A Cry in the Night

We are all there from time to time. We may try to deny that fact. It may be because we see it as a weakness or a lack of faith. Maybe we believe we need more vitamins or sunlight or a vacation. So we do our best to ignore it. We stuff it down deep and keep on playing a role that we think the world wants us to play. We go into our jobs and nod at our coworkers. At church we act super holy and smile, or super penitent and solemn.  Modern social media presents us with another opportunity to put on an act.  We either hide our true feelings beneath a flurry of meaningless status updates and Buzzfeed links or we flood our friends with a neverending deluge of griping and moaning.  

I'm referring to the blues, depression, feeling down.  It seems that there are cycles that the average person goes through, happiness and sadness.  But this feeling I'm talking about is more than that.  It is that soul-crushing emptiness and despair that doesn't get fixed with chocolate or a collection of cute animal pictures.  I would wager everyone knows what that feels like.  You can be super religious or not even believe in God.  There are times when something seems to go wrong in our brains and we just take up residence in the darker places.  

We have seen this throughout history.  The prophet Elijah was so depressed at one point (when most people thought he should have been the happiest) that he wanted to die.  Israel's king Saul would go into deep funks.  The Apostle Paul certainly seemed to battle gloominess.  Abraham Lincoln supposedly suffered from two major depressive breakdowns.  In short, it isn't uncommon.  In Pilgrim's Progress, John Bunyan had his characters traverse the Slough of Despond (Despair).  It was pictured as a virtually impassible dark, wet, marshy area.  What a wonderful picture of despair! (And another argument for why books rock.)  You literally get bogged down and can't break loose.

To me, that bog has a vortex at the bottom that sucks me further into the darkness.  It becomes harder to escape and easier to believe the voices that echo in the gloom.  Oh yes, the voices.  How could I forget those?  They are the ones that we are able to block out most of the time with television and music and iPhone apps.  But they come out with a vengeance in the dark.  They are hateful and destructive.  They remind us of our failures and minimize our successes.  They rip and shred and bruise.  It seems so wrong that something so hateful could exist in our own heads.  (Hateful self-talk should be the biggest argument against the theory that humankind does anything possible to survive.)  These accusing tones live deep in the bog and feed on darkness.  And they become louder and louder.

To anyone who can honestly say that they have never battled depression, first say a silent prayer of thanks.  You are a fortunate soul.  Next, know that there things you can do to help those who are struggling.  Don't judge them.  It isn't as if they went looking for this.  Second, don't try to give them advice on how to shake it.  Trust me, they have thought of everything you could offer.  They already are beating themselves up for struggling.  They already are wondering why thinking happy thoughts, listening to uplifting music, and praying isn't curing the problem.  They already are convinced they are doing something horribly wrong.  So your suggestions, no matter how well intentioned they are, will come across as judgment.  Third, try to understand that this is not just being in a bad mood or being down.  It is something that the person cannot shake, no matter how hard they try.

Picture it this way.  Imagine you fall into a deep well.  It is dark and gloomy inside - darker than you can believe.  The further you slip down into the well, the darker it gets.  How can the darkness get darker?  Yet it does.  It is completely black.  The darkness actually feels like it has weight, crushing you.  The voices get louder and the way out seems further and further away.  Hardly a pretty picture.  How can one climb out when they cannot see where they are going?  In that much darkness, climbing out and climbing deeper seem the same.

The worst part about depression, despair, the blues is the lack of hope.  Hope is such an unbelievably powerful concept.  I don't think we actually think about just how strong hope is.  One of the themes of The Hunger Games trilogy is the value of hope.  There are some great discussions with President Snow (the evil despot) about hope in regards to Katniss Everdeen (the reluctant hero).  He talks at first about how hope is valuable, even to a dastardly villain.  "Hope is the only thing stronger than fear."  He recognizes that his subjugated people need hope or they will lose the will to live.  The threat of death would be meaningless to a person who has no life worth living.  "A spark is fine, as long as it is contained."  It is almost how adding a little salt to a chocolate dish enhances the flavor.  A little hope makes the fear more real.  However, he recognizes that the hope he offered is getting out of control by the second book/film.  Instead of being a spark, she has become a beacon.  "Fear does not work as long as there is hope."

This is where I believe our role lies when helping a person in these sloughs.  We are to offer them hope.  Going back to that dark well I was describing earlier.  Imagine if you were to fire a flaming Hawkeye-style arrow into the wall of that pit.  What happens?  Does it provide a way out?  Nope.  Does it fix the problem?  Not at all.  Does it remove all the darkness?  Negatory, good buddy.  But it offers light.  It offers hope.  It points the way up and out.  It gives a little brightness to their world.  The truth it, you never know just how important your words can be to someone.  You don't know what they are going through, what they are struggling with.  It could be that your words are just what they needed to hear.

