The Beauty of Perspective

It has been a rough few weeks at the elaborate and elegant Staples Resort and Spa.  The kids, who usually are pretty healthy, have gone through several cycles of illnesses.  Heather actually had to reschedule her last exam because she missed so many days during her bout with the plague.  We went down to visit my mom over Heather's spring break.  During that trip the two older kids and my mom were stricken with food poisoning.  Gabe had a massive allergy attack there, which segued right into a combination of ear/sinus/eye infections.  And then, something finally got me this morning.  I spent more time on the toilet today than anywhere else.  (Oh, was that too much transparency?)

Other things have been jumping onto the pile as well.  Financially, its one of those tighter stretches.  As I shared in a previous post, the Libyan situation has kept Defender in stasis.  The move to Orlando is coming up closer and closer - and with it the expenses of getting established there.  And, to top it off, one of the fish the kids won at the Strawberry Festival tried to commit suicide last night by jumping out of it tank.  We saved it, but it is pretty obvious it isn't quite right.

The temptation today, especially while feeling sick and weak, is to wallow in my miseries.  And ordinarily, that is exactly what I would do.  I would mope and feel crummy.  My focus would quickly zoom onto myself and no one else.  Today, though, I have actually tried very hard to keep perspective.  Things that are going on around me have certainly helped.

• We have a family friend who has spent the last two days at the hospital trying to discover what is wrong with their two year old boy.  He has been non-responsive twice in the last two weeks and no one really knows what is going on.  The parents are helpless, just waiting on doctors to perform a miracle.
• This year, my sister has had her gall bladder removed.  Her son has had an appendix attack that nearly led him to need surgery.  That turned into massive bowel issues, complete with horrible pain and missing two weeks of school.
• My brother is struggling to find a job in the lousy economy.  He goes to work at 4:45am every morning and still is coming up short.
• On top of all of that, I am not doing this alone.  Today, Heather shuffled her schedule and came home early so she could take Gabe to the doctor.  She also took care of organizing dinner and correcting the kids.  It always blows my mind when I think about how hard it is for a single parent to walk this journey alone.  I have several friends who are in that boat.  It is always a quick perspective check when I think of their struggles.

Then we have the international situation...

• Libya is something that is constantly on my mind, obviously.  Even now, when it appears the government is reclaiming power, the realization that those poor citizens are going to go back to the same problems.  And it probably will be worse, when you think about it.  Anyone who was even remotely involved in the rebellion will no doubt be killed.  And Gaddafi strikes me as a punitive sort.
• At least a half dozen other countries are going through upheavals as well.  The idea of revolution has taken root and is spreading throughout the Middle East.  In each of those, there are lives lost as the people fight for freedom.
• Our soldiers are still fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq - disarming bombs and helping those countries get established.  I have several friends serving in the military - leaving their families to help fight for people (who may not even want them there).  
• New Zealand just suffered a major earthquake that obliterated an entire major city.  This has kind of been lost in the other tragedies.  Thousands of people were left homeless and national treasures were erased instantly.
• Then there is Japan.  It is beyond horrible to try to fathom what just happened.  In an instant, a powerful country's fortunes were turned 180 degrees.  The death toll will probably end up near 10,000 people.  It is estimated that damages will top $10 billion.  Entire cities were erased.  And now there is the looming horror of a nuclear disaster.  Being a child of the 70s and 80s, nuclear accidents are something that has always terrified me.  Watching this plant disintegrate before my eyes, I can't even imagine how awful the Japanese people are feeling right now.  

Perspective.  It is a good thing.  Actually, when I think about the stuff going on all around - close to home and far away - it makes me feel pretty silly to get so worked up of a suicidal fish and excessive trips to the bathroom.  As I sat there last night, hearing my little guy crying and struggling to sleep and worrying about the fish, I started to pray about all the stuff that has been swirling.  It didn't help me feel better.  The reality is that I felt a little worse.  There is just so much pain out there.  It is helpful to remember that my pain is not the only one.  

