Well here we are. It is the finale of the weirdest season of American Idol ever. It has been impossible to guess who would win. At one point, it was actually plausible that the freak Sanjaya could pull off an upset - and then right when his momentum was getting the fastest, he got voted out. And then the most consistent and professional contestant ever (Melinda) gets booted before the big night. We have watched every season except the first year. Year Two had the battle of the titans Ruben and Clay. Year Three had the Cult of No Personality that ended with Fantasia and Diana DeGarmo. Year Four featured the down home battle between the soon-forgotten Bo Bice (hey! he sang the theme song for Blades of Glory) and the huge star Carrie Underwood. Year Five had the best two singers booted in spots 3 & 4, and left us with karaoke hour with Michael McDonald and JoJo. Now, this year we have the most evenly matched year yet - maybe even more so than Clay and Ruben.
Jordin and Blake have huge followings, very versatile approaches, good family sympathy votes, and great talent. They are young, pop-friendly, and going to sell huge numbers. So, let's kick off with some cheesy computer graphics and the overblown, overhyped finale. This....Is....American Idol.
8:00 - It's Rod Serling. Oh, he's too pretty. Hey, there goes the cheesy graphics. These never get old. Well, I guess they already were old.
8:02 - Random crowd shots. Any celebrities? Man, that place is huge. Ryan looks especially clean faced today.
8:03 - The Judges. Randy Jackson looks like Michael's fat black brother. Paula doesn't look too beat up. She's high on painkillers, drugs, and booze. In other words, it's a Tuesday. Ryan just called either Paula or her dog a b****. Good stuff.
8:06 - Time wasting retrospective of the Seattle auditions. Man, I forgot just how weird Blake was. And, could his dad match him any less? His dad looks like a refinery worker. Blake looks like a freak. I'm always surprised Blake is even in this thing - he should hate this commercialized bull. Jordin, on the other hand, was created for this moment.
8:08 - Is anyone else dreading the Songwriting contest? I am.
8:09 - Man, I can't wait for Ratatouille to open.
8:12 - The coin toss. Ridiculous. Let's get singing, people. You have wasted enough time. GET ON WITH IT! "This is My Now"? Good night.
8:13 - Blake starts with "You Give Love a Bad Name." I will go on record - as a huge Bon Jovi fan - that I LOVED this version. I thought it was brilliant, and it showed his singing skills so much. I just wish Blake would get rid of that stupid streak job. He looks like a skunk pelt. Sounds just like the first time. Good choice.
8:15 - The first set of useless comments. Why bother? No one is going to listen to the judges tonight. Randy criticizes the singing. What? Paula rambles - the drugs are really kicking. Simon once again is brilliant - Blake IS the best performer. Which is why he will win.
8:16 - Obligatory finalists shot. Ryan is witty tonight - he really is what makes the show work. Snark . . . it's what for dinner.
8:17 - Jordin singing Xtina's "Fighter"? This could be ugly. She's not the best rocker (Jordin) and she's not a skank (Jordin).
8:18 - Hey, I just realized that Jordin is Xtina's husband's name. I also realized Jordin is off key and shrieking. I also realized Paula is doped up worse than Paula usually is.
8:19 - More useless commentary. Randy just called her stellar. What? Paula called her stellar. What? Simon acknowledges the younger choice - - and called her shrieky. Hey - that's what I said. But, Jordin has the ability to make all but the most perceptive people drink her Kool-Aid. Which is why she will win.
8:21- Ryan says Blake is going to sing Maroon 5. I hope that he does the one that they screwed up last week live on television. This show with Kelsey Grammar and Patricia Heaton looks funny. I love both of them.
8:24 - Blake talks about the birth of his beatboxing skills. Awww. Shameless plug by Ryan. Awww.
8:26 - "She Will Be Loved" for the Blakester. Risky choice - remember he's not the "strongest singer in the competition." This is the video where Adam Levine seduced Kelly Preston. I wonder if she got confused by the sight of a man who had not had enough plastic surgery to technically be considered a mannequin. So far, Blake did a passable job for a lousy singer.
