88% Meat!!!

In 1993, we were all treated to a cinema classic when Demolition Man exploded onto movie screens.  It was a fun movie, to be sure.  Completely implausible, but fun.  It featured some big names actors - several who would even get award nominations and victories in future years.  The soundtrack was by Sting.  Like I said, fun movie.  Here's its IMDB page, if you are interested.  The basic story was a modern supercop (Sylvester Stallone, of course) was convicted of wrongfully killing an apartment complex full of people.  He was sentenced to cryogenic prison - he was frozen.  Many years later he is unfrozen in the sissified future to capture a violent criminal (Wesley Snipes) who had somehow escaped from this cryo-prison.  The future was pretty bizarre, played for laughs, and completely impossible to imagine.  In one of the more ridiculous examples of this future, everyone keeps talking about going to Taco Bell, like it is this big awesome deal.  Stallone's cop finally can't take it anymore and wonders why.  His partner (Sandra Bullock) explains that Taco Bell was the only restaurant that survived the "Fast Food Wars."  Every restaurant was now Taco Bell.

It really was one of the more brazen (and brilliant) product placements in movie history.  And it paved the way for Happy Gilmore to supercharge his golf swing with Subway subs, as well as allowed Tony Stark to demand Burger King after his release/escape from prison.  It also allowed for Taco Bell to develop one of their special combo meals that they are so known for.  Back then, Taco Bell was not really into that, yet.  This was one of their first big combo efforts.  Later, it would be replicated with their tie in with Congo and the "Volcano Combo."  It even led to the stupid Star Wars Episode I tie in with sister chains KFC and Pizza Hut.  Now, Taco Bell always has some kind of combo going that's tied in to something.  But, back then, it was unique.  I remember many times ordering the Demolition Man Combo.  Then I would go back to my dorm and become a demolition man in the bathroom.  Good fun.

I thought of this the other day when Taco Bell's plans to become the only restaurant on earth took a severe blow when it was sued for making the egregious claim that it used "meat" in its food.  Details of the lawsuit can be found here.  The basics of the suit is that Taco Bell is supposedly not meeting federal standards for "meat" by adding fillers, oats, water, circus peanuts to their beef.  "Attorney Dee Miles said the meat mixture contained just 35 percent beef, with the remaining 65 percent containing water, wheat oats, soy lecithin, maltodrextrin, anti-dusting agent and modified corn starch."  Amazingly, the suit does not want Taco Bell to stop this practice.  Rather, it wants them to now call their product "meat mixture" rather than "beef."

Taco Bell, naturally, did not take this sitting down on the toilet.  (They obviously don't eat their own products.)  They fired back with a threat of a countersuit and explained that "yuh huh" their meat is really animal.  They even have put up posters in their restaurants with the bold statement "THANK YOU FOR SUING US!"  If you read the poster - which I did yesterday at our visit to Taco Bell - it claims that their meat is actually 88% percent meat, and then only 12% other stuff.  SO THERE!!! HA HA!  They showed you!  You lying rat fishturds.  Eighty eight percent!  Eighty eight percent!

Waaaaait a minute...

Bragging that your meat is 88% meat is kind of like FSU bragging that 9 out of 10 of their male students obtain permission before engaging in sexual activity with someone.  "FSU!!!  Now with only 10% rapists!!!"  [Real fact from this website.]  Taco Bell even went on to list the rest of the stuff in their food.

"We start with USDA-inspected quality beef (88%)," Taco Bell said in an ad signed by company president Greg Creed. "Then add water to keep it juicy and moist (3%). Mix in Mexican spices and flavors including salt, chili pepper, onion powder, tomato powder, sugar, garlic powder and cocoa powder (4%). Combine a little oats, caramelized sugar, yeast, citric acid and other ingredients that contribute to the flavor, moisture, consistency and quality of our seasoned beef."  [That last category is 5%, since they didn't state it.]