I'm Back and Tired

I was surprised when I realized how long it has been since I posted. We have been on "vacation" for about a week and a half. We were up at Heather's parents' house for the July 4 weekend, home for one day so I could go to a Faith Based Non-Profit Roundtable and an Interview with Apple Stores, and then we were at my mom's house for a couple days. Since then we had a kiddie birthday party to go to, got restocked with supplies at home, and had both of our kids vomit all over the beds (theirs once, ours once).

And now I'm back. I hope to return to the more regular blogging, but we'll see. I am supposed to have a second interview with Apple this week, and I'll also be applying for some other stuff and trying to get some delayed Defender projects off the ground.

It has been a rough weekend. Aside from the physical ailments going on at Casa De Staples, I have been mentally worn out. I'm just tired. My good buddy Greg Ramer, in a wonderful post the other day, talked about how he wants to be serious with his faith and really start living more passionately. As I read it, I thought it was great. I was happy for him. But, honestly, I didn't agree. Right now, I am tired. I don't know what it is. It may be fighting for so long, trying to get something started that doesn't seem like it is going to move, wanting to do the right thing and driving myself nuts figuring out what that is. But I am just worn out. Being completely transparent, I just don't want to keep on fighting.

We watch So You Think You Can Dance every summer, now. Heather's sister-in-law Michelle got us hooked a few years ago, and now it is one of our favorite shows. This past week was where they dropped down to the ten dancers who will go on the national tour this year. One of the dancers named Will is spectacular. His a chiseled specimen who can leap and perform. He may be the best dancer they have ever had - mentored by Debbie Allen herself. He was partnered for the last five weeks with a very pretty girl who is not anywhere near as good as him. She dragged them down every time - but he just worked harder and never even one time did anything to complain or demean her. This past week, their second dance was not very good. And one judge said what everyone watching the show was thinking. "You looked tired. You're tired of carrying her. You need a new partner. You're just tired of doing too much." It was a completely truthful comment - and you could see how badly it hurt the girl (probably because she knew it was so true). I sympathized with Will - being tired from doing too much. He was not only dancing for himself, but he was carrying the hopes and dreams of his partner as well. He was trying to do enough for both of them. I'm not carrying someone like that, but I am trying to fight, while carrying the hopes and dreams of my business partners, my family, my friends - all those parents who desperately need and want help. And I'm trying to do all of that while figuring out how to survive today.

If you know me, you know that I desperately want to do what God wants me to do. That isn't an arrogant statement - I didn't say that I always DO what He wants me to. I want to do it, though. Our family has tried to live that way since Heather I got married. That has been very difficult, and draining not just to us - but to others around us. It is hard to feel God leads you into frontier country and then stand there realizing, "Crap, I'm in frontier country. There isn't a Publix for miles out here." It is hard being out there. It is hard trying to build something from scratch, ferreting out ways to make things happen. You fight, and pray, and hope, and then look around and realize you aren't much further than you were months before.

There is no time lapse photography that makes the building zip up out of the barren field. You are actually having to go through the whole mind-numbing, soul-crushing process. Over the vacation, Heather's mom had me read some Oswald Chambers writings. One of them talks about how God always gives you the vision before He gives you the means to accomplish it. He may even give it to you years before anyone is ready for it. But He has to get YOU ready for it. And that requires having you stand in a valley and get beat up, so that you are humble and prepared for the work when it starts. Chambers went on to say that many people quit in that valley - because they get tired of getting beat up. They can't stand the process, so they quit before they ever get to the payoff.

I can understand that feeling. I want things to work NOW. I want to know that we are taken care of for the future before taking on something now. Even the concept of the Apple job stresses me out, because I want to know how that affects Defender long term. How will it play into Heather's Med School plans? Is taking the Apple job a better option because I can transfer to another city if needed? Now, keep in mind this wouldn't happen for FOURTEEN MONTHS!?! But I stress today. I think lately I've been so worried about the long term results of my decisions that I am mentally beating MYSELF up. It is good to look to the future, but worrying about over a year from now is kind of silly.

In Sunday School, we talked about this yesterday. Basically, being tired, I just chatted with the students rather than formulate a "real lesson." (Plus, remember the vomiting the night before - doesn't make for peaceful sleep.) We were talking about Abraham and how God had promised him to be the father of a great people, when he had no kids. And he got tired too. He and his wife got tired of waiting, so they forced matters and he had a kid with his handmaiden. And that much of the world conflict TODAY is due to that decision. I sympathized with Abraham, though. I can understand getting a great promise and then sitting around like God forgot you for years and years. I've been tempted to force the issue myself too. I've wanted to quit. You get tired.

