Drinking Haterade

The other day a brilliant and insightful person posted a statement on Twitter.  "You aren't a real sports fan until you hate someone."  While Bill Simmons has addressed this before, he was not the one who wrote that.  Yeah, okay, I wrote it.  But it was pretty good, right?  Think about it, can you really root for a team without also rooting AGAINST other teams.  And it helps to have a villain as a foil for your hero.  Joker makes Batman a better character.

Sports is one arena where this is so clearly demonstrated.  Players and teams are measured against other players and teams.  Greatness is assigned when one entity is demonstrably better than another.  When there are two teams/players so much better than every other, their greatness is even more amplified.  Larry Bird is considered one of the all-time greats because he excelled against other epic players - Magic, Dr. J, Dominique.  For him to still be so good with such powerful opponents showed how good he really was.  I think that is one reason a player like Allen Iverson is so undervalued - he didn't have any dominent competition.

Also, in sports, there are divisions and conferences that lend themselves to this villains/heroes mindset.  Teams play teams in their division multiple times a year.  They have to beat each other to get to the playoffs.  In baseball, division teams play each other like 21 times each year.  In the NFL, you play your division rival twice - and may only play out of conference teams every few years.  So you learn to hate the other teams in your grouping.  It's one of the few cases where hatred is acceptable - actually encouraged.

I have heard people try to tell me that they like multiple teams within a conference or something like that.  How?!?  I have a friend from college who says she likes the Detroit Red Wings AND Nashville Predators. They are in the same division!  The Red Wings are the reason the Preds had to play the Blackhawks in the playoffs.  How can you like both?  It's not possible. (Sorry Carol)  It is like being a fan of the Eagles AND Giants.  Or the Red Sox AND Yankees.  That is NOT possible.  It's like Jesus said, "Fresh water and salt water cannot come out of the same spring."  [What?!?  He said that.  I'm sure in modern times it would have been, "You can not wear orange and blue AND garnet and gold."]

I bring all of this up because I have documented my recent transition to hockey fan.  I feel that I have done an admirable job adopting the sport.  I actually watch the games several times a week on Versus Channel.  (A channel I had never once watched before.)  I watched part of five of the six Nashville playoff games.  I was severely bummed out over the Preds choking away TWO games in that series - and subsequently the series itself.  They only converted on one power play the whole series, for Molsen's sake!  I feel like I'm doing well.  But this weekend I found myself jumping to a different level of fandom - something that truly gave me credibility.  I turned on Game One of the Chicago/Vancouver series TO ROOT AGAINST THE BLACKHAWKS.  Yes, I have crossed the line from casual observer - who would have found on something different to watch - to fan.  I intentionally watched a game to throw mental barbs at a team I hated.  And I laughed when they got whipped.  I also took great pleasure in watching Detroit lose both games to San Jose.

Don't get me wrong - I have no affection for either Vancouver or San Jose.  I am purely ambivalent to those teams.  But when they drop the puck against Chicago or Detroit - well then I might as well have the Canucks or Sharks as my Twitter wallpaper.  That's the way sports go.  My enemy's enemy is my friend.  It is pretty sad, I guess, but I was actually proud of myself that I have so quickly grown to detest those teams.  It shows true loyalty, as well as some pain from losing.

As a parent, I am still trying to get my kids into watching sports with me.  They are kind of resistent to it.  They would prefer reading books and using their imagination and other bologna.  How are they supposed to become a couch potato if they won't watch sports?  My best hope is Gabe, I think.  But he like soccer - which will be useful this summer with the World Cup.  I keep trying to get them to understand that we are a UCF family.  They kind of have that down.  And they know we all cheer for the Jaguars.  But, it is just as important to teach who they should DISlike.  Like they say, hatred is learned.   If you don't teach your kids which teams and players to root against, they may get distracted by stuff like stats and looks and logos and helmet design.  Next thing you know, they will be cheering for the Colts because "that Manning guy is funny."  If no one teaches them, how will they know?

There are some very natural and well-known love/hate team pairings.  They are the ones I mentioned earlier.  But it is hard to find a team to loathe when you are a fan of one of those mid-level teams like I am.  How do you come up with a villain when your team is the equivalent of superheroes like Namor or
Booster Gold?  I mean, you cheer for Michigan, your body just automatically turns against Ohio State like it was a virus.  But when you root for the Kansas City Royals, it isn't so easy to decide who to hate.  You know, besides the universe, for making you a Royals fan.