The other day, I was in the middle of one of these painful patches.  I struggle from time to time with depression.  I am a melancholy personality type, so I drift in that direction anyway.  But I have been battling for a while.  For almost two years, I have been on an anti-depression/anti-anxiety pill.  It has made a world of difference.  But there are still breakthrough moments that defy even the best chemistry can offer.  Last Friday, I went on a field trip with Gabe's class to the local park.  We hiked through the woods and then did a scavenger hunt.  That was followed up by the Daddy/Daughter Dance the same night, and then coaching Gabe's soccer team on Saturday morning.  To a normal person, this would be a reasonable amount of activity.  But, for a person suffering with rheumatoid arthritis, it was the definition of Malcolm Gladwell's Tipping Point theory.  I had been battling with allergies and minor illnesses for a couple of weeks.  The Friday/Saturday combo pushed me over the edge into a full-fledged RA flareup.  RA is a weird thing.  It isn't strictly swollen joints.  It is your immune system trying to destroy your joints.  It does crazy awful things to your body.  Medication for it actually destroys your immune system to stop this destruction.  This leaves you vulnerable to other things - like infections, illnesses, etc.  Mix all of that up, and I was down for the count.  I was exhausted.  I was down.  Sunday, I slept in until 11:30am - over 12 hours.  To anyone who knows me, this is unheard of.  Monday, I woke up, dropped the kids off at school, came home and went back to bed until almost noon.  Yesterday the same thing happened.

Fatigue, pain, illness, flare-up.  I was in a bad state.  And last week I started getting very dark in my mind.  I was doing all the right things to control it.  I was fighting my hardest.  I wasn't letting thoughts take root.  I was fighting the voices.  But it felt like I was getting pulled under the waves and was helpless to escape.  Finally on Monday night, I was laying in bed and trying to sleep with the voices pounding in my head.  Heather was laying there, falling asleep.  I spoke up and told her just how dark things were getting.  I had told her about the struggle of the past week and a half, then about the pain I was wrestling.  She had been a very supportive wife and friend - doing all the things she should do in this situation.  But in that moment, I was crying (literally) for a rescue.  I told her how the voices were continually telling me I was worthless and pointless.  I was explaining how when I am at my best, I am out there with people and teaching and investing in young people.  The opportunities here are limited for that.  My latest Kaplan class had just ended (a correlation I had not recognized until just that moment).  So I was feeling alone and isolated and worthless.  That sends me into my default mode of pulling further and further away into my dark hole.

After listening to these things, she responded.  "David, you are the glue that holds this family together.  Without you, I don't even know how we would function.  The only reason I am able to do what I do is because I never worry about things getting taken care of because I know you are doing them.  Your kids love you to pieces.  I love you.  You are anything but useless."  It was as if she had selected the multi-flaming-arrow move from Hawkeye and launched them all into the wall of my pit.  The darkness exploded with light.  Those words were so incredible and important to hear.  If you have read this blog for a length of time, you know that I have shared my efforts to become a better man, a more reliable husband, a more tender and loving father.  To have my wife say those things to me in my deepest moment of need?  They demonstrated just how far I had come.  They didn't erase the last ten days.  They didn't fix everything.  But they offered me light and love, and so importantly hope.

The last couple of days, I have grabbed onto those words and used them to gain footholds out of my well.  I have used them as weapons to fight off the accusing tones in my head.  And I find myself slowly emerging from the darkness.  More and more, I am realizing just how important we are to each other.  The words we say, the actions we take.  We don't have to be doctors to heal.  Our pastor back in Orlando used to say, "We were not meant to live this life alone."  I am fully convinced that those words are true.  (Sadly, he forgot those words - something that still breaks my heart every time I think of him.)  We were not meant to live alone.  The seminal television show Lost had as its mantra, "Live together; die alone." (Although, some of the most heartbreaking deaths occurred when they were together.)  We never know when a person near us is on the verge of losing it.  We never know how our words may be just what someone needs to hear - or what someone WILL need to hear later.  There are things that people have said to me in my past that still serve as flaming arrows and anchors for me.  It could be Charles Wise saying, "You're a good man, David.  You're a good man." Or it could be Cary Smith tenderly commenting, "You are not an angry man.  I have seen angry men.  You are not angry.  You are a man who lashes out when he feels out of control.  But you are definitely not an angry man."  (That was the first time anyone had said that to me - countering an assessment that had been all too frequent in my life.)  Those words will last my life.  The ones my wife said the other day will go into that treasure chest.  They are words of life and hope.

The same time that I was dealing with all of this, a friend of mine, Adel, from my Apple days posted on his Facebook a story about his life.  He was in a dark place too and something that could be seen as completely random and minor helped to shine new light on his situation.  It really drove home the reminder that we need to be there for each other.  I appreciated his transparency.  And, truthfully, it is what led me to write this.  To anyone striving to be a writer, you know how hard it can be to write.  The negative self-talk rings loud when a writer sits down at his computer, squelching many a good effort.  So imagine writing about depression.  It is a minor miracle that this post ever got finished, and it is a testimony to how important I think it is.  I have often joked that I only hope my life can serve as a warning sign to others.  I truthfully do hope that my failures and weaknesses can help others escape or avoid those.  (Shoot, I would guess ninety percent of the arguments I have with Josiah is trying to keep him from repeating my mistakes and his insistence that he won't, as he does.)  Today, I doubly hope this is true.

