Jan 13, 2008

WEEKEND LIST: 5 MOST ANNOYING SPORTS ANALYSTS

This is one new feature I want to start - the Weekend List.  They may be silly, they may be serious.  But hopefully they will be somewhat interesting and fun.  Here's the first one.

5 MOST ANNOYING SPORTS ANALYSTS
This is kind of a follow-up to my point on the End of the Year Sports list - where I mentioned how ridiculous ESPN had become.  I find myself so irritated by the new face of sports analysis.  Hardly anyone gives true breakdowns any more - they all need to have a gimmick and an angle and a story.  Sometimes, I just want to know the basics without weird sound effects, antagonistic positions, and screaming.  

1 - SKIP BAYLESS - ESPN - Have you ever been around someone who just likes to argue?  They intentionally try to get you going, just so they have something to fight about?  That is Bayless.  He intentionally picks the most asinine position just to start a fight.  And, like most of these goofy analysts, he is adamant he is right.  The problem is, he's never right.  He could not be more wrong.  He could try, but he would not succeed.  Yet ESPN keeps on promoting him and giving him new arenas to mouth off.  This is one of those people who make me wish I were deaf.

2 - COLIN COWHERD - ESPN RADIO - A few years ago, ESPN Radio had the Tony Kornheiser Show around lunch.  I would listen to it every day on my way home to eat.  He left to do other stuff, and they replaced him with Cowherd.  Now, most influential sportswriters are from the Northeast or Chicago - he's from Portland.  He's lived in Seattle, Portland, Vegas.  And he's always touting West Coast everything.  He's arrogant and thinks he is smarter than everyone.  People who don't agree with him are called "mouth breathers" and "rednecks."  He repeats himself all the time.  He is always repeating himself.  But he says the dumbest stuff.  For example, he said every time a Whole Foods Grocery moves into town, every single other grocery store in the area closes down.  Really?  Is that so?  The Publix a half mile away from the only Whole Foods in Orlando would like to say you are, again, wrong.

3 - EMMITT SMITH - ESPN'S FOOTBALL COVERAGE - I loved Emmitt when he was playing for the Cowboys.  And I even wanted him to win Dancing with the Stars.  But when it comes to analyzing football, he is one of the worst I ever heard.  He screws up even simple points.  "He owns the league record for this, and the team record as well."  He is awkward and clumsy.  He goes to prove that just because you can run fast doesn't mean you can think fast.

4 -  AL TRAUTWIG - NBC OLYMPICS - Every time Trautwig is covering an event, it feels like it should be a Lifetime Original Movie.  Every single person has a back story that has to be told.  The event itself has to be so dramatic that we all are in constant suspense.  And, even after years of announcing gymnastics, triathlons, and more, it still seems like he is border-line clueless about the actual rules and specifics of the sport.  There are times I watch the events muted to avoid his schmaltz.

5 - STEPHEN A. SMITH - ESPN - DID YOU NOTICE THAT THIS ENTIRE LIST WAS PRETTY MUCH MADE UP BY ESPN PERSONALITIES!!!  DO YOU WONDER WHY THAT IS?  I THINK IT IS BECAUSE SECRETLY DAVID STAPLES HATES DISNEY EMPLOYEES!  WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?!  WELL OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT NETWORK CONGLOMERATES.  DAVID STAPLES IS HORRIBLE!  I HAVE A HUGE MOUTH AND YELL ABOUT EVERYTHING!  FOR SOME REASON I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO BE THE URBAN VOICE!  

For those of you who don't know who that last one is, he yells all the time.  Just watch some NBA on ESPN and you'll see.

Well, I hope you all have a good week.  I'll pop in and out with postings.  

1 comment:

Benji said...

David,

I like your new look to the page! I also liked your last post about Nat as well.

Regarding sports analysts, Stephen A. Smith would be in my top five. The other four would be: Bill Walton, Dan Sileo (local AM sports idiot), John Madden, and ALL ESPN college football (well, maybe except Corso; he is bearable).