To help with this process, allow me to spell out some of my personal affiliations and defiliations (I made that up).  I have mentioned some of this in previous posts, but for the sake of condensing the hatred, here we go.  I think that all sports fans have four emotions when dealing with sports teams.  There is LOVE - that is for their favorite team (or teams, if you believe in sports bigamy).  Next is SYMPATHY.  These are teams you may have flirted with over the years.  Or it could have a good story, players worth rooting for, geographical advantages.  But SYMPATHY teams are never cheered for over LOVE teams.  Then there is AMBIVALENCE.  This the biggest category, comprised of most of a league.  You don't really care what they do - as long as they do two things.  They need to lose to your LOVE/SYMPATHY teams and beat the HATRED teams.  And then there is the HATRED teams.  You never cheer for these teams.  They are loathed.  Fans of these teams have some sort of mental illness, obviously.  If two teams in this category play each other, you root for the team that will cause the most widespread damage to the other HATRED teams by winning.  Or you root for a chasm to open up under the stadium and devour the teams.  The final rule is that you root for all games not involving your LOVE team so that the outcome helps your LOVE team.  If you have a SYMPATHY team playing a HATRED team, but a victory by the HATRED team will put your LOVE into the playoffs and a loss will send them home?  You cheer for that HATRED team with everything you have - and then go cleanse yourself.  That all being said, here's my lineups.

NFL
LOVE:  Jacksonville Jaguars (AFC South)
SYMPATHY: Tampa Bay Bucs, New Orleans Saints
AMBIVALENCE:  Bills, Browns, Bengals, Steelers, Texans, Titans, Chargers, Chiefs, Cowboys, Eagles, Bears, Lions, Vikings, Packers, Falcons, Panthers, Seahawks, Rams, Cardinals.  And the Colts, Jets, and Patriots are awfully close to dropping down a level.
HATRED: Miami Dolphins, SF 49ers, Denver Broncos, Oakland Raiders, Washington Redskins, NY Giants, Baltimore Ravens

NBA
LOVE: Orlando Magic (Southeast Division)
SYMPATHY: Atlanta Hawks (precarious)
AMBIVALENCE: Raptors, Sixers, Nets, Bucks, Bulls, Pacers, Bobcats, Wizards, Nuggets, Jazz, Blazers, Thunder, T'Wolves, Suns, Clippers, Warriors, Kings, Mavs, Spurs, Rockets, Grizzlies, Hornets.  With the Cavs sliding down in the bottom soon, probably.
HATRED:  Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers, New York Knicks, Detroit Pistons, Miami Heat

COLLEGE
LOVE: UCF Knights (Conference USA)
SYMPATHY: Georgia Bulldogs, FSU Seminoles (begrudgingly due to Heather), USF Bulls (drifting down fast). underdogs and cinderellas
AMBIVALENCE: Everyone else
HATRED: Florida Gators, Miami Hurricanes, Notre Dame Irish (The unholy trinity).  Then USC Trojans, Ohio State Buckeyes, Texas Longhorns, Duke Blue Devils

NHL
LOVE: Nashville Predators (Central Division)
SYMPATHY: Pittsburgh Penguins, Buffalo Sabres, Montreal Canadians
AMBIVALENCE: Flyers, Senators, Bruins, Maple Leafs, Capitals, Thrashers, Hurricanes, Lightning, Panthers, Blues, Blue Jackets, Canucks, Avalanche, Flames, Wild, Oilers, Sharks, Coyotes, Kings, Ducks, Stars.  With the Rangers, Islanders, and Devils on the edge of hatred - just due to their location)
HATRED: Detroit Red Wings, Chicago Blackhawks

MLB
LOVE: No one
SYMPATHY: Tampa Bay Rays, NY Yankees, St Louis Cardinals (due to Pujols)
AMBIVALENCE: Blue Jays, Orioles, White Sox, Royals, Tigers, Twins, Indians, Rangers, A's, Mariners, Phillies, Nationals, Pirates, Cubs, Reds, Brewers, Astros, Giants, Diamondbacks, Rockies, Padres
HATRED: Boston Red Sox, Atlanta Braves, LA Dodgers, LA Angels, NY Mets, Florida Marlins

So, there is a handy guide based on my opinions.  I hope it helps you to develop the hatred and loathing that is so necessary to become a true sports fan.  Finding someone to hate will make your sports viewing such a richer experience.  You need your Darth Vader, your Joker, your Red Sox.  Spread the hate.