For those of you struggling, let me offer you hope.  You are not alone.  You have great worth and value.  There are people all around you that love you and think the world of you.  For those of you not struggling, love those around you.  Don't give up an opportunity to speak words of encouragement to those people you love.  You may think they will tire of hearing you love them, respect them, need them.  But your words may be salvation to them.  And to all of us, take this as a challenge to embrace the chance to change someone's life.  It is so easy to slip into sarcasm and negativity and criticism.  We see that all the time on Facebook and Twitter and the Interwebs.  For once, put that aside and be genuine and truthful and love on someone around you.  Tell them how important they are.  Tell them how talented and beautiful they are.  Give them hope.  Richard DeVos owns a really crappy basketball team, in the Orlando Magic.  But he once said, "Few things in the world are more powerful than a positive push. A smile. A world of optimism and hope. A 'you can do it' when things are tough."  Those are true words.  Go spread some light in the dark.

New Quote For Me To Run Into the Ground

This summer, I have been able to keep up with my movie watching pretty well.  To date, I have only missed one movie that I wanted to see.  It just came out, though, so I'm still okay.  I also did miss the last half of Kung Fu Panda - or as they say "the important half."  Gabe got freaked out and wouldn't calm down.  So I went out and walked him around the mall.  I don't get it.  He was fine in WALL-E.  Slept through most of Get Smart.  Got scared with animated animals.  

Well, while we were sitting there waiting for WALL-E to start, they were running the kids' version of The Twenty - advertising new shows and such.  One they were highlighting is The Tale of Despereaux.  It is a new movie coming out based on the Newberry Award winning book.  It looked interesting.  But what got me was at the end of the interview when the author said, "Those who dare to do the impossible get the impossible done."  I had never heard of the book, but we went and got it after the movie.  I'm finishing it right now.  It is one of the darker and more depressing "kids' books" I have read - at least to this point.  It is good, just not something I want my kids hearing right now.  But I had gotten it strictly because of that line.

I don't know about you, but for me, I need things to hold on to.  Most of the time I feel so out of control of my life - wondering when things will change.  It isn't because I am lazy and sitting around hoping for God to drop a big bucket of goodness in my lap.  I am active and working and searching - looking for job, looking for funding, looking for bookings.  But things just don't seem to be going anywhere.  Even when we get some hope, it seems like it dries up quicker than rain in Las Vegas.  That line really resonated with me because it often feels like I live in the Land of the Impossible.  It's a strange land.  Sometimes others who don't live there mistake it for the StupidLand or PollyanaTown or The Nation of Fantasy.  I just know that most of the things that have happened in my life have directed me here.

• I am daring to do the impossible with my career.  I am trying to convince churches that they need to discuss issues they don't want to discuss.  I am trying to help people break free from a prison they don't want to leave.  I am trying to raise funds and get bookings during a downturned economy.  I am trying to fight an industry that is so rich and powerful and government protected that they could crush me without a thought.  All of those things are impossible.  I'm fighting against statistics, hormones, big money, and pride/ego.  Quite frankly, my job is impossible.
• Heather is daring to do the impossible with her career.  She knows that God built her to be a doctor.  Everything in her life has directed her to that point.  She has gotten better in school and in tests SINCE she had kids.  But, she faces women who think she has no business being in a job at all.  She faces old school doctors who don't want people concerned with family.  She faces long long hours, hard classes, the very real possibility of lots of debt, the chance we have to move, and time away from her family.  The other option is to hope that she is one of the forty people UCF picks out of thousands of applicants for their first class - then it would be free and here.  Quite frankly, her calling is impossible.
• As parents, we are daring to do the impossible with our kids.  We are trying to teach them to love God, love others, respect their elders and authorities, do well in school.  We are trying to help them become positive influences.  We are trying to protect them from the dangers out there on the Internet, movies, and television - or at friends' houses.  We are trying to teach them about God, when the world thinks He's a joke.  Quite frankly, that kind of parenting is impossible.
• Our church is daring to do the impossible.  We are trying to grow a church the right way.  We are trying to love each other and support each other.  We are trying to do things different - not just following the formulas laid out by the big guys.  We are trying to minister in an area saturated with churches, but not necessarily with places to grow.  We are ministering to the people who get encouraged to leave other churches.  And we hope that church grows, is able to survive financially, and can change its world.  Quite frankly, that kind of church is impossible.