It is probably amusing to read this post after my last post, where I was saying about how we want to do the impossible. What happened between those two? How did I go from wanting to do the impossible to wanting to give up? Thinking about it, I can only see one thing. I took a break. I took my eyes off the goal, let up, sat back and played Wii and swam. I'm not saying vacation is bad - it is very necessary to get breaks once in a while. But for almost two weeks, I had very little pushing me. I didn't touch work - aside from that one meeting. I read sports columns by David Halberstam - read nothing religious at all. And I got distracted. The only news I got regarding my efforts were negative - having to miss an college event I love dearly, not hearing back from people who were supposed to contact us. And it was very easy to get waylaid. All of the struggling caught up with me. And without seeing the reason every day, without being confronted by the purpose for the work, it just became toiling for no purpose. And I got tired, and wanted to quit.

I know this has been a narcissistic post - very whiny. But I need to get that out. Just like when I have something cool bubbling up inside and have to get it out, I also need to get the junky stuff out. It helps me to have clarity. It helps me to identify what I really am going through. Hopefully, it will help to wake me up. I don't want to give up. I want to trust God. I want to serve Him and work hard. It was good for me to wrestle with all of that here - thanks for indulging me. Now, vacation is over. I need to get back to work.

Timing is Everything

There are a ton of cliches out there. But this one is proving itself to be very true. Timing, truly is everything. The longer I live, the more I realize that it is not so much WHAT happens and WHEN it happens. You can find examples all over the place.

• David Tyree doesn't somehow catch that ball on his helmet in the Super Bowl last year on the game winning drive and he's just another roster cut victim this summer instead of a hero. The Patriots go 19-0. The 1972 Dolphins have to get real jobs.
• Barack Obama decides to run for Senate in 2010 instead of 2004 and he doesn't get invited to be the keynote speaker at the Democratic Convention in 2004. He doesn't get a ton of national exposure. Clooney doesn't endorse him.  Oprah doesn't endorse him.  He doesn't win the nomination. Hillary wins going away over Edwards.
• I don't lean back into the van to put something on the seat when getting ready to fuel up, I get out well before my door mysteriously swings closed and my thumb doesn't get crushed in the door. Timing. If I lived my entire life two seconds behind what I did, and I go from being a Klutz Supreme to being a Close Call Artist.

Anyway. Timing is Everything. I applied for a job teaching at a private school in the area. I had my first interview. I had tons of recommendations. Everything looked great. Another application turned in her stuff right before the deadline. She had 15 years of experience. She's now the new Department Head and I'm still looking for a job. Timing.

This becomes a very difficult concept for us to deal with. We live in a time-constrained world. Everything is about time with us. We constantly have a clock running on us. We only have so many hours between when we wake up and go to bed to get our stuff done. And the more stuff that gets dumped on us, the harder it is to feel like we succeeded. So we are constantly stressed and worried, hoping that time works in our favor.

I think that the whole time issue is the worst when we are waiting for something. I can be working or surfing on the internet and time will just roll on. I won't sit there and be conscious of the time ticking away. But if I am in a doctor office, you better believe I know how long I was waiting. My cell phone decided to flip out this week. So I spent about six hours dealing with repair people, sales people, untrained store employees to get it fixed - and then to resync everything once I got a replacement. I knew how much time it wasted.

As anyone who reads this blog or knows me is aware of, I have been waiting and praying for my ministry to take off like I want and need it to. And I am keenly aware of how long it has been. And I wrestle between having faith that things will work out and being miserable at another day going by without an answer. I know you all can relate - it could be waiting on a baby, a job, a spouse, a salvation. Things that are important can take forever. And we hate waiting.

The big thing to remember is that God is not limited by time. He lives outside of our time constraints. He sees the long term approach. The individual blips and bumps don't affect Him. In addition, He sees the ending. So He has a totally different perspective. He knows that there are times He needs to make us wait because the timing is not right. We think it is because we think we are ready - but there is something that is not ready yet. It could be someone else that we are going to interact with is not ready yet. So we sit there frustrated at the wait, and God sits there telling us to be patient and wait because it isn't time yet.