Way to go Taco Bell!!  The poster actually says that they use the same USDA beef that we would use at home.  Doubtful.  See, I usually use a 93/7 beef to fat kind of meat.  If I'm buying for bulk, I'll use the 90/10 from Sam's.  I severely doubt the Mexican Phone Company is going to cough up that kind of money.  My guess is that the BEST they use is an 80/20 blend of ground chuck.  They may even have some other option we don't - like a 70/30 one.  NOW WITH MORE HOOF!!!  So, that 88% number is obviously not correct.  Let's say they use a 80/20 - being kind and all.  Using simple math, that means that the real "meat" percent is actually closer to 70%, with 18% being fat, 3% being water, 4% being spices , and 5% being oats, sugar, gym mats, batting, recycled tennis shoes.  (The truth of what they use is far more disturbing and uses the words "Cutter Grade.")

Now, if Taco Bell's numbers are right, they aren't too bad.  If you were make taco meat at home, your numbers actually would be worse.  Take one pound of ground beef (16 ounces), a packet of spices (1.25 ounces), and 3/4 cup of water (about 6 ounces).  The percents for that would be meat 69%, spices 5%, and water 26%.  Of course, some of the water and some of the fat cooks out, so those numbers would be quite different.  [Most of the time, I don't use water when I make it.  Just to share.]

I, for one, don't believe Taco Bell's numbers for a minute.  From what I noticed, no one was surprised at the original lawsuit and accusations.  People have heard bad things about fast food for years.  I have been told numerous times that Taco Bell's meat is a lower USDA grade than cat food.  This article actually shows one man's research into that claim.  [My favorite line in it is "it is all cow meat and by law cannot contain cow organs or tendons or hooves or anything except cow meat."]  This doesn't surprise me.  We know this.  There is a part of our mind that has accepted this.  We know that there is no way McDonald's has served all the hamburgers it claims to if they were all actually 100% meat.  We honestly don't expect it.  So what if they use "mechanically separated chicken" or cow meat as long it doesn't have hoof in it.  I actually have an easier time believing the lawsuit numbers instead of Taco Bell's.

Even if their numbers are accurate, the fact remains that the quality of their meat is hardly even comparable to what we would use at home.  To try to claim that their stuff is just like ours is insulting.  What the lawsuit against the Bell will probably try to do is to point out that the 88% number is not truly all meat - going by what else goes into its creation.  It's another example of a major corporation getting caught skating the line and then retaliating with spin doctors and lawsuits and bluster.  It's like when Denny's was accused of being racist, which then prompted them to do a similar "thanks for suing us" campaign.  It was something like, "Thanks for reminding us of what is important.  Thanks for reminding us that we should remember what elementary kids have hammered home every day - to not judge people by the color of their skin when they just want some pancakes."  Then they put plaques up in every store assuring us that they don't discriminate.

Look, we know how this is going to end.  Taco Bell is going to make some token apology.  They'll print a bunch of new posters to convince us they are "working harder."  They'll pay some people off, fire some executives.  The lawsuit will be a distant memory and Taco Bell won't go anywhere.  They may see some dip in sales for a few weeks.  But not every restaurant is open for "Fourth Meal" - or, as FSU students call it, "When the Munchies Kick In."  People won't stop going there because they don't care.  Like I said, no one was stunned by this news.  People will keep on thinking outside the bun and scarfing down cheap tacos and gorditas.  And Taco Bell can continue their quest for fast food domination.  I just ask that they don't insult me by bragging about the mediocre way they are doing business.  Don't throw "88%" in my face, like I'm supposed to be impressed.  You're Taco Bell.  You're disgusting.  You are not some authentic Mexican place with fresh hearty ingredients.  Don't pretend to be so.  Take your lumps, do what you have to do.  And then get back to what you do best - developing big combos, negotiating movie tie-ins, cooking crappy food, and thinking about how to save our future - with or without a defrosted Sly Stallone.

Chicken about Chicken

A few months back, I wrote an absolutely amazing review of the different fast food Angus burgers.  The overwhelming popularity of that post (over 10 people read it) led to some very helpful comments.  One person told me that I should be a comedic food critic.  Another person said I had found my niche.  And another person helpfully suggested I should crawl back into whatever brain-dead hole I crawled out of.  I really had intended on continuing that series of reviews.  I had plans to evaluate the different spicy chicken sandwiches.  And then, come February, I was going to look at the inevitable string of fast food fish sandwiches that are trotted out for Lent.  (Seriously, everyone has one now.  McDonalds, BK, Wendy's, Arby's, Checkers)

Well, something strange happened along the way to those events.  I started really looking at my weight and food choices.  And in January, I began a process of completely changing how I eat and approach food.  [All of this is being documented on my other blog "Darth Fatso Must Die" - which gets tons more visitors than this blog, even though it is newer and untagged.]  So, I cannot offer you my pithy comments regarding the fish sandwiches out there.  Why?  Well, I don't eat sandwiches any more.  I haven't had any bread since January 18.  So I wouldn't be much help.