I guess is why that line meant so much.  We all have this drive to be a part of something bigger than ourselves.  We want to be involved in something great and huge and powerful.  We want to be there and see the impossible happen.  We want to be there - so we can talk about the amazing things we saw and were a part of.  But, like in the powerful speeches in Henry V and Braveheart, not everyone is willing to do what it takes to BE a part of those things.  Not everyone is willing to try to do the impossible.  We all want to be able to tell the tales after, but we don't all want to be the ones fighting and warring.  We don't want to get beat down 364 days in a row just so we can be there the one day when we finally break through and win.  But if no one is willing to do the impossible, then it never will get done, right?  If parents aren't willing to fight for their kids, if churches aren't willing to fight for the world, if those who are called aren't willing to answer - what hope is there? 

The Tale of Despereaux talks about how Hope and Love are very similar.  They are both very silly and blind and stupid at times.  (I would add Faith to that, as well.)  They make you believe in things that make no sense.  They make you act like a fool.  But if you have Faith, Hope, and Love, you have to do those things - just because you have Faith, Hope, and Love.  As 1 Corinthians 13:13, Colossians 1:5, and 1 Thessalonians 5:8 all show, those three things will remain - and they are all you need.  That's true with us - it seems like that is all we have left!  We have Faith that God will deliver like we know He can and has promised.  We have Hope that even the overwhelming odds can be overcome when the time is right.  We have Love for those people whose lives are being destroyed and wounded and cast aside.  So we HAVE to dare to do the impossible.  It may be silly and blind and stupid.  But it is what we have to do.  Otherwise, we didn't really have Faith or Hope or Love after all.

Uncovering Root Issues

So yesterday's post came out of a overwhelming sense of frustration. As I have had time to dwell on things, I know that what I said certainly was valid. There is a huge problem with Christians not loving each other. But there are other issues at play - that are intensified by this issue - and that intensify this issue. I started thinking about my own life, and if there was anyone that I was having trouble loving. Yes, there were people that fit in that category. A couple of them are people who have hurt me and those close to me so much that I will probably always struggle with loving them. I catch myself getting angry at them - for past wrongs - and I have to go to God and ask Him to help me. Sometimes, something will cause actual angry and rage to flare up at those people. It is in those times that I understand just how poorly I know how to love. I have all the justifications in my head for why I am allowed to feel that way. But then I think about the fact that Jesus loved Judas, and I have to slink off to my shame corner.

Today, though, a different person popped up into my head. It is a very dear friend - someone who has been a huge positive influence on my life and ministry. But I have been very unloving in my heart towards him. It has even gotten bad enough that seeing his face on Facebook will get my blood pressure rising. I took a moment and thought, "What could have possibly gotten things to that point?" And it all came down to the fact that he did something - actually, more correctly DIDN'T do something I wanted him to do. I don't know if he even knew what he was supposed to do. As a result, it has gotten to be like a poison in our relationship. And now, there is a huge wall built up there.

So, I thought about my options. I could write him and his friendship off forever and just keep building the wall. That is pretty dumb. I could act like everything is fine both to him and to myself. That hasn't been working yet. Or I could go to him and talk to him. yikes. I don't want to do that. I don't want to go to him and talk - he intimidates me and I would be terrified of him rejecting my apology. But, the Bible says we are supposed to do just that. In Matthew 5 we are told that if we remember that our brother has something against us, we should pause our worship to fix things. This is part of the Sermon on the Mount, where Jesus flies in the face of human standards by setting His own standards. He had just talked about how the persecuted and poor and meek were the real winners. Now, He tells us, "Don't just go to the brother if YOU have something against HIM. Go to him even if HE has something against YOU." It was a foregone conclusion that we should go to them for our own pains, but He added to try to make peace with THEIR pains.

So I was already on shaky ground. James 5 talks about us confessing our sins to each other. The Lord's Prayer tells us that we have to forgive people. So I had to make things right - something I have begun trying to do. How it goes, I am not sure. But I have to obey and love my friend enough to try to make things right.

This is part of the problems that led to yesterday's post. We don't do things in Church. We don't go to each other and try to work out problems. We harbor them and let them fester and burn in our souls. Part of that is because communication is so bad - people don't know how to communicate at all - and part of it is because it is not modeled for people. When our church leaders do not go to people who they have wronged, or if they claim they have never wronged anyone, or if they won't go to people who have wronged them, then how are the members supposed to realize it is important? If the leadership is insulated and removed from the people, how can those members go to the leaders and express their own hurt? Love is missing - but so is communication, forgiveness, remorse, humility, and peacemaking.

It can paint a bleak picture, when we see how badly things are going. But we can make a change at least in our own lives. I am tired of seeing this in my own life. I want to fix things. I am tired of harboring stuff - I already battle being "an Eeyore" and being "cynical and sardonic." I don't need to contribute to that by keeping those poisons inside. I hope that you can say the same.

They Shall Know You Are Christians By Your...