FerreTV: Idols Dancers and Athletes

One of the biggest challenges for me as a blogger, and one reason I will probably never ascend to much more than a site read by more than a couple dozen people, is a lack of time. I always feel bad writing on here. I feel like if I have time to plop my lard butt down in front of my Apple and write about the evils of Billy Donovan and who is the better singer on American Idol, then I certainly should be using it in a more constructive manner. (This is the same reason I have not posted my Oceans Thirteen review.) So, I will go through these long periods of no posts, which I am sure frustrates the few people who actually wander on to this site.

That being said, I have had this series of posts on television that I have been wanting to post for a while now, but just have not been able to force myself to do. Part of that was the aforementioned time issue. The other problem is that I am not sure how much you fair readers care about television. But, I honestly don't know how much you care about anything else I have written, so I am going to go ahead and start this thing and see what happens.

The other day I was watching So You Think You Can Dance (or SYTYCD, as reflected on their new line of clothing). Well, this is the third year of this show. And I admit I am hooked. I don't know squat about dancing. My idea of dancing is leaning up against the railing around the dance floor and making fun of everyone else. When I try to dance, I look like a lumbering bear with a pulled hamstring. But I like the show. It is NOT because there is great dancing going on - there is, or so I assume. I wouldn't recognize good dancing from bad dancing. Honestly, some of what is raved about on the show looks like somebody got a couple bees stuck in their oversized sweatshirt and hot pants. The other day, there were TWO routines where dancers imitated birds. (Huh?!?) When my son runs around squawking and flailing his arms around I yell, "STOP THAT! PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THINK THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!" I certainly don't go, "So, you think you can dance? Well watch this lumbering bear impersonation with jazz hands."

Anyway, I watch because of the drama - same as what drew me to American Idol. I remember reading a sports writer (I think it was Kornheiser) who wrote a few years back that American Idol was the new sports in America. You have favorites and villains. There are matchups that favor some competitors over others. You have judges and announcers and corporate sponsors. Well, I tend to agree with him. That is what makes these shows so entertaining. There is a sports element to it. When Sanjaya and Haley were scorching their way through AI this past year, I was screaming in agony at the television worse than when Duke was a powerhouse. When Melinda got knocked out, it was like watching the Dallas Mavericks get ousted in the first round this past NBA season.

SYTYCD is very similar. I have favorites (Pasha & Jessi, Hok, Dominic & Sabra) and un-favorites (Cedric, Shauna). I was horrified when bird couple Pasha/Jessi ended up in the bottom three. When Cedric made it through, I shook my head. It was like sports. Possibly this transfer has happened because sports has lost some of their attraction to me - and to many people. AI pulls in over 25 million people a week. The NBA Finals pulled in 6.5 million for the fourth game. Sports has become something that no one can relate to. Honestly, unless you are a genetic freak who is tutored and trained from an early age, you aren't going to play sports. It isn't like it used to be, where you could have a dream to make it into the big leagues. If you are still hoping for that, sorry to pop your bubble. That combined with free agency and the big business element of sports, and you have something that people enjoy, but are not as vested in.

Here's an example. When I was growing up, here was how I viewed sports.
NFL: My favorite was Dallas, period. I hated the 49ers, Dolphins, Steelers, Redskins. My dad like Chicago. My brother like the Redskins (of course). My mom like Denver (because of Elway).
NBA: I liked the Hawks. I hated the Celtics and Lakers. My dad loved the Celtics and hated the Lakers. My brother loved the Lakers and hated the Celtics.
COLLEGE: I loved the Georgia Bulldogs, hated Notre Dame, UF and UM. My dad liked UM and hated UF. My brother loved USC.
MLB: I loved the Yankees and hated the Red Sox and Braves. No one else cared.
NHL: I was not aware this was a sport.

Everyone had favorite teams and favorite players - FROM THOSE TEAMS. I cheered for Tony Dorsett and Herschel Walker (the perfect match of UGA and Dallas - until he got traded). I loved Dominique Wilkins. I hated Joe Montana, Dwight Clark, Roger Craig, Dan Marino, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, every UM quarterback. There was no cross-pollinating.