Those of us with kids can understand. Ever tell a kid to wait on dinner when they are hungry? How did that go? My kids will come and tell us that they are "starving." Dinner will be in the oven and not ready yet. But they want it NOW because they are hungry. "I'M HUNGRY! WAAAA!" We know that if we give them that chicken that they will probably get sick and die because it is not fully cooked. But they would go grab it and cram it in their mouths if we didn't stop them. I know this principle, but I forget it all the time when I am in the midst of waiting. I almost have to repeat the mantra: "It isn't time. It isn't time." I just hope that I can learn to wait until the time is right.

On a side note -- I have been thinking about this blog and my writing a lot lately. I am in the process of writing a new book for Defender. Some days I feel like I have so many things swirling around in my head that I have trouble focusing for my work. Today it hit me that just like many things, I need to warm up for my day. That is why I am going to try to write each morning on the blog as my preparation for the day. We'll see how that goes.

Stormy Weather

I keep wanting to write stuff on here, but things have been crazy. Heather is in the final stages of her MCAT preparation - the big test is Saturday. The kids are all growing up so fast and acting like insane maniacs. It seems like every time I sit down to write something, immediately something happens that requires me shut down the computer. Such is life. This week, though, is Spring Break. Josiah is with my mom. Natalie is with Heather's mom. We have Gabe, and Heather is doing her final studying push. But it actually has been easier than I expected so far. Which is how I have actually ended up being able to post.

Those of you who follow this blog regularly and know us kind of have an idea of what I do. You also probably have heard how things are going. But I want to share some things that God has been showing me this past week or so. My apologies if this is repetitive or boring to you. Just bear with me and I promise I'll get back to writing inane drivel soon.

Our pastor was preaching this past Sunday on Matthew 14. It made me think about some things - and I'll work my way around to those things. You see, I firmly believe in gathering stones along your way in life. The movie With Honors had Joe Pesci playing a homeless guy at Harvard. He would pick up rocks and stones at the various places he traveled. He kept them in a bag, and would look at them and remember his journey. This is biblical, too. God had the Israelites built altars at the sites of major victories. So, I have made it a habit of doing this. It helps because, when things get hard, you can look back at those rocks and know that you are doing the right thing.

So, back in March/April of 2005, my friend Charles Wise asked me to go to lunch with him and another friend, Jonathan Pearson. Charles is a therapist, JP was a Middle School minister, and I was a designer/writer/college minister type person. Charles had just been through almost a year of vocal paralysis (kind of difficult for a therapist). And he wanted to share with us what God had been showing him. He said that he was realizing that the biggest problem in today's churches and families was a break in intimacy. Intimacy, at its simplest definition, means closeness. And this closeness was being broken between man and God, and between spouses. And the biggest wedge doing this was sexual sin and pornography. This came from session after session with families that were sharing this problem.

JP and I both knew he was right - since we had been hearing this same thing from our students. As we talked, we began to see a ministry opportunity form. We would talk on those topics - the ones that other people would not talk about. We would go to churches and families and try to help them fight that destruction. The ministry was named Defender Ministries in the car on the way back from lunch. And it all began. We worked on coming up with promotional material, logos, and a general idea of what we wanted to do. God confirmed this calling time and again in those early days - and gave us the message to speak based on verses like Isaiah 61:1 and Ephesians 5:3 and 1 Corinthians 7. We were honored to be a part and could not wait to see things get going.

God opened some amazing doors for us - places we did not have the experiences, clout, or connections to be a part of. We had dinner with several "big shots" to present our ministry. We got asked to run workshops at regional and national events. And we were ready for things to go. The problem was that we all had jobs. JP quit in August of that first year, but things did not pick up like we thought - so he ended up getting a different church job (that ended up being a wonderful experience for him). We had opportunities, but were having a severely hard time getting the time to develop what we needed. In June of 2006, we had a benefit dinner. We expected it to be a huge launching point for us. It helped a bit, but was far from what we really needed. We all decided the only way this could get going was for me to leave my church job and work full time.