However, I am not quite ready to give up my "idiotic food critiques" just yet.  My new food path actually has brought me into a new group of evaluations.  So, I look forward to offering up some inane comments on things like chili, pulled pork, soup, and salads soon.  Today, I will begin with one of the most basic things out there.  Chicken.

Chicken is cheap.  It is easy.  You can buy an entire chicken at your local grocery store for just a couple of bucks.  It isn't hard to cook chicken.  Put it in a pan, stick it in the oven, cook it until it won't make you sick.  Sure, there are cool things you can do with chicken.  You can marinate it, which infuses it with flavors and keeps it juicy as you stave off the dreaded salmonella.  You can grill it, giving it that carcinogen tinged flavor on the outside as it struggles to finish on the inside.  You can cram a can of beer up its butt and cook it standing up - which has always seemed like a cruel way to treat the poor bird.  But, in the end, it is chicken.

How cheap and versatile is chicken?  There is an entire industry of restaurants that uses one of the most useless part of the bird - the wing - and sells them in giant bowls, swimming with butter and hot sauce.  We eat just about everything on a chicken.  I watch Food Network - and I've seen them use the feet, the gizzards, liver, heart, comb, eggs, and meat.  Shoot, we'll even cook the chicken bones to make soup.  Chicken is good for you.  It tastes great.  It is cheap.  On the whole, the chicken is super food resource.

So, why in the wide wide world of sports is it so hard to find chicken in a restaurant?

This is a serious question.  It is no wonder that people make just abysmally bad eating choices.  There just are not many good chicken options out there.  And, more often than not, when you happen to see "grilled chicken" on a menu, it is some industrial food service prepared chicken breast that gets cooked into dryness.  It is pumped full of salt and "broth" to give it flavor and juice.  It is coated with weird seasoning facial cream.  It is usually a small piece of meat.  And, to add insult to injury, it costs way more than it should.  I just don't understand.

How hard would it be for a restaurant to make sure they had a couple of chicken options on their menu? If they have a grill to do their burgers or whatever, they could just toss the chicken on there.  If they have an oven to bake things, they can toss the chicken in there.  But it just becomes too much effort.  Modern restaurants have this things where everything they order has to be multi-tasked into multiple menu items. They follow the Alton Brown approach to the kitchen - no single use food items.  This is best highlighted by a conversation I had with a waiter at Chili's a few years ago.  I was shocked to see they had dropped fried cheese sticks off their menu.  Chili's always had one of the best cheese sticks you could get.  They were in my Top Five - a place I always ordered them.  I asked why they dropped them. The guy answered that Chili's had made a corporate decision to only stock items in the kitchen that could be used in multiple menu items - so they got rid of them.  (Although they kept Southwestern Egg Rolls.  Kind of weird.)

So, a lot of these restaurants are not going to stock chicken to offer as a meal item.  It isn't exciting.  And it can't be used multiple ways.  I always think, "Well, you can use it as the meat in an entree, as a topping on a salad, and as a sandwich.  That's THREE menu items."  But, they don't really care what I think.  Do an experiment.  Check your local Italian places.  How many of them have anything that involves chicken?  I would wager that 75% of the time, they won't have anything.  They will have wings.  Sometimes they will have a salad with chicken (usually precooked and dumped on).  But they won't have chicken dishes.  Really odd.  I mean, the Olive Garden - which we know is THE authority on authentic Italian food - has a ton of chicken dishes.  So does Carrabba's - the other genuine Italian place. (I am being completely sarcastic about both of those - just to clarify.)