Well, then came Michael Jordan. Herschel got traded for 243 people, which helped Dallas win Super Bowls. The Hawks traded 'Nique and he ended up on the Celtics. I realized people like Montana and Marino had personalities. Charles Haley - of the 49ers - signed with the Cowboys. And that Rat Fish-Turd Shaq left the Magic for the Lakers. The whole thing got muddled. Now, I cheer for players more than teams. You can't get committed to a player through your favorite team because they won't stay there.

Now, my view of the sports landscape is this:
NFL: I like the Bucs and Jaguars - but hate Dallas due to their personnel decisions and approach to business. I also hate the Dolphins, 49ers, Broncos, and Patriots. When the Steelers won their title, I was happy for them.
NBA: I like the Magic, but also like good stories - like Golden State this year. I cheered for Michael Jordan. I hate Kobe, so I hate the Lakers. I still hate the Celtics, but they are so pathetic I can't beat up on them too bad. I like the Spurs' approach to basketball.
COLLEGE: I still love UGA. I love UCF. I follow USF and wish them well - except against UCF. I loathe UF beyond belief. I went through loving FSU and now hating them due to their thuggery. I can't stand Notre Dame, UM, BYU, and Duke. I also cheer for any team that is an underdog (unless I hate them) and any team that can wreck havoc with the Top 25, the BCS, or the Tournament. I cheer for any team who can advance UGA or UCF with a win.
MLB: I love the Yankees. I hate the Red Sox and Braves. I like the Giants - and have loved Barry Bonds. The overwhelming circumstantial allegations against him have started to turn me. I wish his knees would explode so we could stop hearing the stupid home run record argument. I don't like A-Rod, but I admire him and he's a Yankee so I have to cheer for him. I am starting to hate the A's, Angels, and Diamondbacks.
NHL: I was glad Tampa won a title. Does that count?

So, the sports scene is so crazy, I have turned to rooting on singers and dancers. I find myself more committed to catching those shows than sports - even playoffs. I watched part of 3 of the NBA Finals games. I turned off LeBron's 48 point masterpiece in the 3rd Quarter. I missed two entire rounds of the NFL playoffs this year. I also missed three rounds of the NCAA Tournament this year. I did not watch the UF National Championship game - either football or basketball. I quite frankly did not care. I watch no baseball until the playoffs. I watch a handful of Magic games, and try to watch the NFL on Sunday. But I DVR American Idol and SYTYCD and make sure I watch them. I even bought the complete AI collection CD this year - 76 songs (more on that in part 2). These shows hold as much interest for me - and for America.

Why? Because THESE are regular people. Phil is a Navy guy with a wife and kids from Jacksonville. His dad is a pastor. He's bald and looks like a cross between a vampire and Gollum. Chris Sligh is a worship leader who went to school with one of the administrative assistants at First Baptist Oviedo. Jessi on SYTYCD is from Florida, and works in an office and hates her job. We can relate to these people. We all sing. We all dance around. We all hate our jobs and want to see something amazing happen. That is what attracts people to these shows. Unfortunately, that is also where they are in some real danger - which I will get into in the second part of this series.

Update on the Enemy

I write that heart-rending post, pouring out all the anguish that I, as a Magic fan, feels. And then, when I wake up, the Orlando Slantinel - source of all things cheery and sweet - reports that the Magic have agreed to let Billy the Jerk out of his contract, and somehow we still managed to get Ron Jeremy to coach the team. So I wasn't so sad. But I still hope that Eddie Munster and the Gators get run out of town frequently.

Some other updates - if you are wanting to see any of my movie reviews, go visit my Rotten Tomatoes site. There is a link to the site on this page over to the right. I have reviewed Spiderman 3, Blades of Glory, Pirates 3, Stranger than Fiction and should be adding Oceans Thirteen this weekend. So far, the movie season is as record-breaking as I predicted.

We are planning on going to the Space Shuttle Atlantis launch tomorrow evening. It is amazing that I have lived in Orlando for nearly a decade and have never been to a launch. My son is a HUGE space fan (HUGE understatement). We have been promising him we'll go. So we are going to Space View Park to watch the launch from across the river. If I get any good pics, I'll post them here or on my MySpace or something.

My New Enemy

I have a new enemy, and his name is Billy Donovan. Now, I never was a big Donovan fan in the first place. First of all, he was a pupil of Rick Pitino - who I think is a total wanker. Second, he coaches Florida. And, anyone who knows me knows how I feel about the Gators. Third, he is a really good coach who has assured that cocky and arrogant Gator fans always have both football and basketball to crow about. Stinking Billy.