In July of 2006, I resigned and started to work on getting things ready for our upcoming appearances. We had National College Week in August, and ten other bookings between August and February. There was a lot to do. Money was going to be tight, but we knew it was what we should do - something confirmed by our prayer partners and families. God again showed us Scripture - Matthew 14 in fact. The message to "get out of the boat" was heard again and again through books (Chip Ingrim, John Ortberg) and sermons. So we took the step.

That was when things went haywire. The August conferences were great. But in the next few weeks, we watched as eight of those ten events were canceled or re-scheduled. In addition, we began to realize that several of our board members were not on the same page as us. By the end of the year, we were pretty much broke, had maybe three board members left, and one booking left on the calendar. I was so confused. Thanksgiving of 2006 was one of the hardest times for me. I kept trying to figure out what had happened. What had we done wrong? How could things be so bad? Time and again we are taught in church that if you are following God right, He blesses you. And if you are doing things wrong, you get corrected. It is natural to take that and think that if things are rough, you are wrong. (I have since really come to be aware of just how flawed that entire line of teaching is.)

We started getting new Scripture pounded into our heads - the story of Gideon. This was where God delivered Israel from a far superior force - but with only 300 men, some pitchers, torches, and horns. I mean, we read books about this - sermons were constantly being spoken on this that we heard. When we started going to Waypoint in January of 2007, Byron preached on this. We got the point. God was going to do this in HIS manner - without the benefit of the people who would try to take credit for it. It was going to be with a small and faithful group.

Thanksgiving 2006 also gave me a chance to sit down with Heather's brother Andy. He was on staff of one of the churches that canceled an appearance. He explained that they needed more guidance from us. We were so desperate to have opportunities that we wanted to do whatever a church wanted. But these churches wanted us to TELL them what to do - because they didn't know and had never dealt with these issues before. That gave us a new direction - we needed to provide resources to churches and families. It was the same plan, but actually putting the message on paper. In December, I started writing lessons based on the topics we taught.

Over the next six months, I wrote thirteen lessons (it has since expanded to sixteen, one additional book, and a line of superhero based lessons for kids). These became Bible study series for churches - and then also were repurposed for a line of Disciple Now curriculum for youth pastors. So far, the Operation Isaiah D-Now materials have been used at nearly a dozen churches in its first year. The lessons themselves have been ordered and used all over the country - and we have taught them at numerous locations.

But.... Through it all the financial struggle continued. 2007 was a trying year because we alternated between having very generous donations from a few people and having nothing. My family felt that stress every month - wondering if we would have anything to pay rent. Most months we had to wait until the day rent was due before one of our strong supporters would AGAIN give to help us survive. Some months nothing came in. The messages we kept hearing were always, "Stay strong. Don't give up. Have faith." So we kept on meeting and booking and re-scheduling and promoting - believing God would provide. And He did, but never in the manner that would allow us or the ministry to relax. In the Fall, we all finally decided I needed to get another job to help bring in some steady money - while still doing Defender at night and on weekends.

Conveniently enough, that was when the economy started to suffer. I couldn't find a job. To date, I have sent out well over 100 resumes for graphic artist positions, communication directors, writers, teachers, and pastors. I'm lucky if I even hear anything. 2007 ended with the knowledge that there was nothing in the bank for 2008. And that has stayed true. Our amazing supporters still love us and support us, but cannot (and should not have to) carry us the way they were. So, I went unpaid for the first three months of 2008. Any money we made from our steady flow of appearances went to pay insurance premiums and to pay off the very late bills to our printer, copier lease, shirt company, etc. I still have not found a job - although I probably will have a teaching position come August. Uncle Sam was very generous with a tax return that covered two months for us. And one of our supporters paid for April to keep us going.

So why say all of that? One, it is to document the journey. Two, it is to lead up to that sermon from Sunday. I read through the Matthew 14:22-33 passage as Pastor Byron preached. Jesus had just finished with a large crowd and he sent the Disciples off ahead of Him. He stayed to pray. They ran into a monstrous, terrifying storm on the lake. At 3 am, Jesus walked on the water to them. They were skerred. He tried to calm them. Peter asks to walk on the water, which Jesus tells him to do (the 2006 message). Peter loses his faith, falls into the water, Jesus saves him. Viola. Except two things hit me this time. JESUS KNEW THE STORM WAS COMING WHEN HE SENT THE DISCIPLES and HE NEVER CALMED THE STORM DURING THAT WHOLE TIME.