The thing about Christians is that we are supposed to be very easy to identify. We are supposed to stand out and be different. But, according to John 13, 1 John 2, and 1 John 4, the most easily recognizable character trait is supposed to be our love for one another. "They will know you are my disciples by your love one for another." That is what Jesus told His followers in John 13. It must have made an impression on John, since the entire book of 1 John does just two things - fight gnosticism and talk about how we should love each other. That is a pretty powerful thought. When people are trying to figure out what you stand for, they should know your beliefs about God by how you love people.

Why would that be such a telling behavior? Think about it - all people should know how to love. They have parents and family and friends and kids. Love should be one of the most common traits in mankind in general. Yet, it is so absent that if we actually loved each other, it would be so startling that immediately people would know that we are Christians. The fact is that love has been counterfeited and damaged and poisoned from the very beginning. Satan attacked that right away, and it soon became selfish. This love that Jesus and John were referring to was not the love that we see on display around us. Those are actually lustful and manipulative and selfish loves. This love is the Agape love that Jesus displayed - unconditional love that would be willing to die for another. THAT is how much we as Christians should love.

Boy, did we blow that. How are Christians known now? How are they recognized? Let's take a look at the defining characteristics of Christians ACCORDING TO THE WORLD.

Judgmental: Christians judge everyone around them (Christian and not). If I realize you don't believe like me, then I judge you. You must not be open to God's leading, since you don't believe like I do. We then try to cram our beliefs down your throat. And this isn't just on big issues. It is on little stuff that the Bible doesn't even address. This leads into the next characteristic.

Hateful: Christians hate those people who do not believe like them. That may be the person who drinks (if you are Baptist), or who sleeps around, or the homosexual, or the liberal Democrat, or the environmentalist, or the abortionist. It isn't just left at judging those people, it becomes a genuine hatred for those people.

Stupid: Christians don't even try to learn about issues, they just spout the Bible out and expect that to suffice. This is seen in the stem cell argument, the evolution/Creation argument, politics and war in general, science across the board. Most Christians completely ignore 1 Peter 3:15 and can't justify their faith at all. When it gets questioned, they get angry and run.

No Fun: Christians can't do anything fun. They can't have sex or drink or do drugs or play cards or dance. They can't go to football games because church is on Sunday.

Hypocrites: They say one thing and do another. They spout verses out and go to church, but act exactly the same at home and at work. They are just as unethical, immoral, vulgar, and angry.

If you don't believe these are true, just watch television or get online. CNN is running a special this week on God's Warriors. It is about extremists in Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. They have found these Christians who are militant about their beliefs. They are easy to find, because they are loud and confrontational. I heard one at the Exodus conference - talking about Revolution. Television shows that have run in the last year have had Christians reflecting each of these characteristics. The characters have ranted and railed. They have sold out their faith. They have betrayed each other. They have done everything except love.

And the world is dead on in their assessment. I know this because I spend my life around Christians. I am entering my tenth year working in ministry and church related jobs. In that time, I have seen Christians do some of the most despicable acts to each other. It has been ridiculous. I have seen ministers lie, cheat, and misallocate funds to advance their own agenda. I have seen pastors absolutely DESTROY staff people to keep them in line or punish them for even the smallest infractions. This included telling them that they were incompetent, uneducated, worthless, and unwanted. One minister was called a cancer and another a parasite. Another was told he was lucky to have his job, because he wouldn't be able to get anything else that paid decent. Several young people who were considering entering ministry were given lousy maintenance jobs and told that if they really wanted to serve God, they would do that with joy. Then they were constantly berated and mistreated.

Okay, those were hearsay, right? Well allow me to share MY experiences:
- My job was threatened at my first church job six different times. As in "If this happens again you are fired." My crimes? One time I misspelled a word in the bulletin. Another time I had the wrong paper for a newsletter due to a mistake by our vendor. Another time I was lied to by some other area ministers and got left holding the bag for an event. My worst crime was I confronted the pastor about some questionable spending.
- I was continually told that I could not put the Rev. in front of my name because I was "just a secretary."
- I was ripped a new one during a meeting in front of the rest of the staff because I dared to express the fact that I felt the staff was not a level playing field, and then apologizing for my bad attitude.
- I was mocked for seeing my group's numbers drop when I had just taken over the ministry and was re-organizing it.
- I had a pastor tell me that their church "deserved someone with a seminary degree" instead of me since I didn't have one -which has been echoed several times other places without the snotty attitude.
- By Christians in general, I have been chastised for being too secular for watching too much television, going to too many movies, listening to too much non-Christian music, reading non-Christian books, not homeschooling my kids, going to a public university, letting my wife consider go to medical school, having friends who drink, reading Donald Miller books, going to a big church, and making too many jokes.
- On the flip side, I have also been chastised for being too closed-minded for NOT watching certain TV shows, NOT going to movies with excessive violence or sex, for NOT listening to most music, for NOT reading Harry Potter, for sending my kids to a Christian school instead of a public one, for taking seminary classes at all, for working for a church, for NOT drinking, for NOT liking Rob Bell, for going to a small church now, and for being too negative.