So, when he was looking at the Orlando Magic job, I was thrilled because it was going to totally stick it to the University of Florida. Their basketball program would have been decimated - losing their top seven scorers AND their coach. Plus, since I am not an idiot, I was thrilled that the Magic was actually going to get such an amazing coach. I tried to think back to when the Magic had a good coach. Hmmmm. Well, there was.... Uh..... Matt Goukas? Phll Daly, but he had no players to coach. That pretty much sums it up. The Magic coaching job has been one joker after another.

Well, that is a good description for being a Magic fan. I never wanted to like the Magic. When I went to college, I was not a basketball fan at all. I loved Michael Jordan and enjoyed him beating the tar out of people. The only team I liked was the Atlanta Hawks - since they were broadcast on TBS Superstation 17 when I was young. I like 'Nique. But I never really was a fan of any team. Then I got to Orlando, and the team was just so darn likeable. And they had these young guys - Shaq and Penny. And I got sucked in. Then they went to the Finals, and got trounced. And I was ready for a year-in, year-out pursuit of that weird trophy.

Then June 1996 happened. I was out at Disney MGM Studios with some of my friends. The Olympic teams were going to go through the park, and we went to see the whole process. Our Shaq was one of those stars. Sure, there had been a bunch of morons in the city who said Shaq wasn't worth the money. And some rumblings had happened that he may bolt for the movies of L.A. But I was sure it would work out. And when his car drove by, with him waving and saying, "Love you Orlando!" Well, we were sure it was all okay.

THAT SAME FREAKING DAY we heard the news that he was about to sign with the Lakers. It ripped your heart out. We lost Shaq - and didn't even get anything for him! How do you lose Shaq? Then Penny lost his dang mind. And then the Magic fell apart for good. Coups in the locker room. Dumb trades. We thought there was some light when we hit free agency back in 2000. We had enough to get Tim Duncan. He bailed on us, but still, we got Grant Hill and some guy named Tracy McGrady who was related to Vince Carter. Then Hill's foot fell off. T-Mac tried to carry the team by himself and then his heart fell out (which conveniently found on the way to Houston).

It has been miserable to be a Magic fan. You don't want to buy a jersey because you are afraid that the player will abandon you. We always seem to get nice guys - but they just get hurt and never play right. Then we luck out and win the draft lottery again and get Dwight Howard. What a freak that guy is (in a good way). Hope reigned. We got some players who are not horrible - and then we bring back Brian Hill as coach. I hoped it would make up for the way he got canned last time. Last year the team started off HOT HOT HOT. It had the best record in the NBA for one day at 20-4. Then the team collapsed. I had gotten tickets for four games for Christmas, and was disgusted by the horrible play.

But hope springs eternal. And somehow, we managed to talk Billy Donovan to come in and teach our team of "not bad players," along with one superhuman one. Sure, I would ordinarily trash Donovan for his abandoning UF just weeks after swearing he wasn't leaving. But I was willing to overlook that. Last Friday it was official, and the little guy came down here. He was all smiles. We were all smiles. Tickets were selling. Players were happy.

grrrrrrr

Stinking Billy Donovan. So we are stuck now as he tries to break his contract. Florida will obviously welcome him back and probably win the championship in three years. We tried to get Stan Van Gundy, whose main qualification is that he looks like adult movie star Ron Jeremy. But the Miami Heat decided to demand draft picks for him, while they didn't care if he went to Sacramento. So he is going over there. And where are the Magic now?

The look stupid. The local press - who for some unexplainable reason hate the Magic - have launched into full attack mode. How can you blame Orlando? They did everything they could. It was Donovan's lack of commitment, lack of heart, lack of a spine. It was his unbelievable wussiness. So we have no coach, and the prospects floating around now are ridiculous. All the good candidates are gone. We have nobody, no first round draft picks, lots of money to sign free agents - and nothing that would make anyone want to come. So, the hope I had is gone. We'll probably end up signing Chauncey Billups to some massively overblown contract (even though he hasn't done anything in three years), maybe add some other half-heart. Vince Carter will toy with us and then sign with the Lakers. And we'll end up with somebody like PJ Carlesimo as our coach. It's so frustrating I want to give up.

But, man, that Dwight Howard is good....