This kind of lays out our chicken dilemma.  Each class of restaurants has a different approach to chicken.  And it seems like none of them benefit us.  Fast food places, the cheapest and most accessible restaurants, seem to have grilled chicken dishes.  But, as a rule of thumb, they are horrible.  Their fried chicken patties are vastly superior - but their grilled chicken items are lousy.  I would hate to see the chickens these things came from.  McDonalds, which has two different fried chicken offerings, has a pathetic grilled chicken patty.  It is better than BK.  The King has a huge tendercrisp fried chicken.  But their Tendergrill is coated with weirdness.  (A disturbing trend among these places that is usually missed because the coating soaks into the bread.  It only stands out on the salad.)  Wendy's - who has nuggets, boneless wings, a great fried chicken patty, and tons of salads - has a measly grilled chicken that, again, has that weird salty bouillon coating on it.  Arby's doesn't even have grilled chicken.  It has amazing fried chicken sandwiches, but if you don't want that you are stuck with sliced roasted chicken deli meat.  Checkers doesn't even bother with the masquerade of caring.  I don't believe Hardee's does either.

What's really disappointing is the chicken places out there.  KFC has this highly touted grilled chicken now.  It supposedly is amazing.  Uh, no.  It is horrible.  It is dry and salty  - like a chicken jerky.  Seriously, it takes like it was dehydrated.  The breast pieces are so small - I think they actually came off of a pigeon.  Popeye's, my favorite chicken place, doesn't even have grilled chicken.  That's really too bad, because they would probably do a great job.  Chick Fil A - the king of chicken places - has grilled chicken.  And, admittedly, it is far superior to most places.  But you need one and half servings of it to make a legitimate meal.  Subway's roasted chicken, when taken off the bun and eaten independent of cheese and other goodies, is absolutely horrible.  It is bland and full of water.  I ordered double meat one day and was starving within an hour.

The next class of restaurant - the "family dining establishment" - has a very checkered list of options.  Most of these places have at least one chicken dish, but it usually is smothered with bbq sauce or cheese or bacon or some glorious combination of all of that.  That is one thing I have learned.  If you make inadequate chicken, drown it with accessories.  These places sometimes will have a more simple chicken meal - like Applebee's on their Weight Watchers menu or Chili's on their Guiltless Gutless lineup.  But, as memory serves, those offerings are some combination of dry or salty or bland or tiny.  Sometimes you manage to actually get a piece that is dry, bland, and salty.  How is that possible?  Italian places usually fall into this category, and as we discussed, many of them have absolutely nothing to offer.  Now, there is also the plentiful offerings of wings at these places.  They all seem to have some variation of buffalo wings.  But, as I discussed the other day on Darth Fatso, wings are almost always fried and smothered in some sort of sauce.  So that isn't real chicken, it is just a conduit for fat.

[One exception to this class is the meat place - BBQ, Boston Market, stuff like that.  They have chicken. It is often good.  But it is almost always on the bone.  I hate eating chicken off the bone.  But, when I have to, I make do.]

You have to jump into the more expensive restaurants before you find a more consistent approach to chicken.  Olive Garden, which is the most overpriced restaurant on the planet, actually had tremendous chicken.  It is always flavorful and well cooked.  Carrabba's has even better chicken.  I wish I knew how to make my chicken taste like theirs.  It doesn't matter what sauce or pasta comes with it - their chicken is just phenomenal.  Steakhouses usually have amazing chicken.  In fact, as a rule of thumb, I have always preferred ordering chicken or fish at a steak place.  Long Horn has the usual "chicken covered with stuff I can't eat" dish.  But they also have Sierra Chicken, which is grilled with bruschetta style tomatoes on top.  It is amazing.  Ted's Montana Grill has multiple chicken options that are wonderful - but I never order them because I can't pass up bison.  Outback's chicken is just their steaks - good, overpriced, and nowhere near deserving the hype.  If you want to go big time, I remember ordering chicken at Morton's Steakhouse before.  (Don't ask.  It wasn't my finest moment.)  It was unbelievable - although it cost like twenty bucks.