Basically, Christians don't love each other. It is not modelled in church staffs. Pastors usually are using their jobs at larger churches to get more attention so they can have a tv show and book deal and get to speak at conferences. They use business principles for growing their church. They will run over anyone they need to in order to succeed. They teach sermon series on success and prosperity instead of teaching the Gospel. The membership turns on anyone who doesn't agree with them. When a staff person or lay leader leaves, they are shredded by everyone. "There must be something wrong with Person X if they dare to leave our church." If a person comes forward with a sin issue (porn, lust, drinking, anger, abuse) they are ostracized or booted out. They never are restored or lovingly ministered to. Churches consider too much recovery ministry a "bad thing" because it brings too many of the "wrong kind of people" to their church (actual position from a church conference).

In the mean time, the world outside the church doors sees all of this and wonders why in tarnation they would EVER go inside. They are already reviled by the church, and it doesn't seem as if it is going to change if they join it. I am so tired of this. I have wanted to post something like this for a long time. But I have been afraid about if someone who is not churched reading my post and getting angry at God. Then I thought about it - they already know this. They already see it. They already have been judged and hated and insulted by Christians. They already feel unloved by the very people who should be known for their love. The Early Church was actually so loving that people around them accused them of being lewd - because no one could understand how perfect strangers could care so much about each other without sex playiing a part. Today, that is so far from true. Today, if Christians actually tried to market themselves as loving, the people around would think it was a joke. I know I would, and I work within the church world.

We aren't told to do service projects to prove how much we love the world - so we can trick them into coming and getting saved. We aren't told to call ourselves "The Loving Place" so we don't actually have to follow through. We are told that we should be known by how much we love EACH OTHER. If you are incapable of loving and caring for your own family, how can you possibly think you can love anyone else? I guess that some things that have happened in MY world lately have really made this a point to consider. I have witnessed some of the ugliest and hateful behavior committed by Christians in the past couple weeks that I have ever seen in my life. Supposedly Godly men have lied, backstabbed, and blackballed to protect themselves - from accusations that were 100% true. I also found out that one of the most hateful and vicious people I ever met in church work is actually 2nd in command at one of the largest Baptist churches in America now. I had heard he was run out of ministry for his viciousness. Turns out he was promoted. This has always been the biggest challenge for me being in the church world - you know too much. You see too much. And you get beat up, hated, and mistreated too much.

I don't want this post to be a rant or just blowing off steam. I hope that it convicts you. It convicted me. I get very angry and judgmental - especially when someone questions my writing or my work. Those things are very personal to me. I am pouring myself out and when you read my stuff or use my projects, you are kind of getting to know who I am. So, when I face criticism, I am overly sensitive. And that turns to anger. I guess I battle thinking that if people don't like what I wrote or generated, that it means there is no use in it. I question what gives me the right to put my opinions out there anyway. I'm just a 33 year old with no seminary degree and minimal "useful experience." So I want people to like my stuff. And if they don't I feel like it invalidates my writing it - and in some ways invalidates me. You can think that is stupid if you want. I don't care. That is how I feel - and it is stupid. I have as much right to say my thoughts as the other 55 million bloggers. And I need to get over it. I need to be more loving - to those who disagree with me, to those who hurt me, to those who hurt people I care about, to people different than me. I hope that maybe this will make you take stock too. If we are supposed to be recognized by our love, and we aren't loving, that what the heck are we even here for? How are we supposed to represent God and bring Him glory if we don't even look like Him. He IS love. Maybe we should think about that fact for a while and see if that changes anything. I hope it does.

My Girls

Every so often I use this space to become a sappy twit and gush all over something. Hopefully it isn't too sweet for you. Don't want anyone to get a cavity. :)

For me, it is a very full schedule around Christmas. On the 19th, it is my wife Heather's birthday. The 22nd is my daughter's birthday. And then the 25th is Christmas. (If you didn't know that last one - I'm just a big ole helper elf.) This year, you also got to throw in Heather's college graduation on the 12th and that made for an extra-special heap of cheer.

All of this just makes me think about the people in my life. I have literally always wanted to be a father and husband. Even when I was little - uh - young - I dreamed of having a family. And I have always wanted to have a little girl. I also wanted a boy. (What better way to have a football buddy?) But I really looked forward to being a father to a girl. I know how hard it is for girls in today's world. They fight such incredible battles with body image, and what guys expect of them. And I wanted to be able to help a little lady grow up with confidence and love.

When my little girl came along, she was all I imagined and more. She was incredible. She was brilliant - just like her brother. And she was flat out loony - just like her dad. She has this sense of humor that is just nuts. Even at the age of 3 this year, she already has an amazing comedic timing and great silly outlook on life. I laugh at and with her all the time. She has brought such joy to everyone. And she carries herself so well - far beyond her years. I am so proud of what she is becoming. And I cannot wait to see her as she grows and begins to have an influence on people. (And, lest you think I don't gush over my boy - just scan the archives of this blog in Septembers past.)