He sent the guys INTO the storm. He knew it was coming and he told them to go. Why? Probably so they could see Him walk across the water and calm the waves. It was to build their faith and understanding of Who He was. In addition, when he showed up and the whole thing with Peter happened, the storm was still raging. Peter walked on the water during the storm. He was doing it, until he SAW THE WIND. The amazing thing is how bad this storm must have been to be able to see the wind. I'm thinking about the hurricanes that came through here a few years back. That kind of ugly. So Peter got distracted by the swirling circumstances and fell. And Jesus saved him. Then he calmed the storm.

For me, I began to understand that God knew what He was doing. He knew there was no money, that churches would have a hard time letting us talk about these topics, that the economy would go bad. He knew those things. He sent us out knowing all of that. And He has not calmed the storm yet, as far as we know. We still are wondering how to make it each month. We still have those constant concerns. But we are learning that this is not about us. Yes, Peter learned that his faith wasn't as strong as he thought. But he also learned a lot about Jesus that night. He learned that Jesus is unaffected by the swirling wind, that He can stop it at any time, that He will save us. That doesn't mean that we won't have to deal with getting beat up first. The Disciples got beat up for hours in the boat. Peter fell into the churning water. Jesus moved, but on His time. And it helped to show how mighty HE is.

So the rock I got to pick up the other day was that God knew exactly what we were getting into - even though we didn't. We aren't doing anything wrong to be punished with this storm. In fact, we are doing it right by still staying in the storm instead of running away. God is going to bring deliverance to us - as well as to others - when He sees fit and when He will be glorified. As I explained to Charles the other day, I am a lot more compassionate to the poor and homeless in our area now. I understand what would drive a person to stand on a street corner. I'm not so quick to judge. That helps me to understand the "good news to the poor" part of Isaiah 61:1. Also, Defender is not beholden to any person or group. God is the one who started it, maintained it, and grew it - in His way and His time. And that is pretty neat.

When God calls you, He will complete His work in you. That is what He does. It is not going to look how you expect, but at the end it will be beautiful. I'm sorry if this went long. I hope it didn't cause anyone to fall asleep. I just needed to be able to get this out of me and share it. I hope that it will help someone who is getting storm-battered.

Perspective

I haven't posted in seven weeks. My last entry came the day before our third child entered this world. And he's going to be seven weeks old tomorrow. See? Math is important.

During the last seven weeks, a lot has happened. We have been trying to deal with the new challenge of always being outmanned 3-2 by the kids. We have been trying to establish some sort of schedule. I built a space shuttle and a chick-fil-a out of cardboard boxes, contact paper, and duct tape. I've been writing and meeting and emailing and designing and stressing. And we have been falling asleep between 9:45 and 10:15 each night - exhausted from the day in general. Now the holiday season is upon us, with traveling and events and stress galore.

I have started to blog a couple times. I wanted to do my Summer Oscars, but didn't. I wanted to write about the birth experience, but was too tired. I wanted to gripe about Halloween (even started that one) but didn't. In fact, most of my potential blogs were whiny and negative. Actually, my perspective lately has been pretty whiny and negative. That happens from time to time - usually there is a main culprit. This time, same as most, was money.

Working for and running a relatively new non-profit ministry is one continuous challenge. You have to constantly promote and innovate and inform - hoping you catch on with the people who need to use you. And you also have to hope that money comes in. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn't. Unfortunately, bills don't follow that same schedule. So, when the money doesn't come in (which has happened for three falls in a row), well you get stressed.

So I have been very worried about money. In addition to our other bills, we had our start up costs for our new domicile, an out-of-control power bill thanks to a non-optimized A/C unit, and a speeding ticket (mine - i firmly blame being zoned out and tired and missing the ridiculously low speed limit sign). Then there are the standard needs every November. The kids outgrow their long pants and long shirts from last year, so then need replaced. School has pictures and projects and parties. Travel for holidays and such burns gas (at $3.07 a gallon in Orlando). It all adds up.