I still don't understand why it is so hard for places to do chicken well.  There are very few places that I would say make really good non-fried chicken.  In Tallahassee, the Red Elephant Grill makes some delicious bird.  You can pick one of four different sauces for it - which they don't drown the meat in.  It is succulent and well cooked.  I remember that Grady's American Grill had the consistently best chicken I ever ordered.  We used to eat there in Tampa (Brandon, actually) all the time.  It didn't matter which variation of chicken, either.  Their secret was the marinade.  I wish I had been able to score that marinade before the chain died.  Mimi's Cafe does some great stuff with chicken also.  And they give you huge portions of it.  But, for the most part, if you want good chicken at a restaurant, you have to pay a premium for it.  That just seems backwards.  If this is such a cheap and versatile commodity, I would think places would easily master it.  You know, how so many places have good burgers?  Why couldn't they also have good chicken, instead of relying on Sysco brand bird meat?

Over the last year, I have become a master of chicken.  I can make it several different ways, with several different tastes, using several different techniques.  Usually, I pan sear it and then cover the lid to steam it as well.  It keep it very juicy, but allows for a lot of flexibility with the spices.  I recently learned how to use a grill pan with it.  I put it on there to give it grilled flavors, and then throw the whole pan in the oven to finish it.  Sometimes, I'll marinate it first.  Sometimes I'll dry season it.  Sometimes we'll use the crock pot or even oven cook it.  (How quaint.)  I guess that actually kind of best communicates the lesson I've learned about food through my recent experiences.  You can usually make the stuff better, cheaper, and easier than a restaurant.  So, do it yourself.

Missing the Target

We've been up here in Tallahassee for about two months now. (And I know that many of you hordes of readers are actually north of Florida, so Tallahassee is still "down there" to you. But it's all relative.) Most of the time when we talk to people about what we are doing, we get asked "How's Tallahassee?" Well, unless they are University of Florida fans. Then they ask "MMmff mfmfmmm brrbllglgl?" Then I have to remind them to take their heads out of their rear ends and when they do, they ask something witty like, "What is it like living in hell?" And then they laugh at how awesome they are and run off to convince themselves that Urban Meyer would never play them like he played Bowling Green and Utah. [Boy, I am going to pay for that. But it was worth it.]

Where was I? Oh yeah. How is Tallahassee? It is strange, moving to a new place. I remember that one of the most disturbing things about moving to Jacksonville from Tampa was that there are no 7-11 stores there. I mean, it didn't really affect my life 355 days a year. But on those few days when I wanted a Slurpee, then I had to go find someone who sold the far inferior ICEEs. And they you had to choose from Cherry or Coke - as opposed to the six flavors most 7-11 stores have. There are things like that. I'm sure anyone who has moved can understand.

Things are definitely different. I mentioned in an earlier, far superior post about the new restaurants up here. That is a good change - having new cool places to eat on those rare occasions that we don't dine at Casa Del Staples. It is also neat to have hills - which the flatlands of south and central Florida don't offer. I also like the promise that cooler weather will be coming in just a few months. The thought of having three seasons instead of two is very attractive. (I've heard there is a fourth season, but that seems too magical - like unicorns or fairies or affordable health care.)

Some things I don't like up here? Sure, there are some. I find it strange to have two major football programs in the same city. I don't like the way the roads are laid out. I don't like the near-cult status that Chick-Fil-A has up here - with their drive thru lines so long they hinder traffic. Oh yeah, that reminds me, I don't like the traffic. I know, some of you are wondering how someone who has lived in West Palm Beach, Orlando, and Tampa could dare question the traffic of any place East of California. But the traffic here is different. I am used to Florida traffic. That is where everyone drives about ten miles over the speed limit, the speed limit on most major (non-interstate) roads is 45 mph, no one uses their blinkers or heaters, and you take your life into your hands every time you get in the car. (California traffic is like this, except played double speed.) Stop lights cycle every 30 seconds. You just go faster. Here? Uh, it is sloooooow. The speed limits are usually 35 - even on main roads. The lights take 2-3 minutes to cycle. People still don't know where they are going, but they are slow about it. Yesterday, it took me 30 minutes to get from Heather's class to our apartment after lunch. You know how far that is? 3.5 miles. Nope, you read that correct. That means I averaged 7 miles an hour. Amazing.