I hope that I have had some part of this wonderful young lady. But I know for sure that it is because of Heather. They have such a special bond. And Heather has time and again put herself out to help meet our little girl's needs - and to love on her. Our baby girl is a very cuddly girl, and loves to snuggle. Sometimes, when you have gone through a long day at school, the last thing you want is someone hanging on you for hours. But Heather is there for all of us.

And since it was her birthday the other day, I thought about Heather as I went through this sap-fest. I knew Heather would be a great wife. She is a loving person, who is fiercely loyal to those special to her. And her sweet spirit helps to make me always feel at home. What surprised me about the kind of wife she is, is how much she challenges me. I don't mean arguing with me. But Heather is the one person in my world who can always cut through my junk and get right to my heart. She knows when I am pulling stuff on her or others and she calls me on it. She also encourages me and pushes me to be better than I am. Which is what I need. She believes in me too, which is so awesome. When you have worked places where you were constantly belittled and pushed down, it is amazing to have someone who thinks so highly of you --- even when she has seen you at your smoothie-throwing worst.

What has been the biggest surprise is what an absolutely amazing mother Heather is. That is not to say I didn't think she would be - I knew she was going to be great. But I am completely in awe at just how incredible she is. And, mind you, this has been for the past few years, coupled with being a full-time student. (Which she also aced.) When I observe our kids, they are so well adjusted and well behaved - and they are confident and secure. I think a big reason is because of Heather. She brings the best out in them as well. She pushes them and encourages them and picks up on their quirks and hurts. She reigns me in when I am frustrated. And she can diffuse most situations with a few words. And the kids adore her. Sometimes I just like to sit in the chair and watch her be with the kids - it gives me a warm feeling to see our kids getting such love and support.

I guess I just wanted to share some of my thoughts about my girls. In the Christmas season, it is a need reminder to me of how much God has already given me. I have an amazing wife, daughter, and son. And for that I am so blessed. Heather, I love you so much and am so proud of you. And Nat, I love you and think you are just the coolest little girl ever. Happy Birthday to you both.

The Counterfeit

I want to talk about The Counterfeit - not counterfeiting in general - but the one being who is the great counterfeit. That being would be Satan. He is a liar, and he has made it his goal throughout history to create lies about God - and offer false imitations of God to mankind. Why? Think about it, if I were to go up to someone and flat out ask them, "Do you want to follow God or Satan?" - what would nearly everyone say? Most people aren't going to go and pick Satan - "Hmm, purity and goodness or evil, what to choose, what to choose." So Satan had to cheat - and lie - and come up with all kinds of lies about God.

It began in the Garden of Eden. He came up to Eve and questioned three things about God. He questioned His Message, His Meaning, and His Motives. First, he said, "Did God really say you couldn't eat of every tree?" He twisted God's words, and that led Eve to rethink what God actually said. Then he asked, "Did God really mean that you would die?" Now he was urging Eve to question whether or not she had understood God correctly. Finally, he flat out called God a liar and said that God only wanted to stop the fruit-eating because He didn't want humans to be wise like Him. And the whole process worked so well, he has been doing the same song and dance ever since.

I think I came up with an idea for an extremely interesting Bible study. Go through the Bible and take everything that God ever called Himself. (I supposed you could go through one of those Names of God type books and save a step.) After you have compiled the list, go back through and look at what lie Satan fabricated to counteract that characteristic. Let's just take four of the biggies -from the New Testament, no less. First, look at John 14:6. Jesus says, "I am The Way, The Truth, and The Life. No man comes to the Father but by me." Here we find three of the huge characteristics of God - ones that we all must accept.

THE WAY - Jesus was saying that He was the only road, only door to the Father. It is a straightforward statement, but one that has caused so much trouble. If there is one thing that people do not like, it is being told that there is only one way to do things. (That's why I hated Geometry - I wanted to do things my own way in proofs.) Look at the trouble Mel Gibson got into by leaving this verse in The Passion of the Christ. That was the line that everyone harped on during his interviews. So Satan has convinced us that there is more than one way to God. On State Road 50 in Orlando, on the way to downtown from UCF, there is a huge billboard claiming that Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism is all the same thing. "Many different paths, one God. Let's get together and talk about peace." In the world of Postmodernism, which drives most people, this is a cornerstone philosophy. Everyone who is passionate and good gets to Heaven. What an effective lie.