8:28 - Anyone find it funny that Simon made the "not the best singer" crack this week? There is only one other singer.
8:29 - Randy loved the vocal. Ricky Schroeder sighting. Paula rambling and babbling. Simon bashes Blake and his song choice. He is the only person who actually knows what he is talking about. But the crowd doesn't even care about the judges' comments and they love Blake. Which is why he will win.
8:31 - Marlee Matlin sighting. Heather makes a good point. "She's at the American Idol finale and she's deaf?" I have trained Heather well.
8:35 - Jordin couldn't ask for more. Well, except maybe winning. She's singing "A Broken Wing" by Martina McBride. I thought this was one of her weaker outings this season - plus she was so overshadowed that week. When she sings low, it is like she disappears. Her lower register sucks. But here she is off key and shrieking again. Man, that is what Lakisha got bashed for every week - yelling. STOP SCREAMING AT ME! I HEAR YOU!
8:38 - Where's Philippi? Randy again. He's really ticking me off. He keeps his streak alive of mentioning she is only seventeen. He said that every week. Paula is a doofus. Simon finally pays a compliment. She is so sweet and smiley. Which is why she will win.
8:41 - Apparently I have been corrected. Jordin was NOT screaming. Scott Krippayne? He wrote the song? Is that the same Christian artist? That couldn't be. I don't know how this whole contest thing is going to go. I mean, there's no way this will be as good as "Do I Make You Proud?".
8:43 - Schmaltz.
8:44 - Heather just pointed out that there is no fifty person choir this year. "There's always a fifty person choir. Or Meat Loaf." She should write this.
8:45 - This song is stupid. And Blake is doing a horrible job. His voice is all over the place. BUT, them judges have to be nice. They don't want to hurt album sales when this sucker gets released on Thursday.
8:47 - Randy wants to destroy him, but is waaaay too nice. Paula even was holding back. Simon can't be mean, even though he wants to be. "It's not a bad song." That song was totally written for someone like Jordin. She'll tear it up. Blake was screwed. He never should have had to sing that dumb piece of garbage. Ridiculous. That is just poor planning to hurt one of your contestants by having an uneven playing field. You know they thought that Melinda was going to make it to the Final. That is why he will lose.
8:50 - Shameless Shilling and the Seventeen Year Old.
8:51 - As they would saying in judged Olympics sports - there is a crack here and Jordin needs to step up and take the title.
8:53 - Let me correct something I wrote earlier. The song doesn't suck. It sucked when Blake was singing it. It doesn't sound bad at all when Jordin sings it. In fact, it is pretty good. Her performance here reminds me of Kelly Clarkson's "A Moment Like This" from Season One.
8:54 - Back to the sports analogy - great routine, and then she falls on the landing. She cries and her voice cracks. She knew she had won and couldn't finish. Amateur. What is she? Seventeen or something? That is why she will lose.
8:55 - Simon is going to call it right here. He is awesome. She won it on that last song. It was pretty even. Of course, it was like making Blake ride a three legged horse. That is the closest I have ever seen to a fix on Idol. I am sure it wasn't fixed - it was preparing for Melinda vs. Jordin.
8:57 - Recap. This will only serve to show how much overmatched Blake was tonight. Man. That Maroon 5 song was a bad choice. And he mangled that last song. Jordin actually did great tonight (for a seventeen year old). Her crying at the end actually got her about 100,000 extra votes. BUT with this season, who the heck knows. Sanjaya could win.
8:59 - The judges all doom Jordin with their predictions. Except Paula. She's just a twit. Postmodernism. Simon hates that. There are winners and losers. And, dang it, Paula is a loser.
9:00 - What? Daughtry is going to perform? Sweet. YAY! I love them. Seriously. Proof that America doesn't know anything. He has sold three million albums. Michael McDonald Jr, JoJo Junior Miss, and Elliot Yamin combined haven't sold half of that. Take THAT! If only Chris would get rid of that stupid eyeliner. How are you supposed to be a tough rocker and wear that much eye product? Ladies of the night down in West Palm Beach would think that was excessive. Good song though. Good band. Good night.