Another thing I don't like is the storms. What's that? Yes, I did live in Tampa - the lightning capital of the world. And, yes, I lived in Orlando, hurricane magnet of 2004. Those places it seemed like there was a pattern. Every afternoon it would storm. You just kind of felt it. But the storms here are weird. They just kind of blow in out of nowhere and are violent. Four different times in two months there have been storms that were so ugly that FSU sent out a text message to all their students to take cover. Our second week here a tornado took out the roof of an elementary school about a mile down the road. Two weeks ago a storm hit on the corner right by our apartment. It took the roof off a Toys R Us and threw its air conditioner unit about 500 feet into a KMart parking lot. This, however, was NOT a tornado. It was random 85 mph winds. Random 85 mph winds? What the what? That's crazy. NOT a big fan of that.

But the biggest thing I have had trouble dealing with is the Target/Walmart situation. Every other place I have lived, it was simple. Walmart was terrible. It was dirty. It was cheap and nasty. The people who shopped there scared you frequently. The people who worked there scared you even more, and usually were grossly incompetent. A new store could open and within two days look just like an old one. You would go there if you HAD to, like it was 1am and you wanted to toilet paper someone's house. Target, on the other hand, was cool. It was clean and hip. It had Starbucks. You would run into people you knew almost every time you went. The employees were generally nice - and you might even know some of them. You would go there to kill time. And Super Target was amazing. You could easier kill a couple hours in a Super Target.

Here it is not the same case. First of all, there are like thirty Walmarts around town. I really think there are more of them than gas stations. Don't believe me? Drive around the capital area trying to find a gas station when your fuel light is on. The stores still aren't the cleanest or nicest, but they are a far cry from their counterparts further south. It is one of your regular shopping places. I know there have been times when I'm like, "I need milk, apples, juice boxes, and an iPod charger. Let's go to Walmart." It has become a part of life - and it seems like that is the way it is for everyone up here. To many people, it is their main grocery store. (I still go to Publix for that. I'll never abandon Publix. You will have to take that free cookie out of my cold dead hand.) You don't avoid Walmart, or go there afraid of getting mugged or catching hepatitis. It is just a normal store.

And the Target? Well, it is like Bizarro Target. There are very few of them - no Super Targets. So that stinks right off the bat. The store itself is terrible. There are almost always empty spots on the shelves. The employees are rude and very odd. The worst experiences have come in the food area. Sometimes when I take the kids to Target, we eat there because it is cheap and fast. But, every time we have gone - literally every single time - they have been out of something we ordered. I don't think they have ever had macaroni and cheese. They usually are out of pizza, and the ones they have are either buffalo chicken or have been out since yesterday. At least one ICEE machine is always broken. The employees are rude and so incompetent. One day, they didn't have pizza. So there was a family who were waiting the "7-8 minutes" until they would be ready. Once they got done cooking, the person behind the counter put them out on the sale rack - despite telling three other people they didn't have any coming out. Naturally, they got snapped up in about a minute by new customers. So they had to put more in for the first family. Finally - after I would guess was a wait of 15-20 minutes - they got their pizza. "Sorry for the wait," was the only thing offered by the employees. The mom was simmering with rage. "What's the matter? Did the other get 'accidentally sold' or something?" "No, I don't think so, they just took longer." Wow. At the same time, the girl behind the counter sold a lady in a hurry a hot dog and told her to wait for it to finish - but didn't tell her it would be another TEN MINUTES! How does it take ten minutes to cook a hot dog? I can microwave one in 30 seconds. I think that same day was the day they only had small cups in stock.

It is kind of a shock to see something like this. You just get used to certain things in life. You can always count on things being a certain way. Kohls is always going to initially tag their stuff way too expensive so they can mark it down. Sports Authority is always going stretch the definition of "authority" with their pathetic inventory. Lifeway and Family Christian Stores are always going to overprice their stuff to the point you wonder why you even bother going in there instead of just ordering from Amazon right away. Winn Dixie is always going to make you wonder how it is still in business. And Walmart is always supposed to awful and Target is always supposed to be cool. To see things turned upside down is very disconcerting. It makes you wonder what else will be upside down. Will Burger King remember to put all the items in your bag at the Drive Thru? Will Dominos make pizza on real crust instead of recycled cardboard? Will Pizza Hut stop injecting their pan pizza crust with a cup of oil? Will Bobby Bowden actually participate in team activities? (Nah, some things are just too far fetched.)