THE TRUTH - Numerous times, we are told that God is Truth. And we, as Christians are told to wield this weapon. The Word of God (The Truth) is as sharp as a two-edged sword, able to separate soul and spirit. In Isaiah 61:1, we are told that this Truth is what will free captives and heal the brokenhearted. But Satan has created the lie that there is no such thing as The Truth. Absolute truth does not exist. We have no right to tell anyone else that what they believe is wrong. If the last lie was one of the foundational points of Postmodernism, this one is the banner it flies. Everyone is okay; what everyone believes is right. (Ignoring the massive philosophical and logical problems that statement causes.) As a result, if we meet someone who is passionate and educated, they must be right. Why has The Da Vinci Code been such a resounding hit and such a troublesome thorn to the Church? It sounds true, it claims to be true, and Dan Brown did such a good job in writing it that most people are sure it is true. Again, quite an effective approach by Satan.

THE LIFE - Ah, life the most precious of commodities. Jesus' claim to be The Life resonated in verses like John 10:10, where He said He wanted to give us abundant life. Also, He is the resurrection and life, so even if we are dead we will live. Death and public speaking are the two greatest fears in America. Jesus' claim takes care of the first one. We don't need to fear death or life. How could Satan fight this? By teaching people that life is not important or to be valued. Instead of a sanctity of life, there is a focus on quality of life. If your life is not quality (Who judges that? Is there a scale?), then you don't need to live. With that lie, we see an explosion in the beliefs for abortion, and cloning, and euthanasia, and assisted suicide, and genocide, and ethnicide. Instead of merely offering a counterfeit of The Life (which he also did by pushing the epicurean lifestyle), Satan also tried to just remove the importance of all life.

The last biggie I want to look at is found in 1 John. It is here that God claims to be Love. What a powerful concept and image. Love - it is what every human wants and needs. As dcTalk once sang, "We all want to be loved." Love is what set God apart from all the gods of the world. They didn't love their people. The Ancient Greek and Roman gods saw people as playthings and creatures to be tormented and used. The gods of the ancient world were harsh - requiring sacrifice of children, cutting of flesh, homicide of virgins. The one true God offered love - not torment. And this love was free of anything we could do. How would Satan fight this most powerful and attractive of God's characteristics? Let's look at the three Greek words for love and how Satan attacked those.

EROS - Sensual love - It is weird to discuss this facet in light of God, but He is the one who created marriage and this aspect of love. And Satan has done a doozy on it. He has offered lust instead. Lust is not caring about the concerns and needs of the other person. It is selfish. It is about meeting YOUR needs and YOUR desires. It is seeing other people are tools to bring yourself satisfaction. That is lust. We see it in movies, magazines, websites. Little boys are trained to look lustfully at women by their fathers, big brothers, and neighbors. Girls are taught that to get a boy's attention they need to dress provocatively and flaunt their bodies. And the entire world becomes a sphere of shattered people - wounded by perhaps the fastest growing and most destructive lie of Satan.

PHILOS - Brotherly love - This is friendship love. It is what we see as Aaron holds Moses' arms up. It is described as iron sharpening iron. We find this as we study David and Jonathan - two men whose hearts were linked for life. How has this been poisoned? Satan offers us the love of contacts and networks instead of true friendship. It's not what you know, it's who you know - and who you can use to advance yourself. He also offers us homosexuality. It is funny, people do not talk about David and Jonathan very often in church any more because it has been so often pushed as biblical "proof" of gay relationships. How tragic. And how many men are standing alone in the world because they don't want to open up to another guy for fear of being labeled gay? The lion loves to find the isolated animal to pick off.

AGAPE - Unconditional love - This is the Love God portrays. What a wonderful and heartwarming thought. He loves us - period. The End. Thanks for coming, tip your waiters and waitresses. There is not something we need to do to get it, or anything we could do to lose it. So Satan gives us raging egomania - unconditional self-love. We love ourselves and everyone else becomes a way to get what we want. There is no service, no ministry. Even those people in charge of ministry use it as a way to get ahead and get a raise or promotion - a book or speaking gig. As a result, this love is such a foreign concept to us, we wouldn't recognize it if we saw it - and don't have any clue how to do it.

So, Satan has given us counterfeits. And we fell for them. I know I have - especially in the realm of love. I don't love people. I am very self-centered. And I have to break that - and so do you. How do you do it? We've all heard how the U.S Treasury Department learns how to spot a counterfeit - they know the genuine article so well that anything false jumps out. So we need to know God in an intimate way - and learn about Him - and grow so close to Him that any deviation from Him pops out at us. That's my challenge that I must now face. My journey of self-discovery has ended with me here. It is like I worked through a gigantic video game, beat the last level boss, and walked into a gigantic cipher. Instead of hearing some midi go "Bwoo, bwoo, bwoo" - a whole new challenge opened up. I just beat the console game only to enter a massive one without an ending. I now have to begin the long process of undoing 18 years of doing it wrong. I have to discipline my mind and bring every thought captive and learn to take my eyes off myself and put them on God. And instead of thinking everyone circles around me, I have to realize I'm here to touch their lives and show them Jesus. I guess I finally learned how to see. So instead of the journey ending, all I did was finish the prologue. The book just started.