So I get very stressed and gripe. I want to know why God hasn't fixed my problem. You know how you get after a few weeks of that? Everything becomes a crisis. THE NEW MAC UPGRADE WON'T LET ME GET ON THE INTERNET AT HOME!!! THE CABLE BOX IS MESSING UP REPEATEDLY DURING THE KIDS' SHOWS!!! WE'RE OUT OF MILK - AGAIN!!! I BANGED MY TOE ON THE STOOL!!! A LIZARD GOT INTO THE HOUSE!!! Soon, instead of being my usual Eeyore self, I turn into a horribly depressed and unpleasant Eeyore. My language starts to slip into college-era. I snap at everyone. My fuse is about five seconds.

So today God decided to give me perspective. As I working in my office, a man came up and asked if I had a jack to fix a flat tire. Being well-trained by my many years of church work, I immediately was on guard. This man was wanting some help - and he could be a fraud. Before I could realize what I was saying, I said, "No, I don't have one." I thought to myself, "Yes, you do. It's in your trunk." The man's face fell. He said, "I just got hired at the new Lowe's yesterday. Today's my first day and I don't want to lose this job already."

I felt bad, and tried to figure out how to save face and solve the problem. "Do you have Triple A?" He looked at me like I was a dope. "No, I don't have money to pay for that." I tried to figure out if any of the counselors would be in soon to bail me out. He was getting desperate. "I have been unemployed for months. I can't lose this job." Finally God broke through and I realized my pride was not as important as this man. "Let me make sure that I don't have one."

We walked to my car and I started pulling stuff out of the trunk - it is full of Defender boxes. I knew right where to look - under the spare. He got excited. "You DO have one." He scampered off to work on his tire and I put the stuff back in the trunk. I walked over to his car, and realized that the was putting the jack in the wrong place and it was going to damage his door and frame. After hesitating (yes I am THAT selfish and stupid) I got down in the dirt and helped him. We changed the tire. It was shredded. There was no scam going on, his tire was used in the first place and it was toast. He's lucky he didn't get in a wreck when it blew out. I put it in the trunk and saw the food he had in his trunk. Canned food from a food kitchen type place and a loaf of old bread with a little mold on it. At that moment I got my perspective.

This guy was broke - really really broke. He was terrified he was going to lose his own small hope for survival. He didn't appear to have a family to go home to and feel blessed (never mentioned one). He was eating food I would have donated or thrown away. And he really needed help. That isn't saying that our struggles are not real and genuine. But we have hope - thanks to generous family members, donors, upcoming bookings. This man had no hope or way to escape his lot. He was very upbeat too. "Now you know you have a jack." (Added guilt pangs.) "If you know anyone who needs a job, tell them go up to Lowe's. They are hiring all positions." I felt like a dirtbag. Before he left, I asked him his name. "Jeff Williams." Easy name to remember for me - same as an old friend from Tampa. I gave him what little money I had in my pocket. "I wasn't asking for your money, sir." I looked at him and said, "I know you weren't, but I know you can use it."

And that was that. Trust me, I'm not trying to make myself look like a saint. In fact, I am probably the villain in the story. I'm too quick to put on that defensive shell - to make someone prove that they are hurting before I help. It is like the Bible story where the servant had a great debt and asked for mercy. His master forgave the debt completely. That servant then found a guy who owed him a couple bucks and had him arrested. The master called the servant back in and blew his stack - reinstated the debt and tossed him in prison. I'm that jerky servant a lot. I expect God to provide when I'm hurting (which is a legitimate prayer and hope). But I look around me and judge other people for their spending or their financial state. I worry that every panhandler is a fraud, everyone who comes to a church for help is a faker. Makes me look like a total punk.

Did I learn my lesson? Probably not. Not even five minutes later one of the counseling clients out in the lobby came in my office and asked if I had a cup she could use. Her medicine was drying out her mouth. I looked around and said, "No, I'm sorry." I then saw my box of cups that I have saved over the years - ones I designed or got as gifts. My initial thought was, "You can't give her those." And I almost let that thought win. But I called her back and gave her one of them. At least it took less time for me to switch from my initial reaction and to do something. I just hope that eventually I will be able to get rid of that first response. I need to keep my perspective.