**FROM THE EDITOR: This post is strictly for entertainment purposes. The assertions made by the author were for humorous effect. They were wild generalizations. We understand that not all Walmarts are like this. And we know that any of you who work at Walmart are not necessarily carrying Hepatitis. And we also know that just because you work at Target, it does not mean you are nice and/or competent - or Hepatitis free. Thank you all for your understanding.

Angus Wars

As a concerned citizen and awesome blogging force, I feel that when there is a matter of great importance and divisiveness, I must weigh in. That is why I have in the past, delivered my hard-hitting views on such firestorms as Michael Vick and Mel Gibson and Mike Hucakbee and other things that start with the letter M. Well today I realized that there is a full-scaled battle on our hands, and I need to put in my two cents. Of course, I am talking about the fast food battle for Angus Burger supremacy.

In case you have noticed, over the last few years, the Angus brand of beef has become synonymous with "excellent mediocrity" in our country. It began as a chain of restaurants with a confusing name, that when mispronounced (accidentally or on purpose) would bring a quick rebuke from parental figures. At least that is where I first heard of it. Apparently, there is a type of cattle called an Angus. It is claimed that this breed has a higher quality of meat than the regular old run of the mill cow. This claim is backed up by much marketing and trumpeting by the American Angus Association - an impartial observer if I ever saw one. I mean, if the American Angus Association can't be trusted when it comes to the quality of the Angus cow, who can?

Well, the Angus ranchers all got together and started pushing for restaurants to use this special brand of cattle as a kind of "upscale" meat - a truly special burger. The first major chain to jump up was Burger King. They introduced their Angus burger in 2004. (Dates verified by the source of all valid knowledge - wikipedia.) This is pretty normal, if you think about it. From what I can recall, any time that there has been a whirling dervish amongst the fast food places, it began with Burger King. They are the one who always tries everything first. I'm not kidding. They come up with a totally wild scheme, and before you know it the others come following along. You would think the number one fast food joint would be the trendsetter, but it is actually the #2 guy. You know those "BK Shots" they just came out with (mini burgers)? Hardee's/Carl Jr.'s already has their version now. We've seen it happen with spicy chicken sandwiches already. Trust me on this.

So, BK comes out with their Angus burger. This was followed by Hardee's/Carl Jr.'s and Krystal (yes, Krystal). I believe that Jack in the Box and Checkers/Rally's has had their own version also. And now McDonald's has lined up as well with their Angus offerings. Wendy's is the only hold out. But they are weird and march to their own drummer. They serve square burgers, for God's sake! Like they matter. The battle lines have been drawn. And the Angus War is on.

Does it matter? Are these burgers truly worth the expense, the inevitable hurt feelings when brother is pitted against brother for their favorite? What we need is someone to step up and volunteer to make an impartial decision over which burger is the best. The most impartial and fair group I know in this matter is, obviously, the American Angus Association. But they won't answer my emails - probably due to the fear of what the harsh light of this evaluation will reveal. So, we need someone who has little regard for their health or their pride to volunteer to make this call for us. We need someone so stupid, so susceptible to marketing schemes that they actually would have tried ALL of these burgers. I am the man for this job.

BURGER KING - XL BURGER

The first out of the gate is Burger King. Their Angus burger has been out so long it has already had three different names. The basic premise here is the same as with all the chains - a higher quality and bigger burger. It is 1/3 pound instead of the measly 1/4 pound of the Whopper. What does this tell us? Only fat people want better quality meat! You can order your Angus BK burger three ways. You have a deluxe version with lettuce, tomato, various liquid condiments, cheese. Then there is the Bacon and Three Cheese version. And there is the Mushroom and Swiss version. (There are also some other variations that have been abandoned already.) Their burger is big, and messy. I have tried the Bacon/3 Cheese. It is good - has a lot of flavors going on. The bun is some kind of split top thing - decent I think. The huge quantity of cheese dwarfs the lettuce and tomato - quickly turning the leafy veggie into green wet paper. Mmmm. The meat does not taste the same, for sure, as BK's usual offerings. It has a little different taste. Hard to put your finger on, but I think the word that most describes it is "filler." I swear it tastes like there is oatmeal or gym mats mixed in with the meat. Something non-animal for sure. It has the characteristic BK carcinogen taste. And, as always, you enjoy a BK burger for hours afterwards every time you burp. I would give it 3 horns out of 5.

