultra-violent at one point.  In addition, it has one of the five most ridiculous action scenes ever, as Jackson and Davis outrun a grenade explosion down a hall and jump out a window  Led me to one of my funnier lines, though.  "I guess that explosions aren't as fast as they used to be."

I know you probably expected to see Snakes on a Plane on the list.  But, even though the movie was horrendous, who else really could have done that role?  It isn't like he shouldn't have taken it and left it to someone else - DMX or Common come to mind.  He was the only choice.  The same goes for Die Hard 3.  Those weren't bad career moves.  And neither were the Star Wars Abominations 1-3.  This list is of movies he should have just bailed on.  And in time, I'm sure that Jumper will take its rightful place.