KRYSTAL - B.A. BURGER

I know, the thought of this tiny burger establishment parading out a big butt burger is weird. There are so many questions. Why, in the name of God, would you venture away from tiny food? Why did you abandon the fusion of meat and grease and bun? Why did you name it after Mr. T. in the A Team? The only question I care about is "Is it any good?" The difference between a normal Krystal burger and the B.A. Burger is startling. Whereas the Krystal burger tastes like a grease soaked sponge in between a dinner roll, the B.A. tastes like a real meat burger. I think that this inflates the apparent quality of the B.A. It does not taste as filler-dependent as BK. It only comes adorned with cheese, lettuce, tomato, and condiments. It doesn't strike me as higher quality per se, just higher quality than Krystal's usual offering. But face it, a horse patty would also qualify for that judgement. 3 1/2 horns out of 5.

HARDEE'S - BLACK ANGUS THICKBURGER

I am one of those people who believe that Hardee's is always under-appreciated. In my honest, expert, obese opinion, Hardee's is one of the best tasting fast food places. However, this taste is offset by their absolutely mind-boggling lack of customer service. Whether it is an employee at a Jacksonville locale throwing a cup of hot oil at a customer or a Seffner cook handing four strips of bacon with his bare hands over the back counter to the cashier to hand to a customer, Hardee's has a rap sheet a mile long. But is their burger good? Yes, it is. Hardee's has mastered the art of selling the higher level burgers. In fact, it is possible that all of their burgers are now considered "upscale." The Angus burger is loaded with the usual high end fixings. And it is huge. This brings up one of the common Angus burger trends. One of the big differences between the Angus offerings and their boring counterparts is that the Angus patties seem to have less difference between "precooked weight" and "What you get weight." Even though the ounce difference between a quarter pounder and third pound Angus is only 1.5 ounces, it feels like more. That quarter pounder loses a lot of weight due to the loss of ounces due to shrinkage. The Angus seems less susceptible to this. So there is more to eat. Of course, this also brings up the other common quality. These Angus burgers are always dry. The smaller amount of grease and fat and paste in the Angus burger means that the finished product is not as moist. Hardee's burgers all have that problem - very dry. And they have a lot of that gym mat filler taste. Score 3 1/2 out of 5 stars.

McDONALD's - ANGUS BURGER

Mickey D was the last to hop on the Angus train. But there they are with the same three offerings as BK, basically. Well, except their bacon and cheese version only has two slices of cheese and not three kinds. The bun is a fancier sesame seed option. McD has never been good at innovation - that is its blessing and curse. Remember the Arch Deluxe and those high end sandwiches? (Which, by the way, the Arch Deluxe was AWESOME. Allen Turner and I ate dozens of those - half for free using coupons.) These buns remind me of those. No, literally, I think they used the leftover buns. It was so stale. How could a new burger have stale buns? The burger itself was good. It had a different flavor than the usual McD offerings. Again, less horse makes for a new taste. But it fell victim to the typical dry, filler taste that the other Angus products are crippled with. The bacon was pathetic - it looked like four small pieces, which ended up being two medium pieces folded in half. It didn't look or taste special. By the end, I was wishing it had lost some of its weight so I had less to eat. 2 1/2 out of 5 horns.

So, the battle ends with no clear winner. None of the Angus burgers were worth the higher cost that comes with them. They all were dry and tasted like they were fortified with batting or porridge. Maybe this is the "superior quality" that the American Angus Association is raving about. To me, it isn't working. Last night I made burgers at home. They were pre-made 90/10 patties from Sam's Club's fresh meat section. Each one of them was about 1/3 of a pound. The four burgers cost me about 3 bucks total for the meat. I seasoned them with pepper and salt. And I pan fried them in a covered pan. They were awesome. They were juicy and tasty. They didn't taste like carpet. I used Publix buns and cheese and pre-cooked bacon. Basically, they were the most basic thing I could do. And they blew the high end Angus burgers out of the water. What does that tell you? It tells me that this whole Angus marketing thing is a bunch of baloney. But, it is Angus certified, high quality baloney.