Mar 24, 2008

10,000 BC: Unifying the Country in Times of Trouble

I just posted this on my Rotten Tomatoes site, but I liked it so I am putting it up here too.

America is a place of conflict. There appears to be a divide on nearly every issue. Left Wing vs Right Wing. Liberal vs. Conservative. Clinton vs. Obama. Evolution vs. Intelligent Design. Religious vs. Non Religious. Movie Fans vs. Casual Moviegoers. Red Sox vs. Yankees. Duke vs. UNC. Star Trek vs. Star Wars. History Lovers vs. Those Doomed to Repeat It. But I am pleased to announce that there is a peacemaker on the horizon. It is something that can bring everyone together in a common cause - hatred of the movie 10,000 BC.

It is a rare movie that is so unifying. I saw the movie with a group of guys of all types and sorts. And it was only a few minutes until everyone was lifting up in chorus, "Huh?" Personally, I am was a History Major in college. And I was just amazed at the complete disregard for history. And that was what made this movie so amazing. It wasn't even entertainingly awful - where it becomes a cult classic due to its idiocy. Instead, it was just dumb. I shouldn't have been surprised, considering it was by the same people who brought us Godzilla and Day After Tomorrow.

So to be an equal-opportunity reviewer, I want to explain why people from several groups would hate the movie before I get into my own quibbles.

THE EVOLUTIONIST: The movie depicts hunter/gatherer humans as building bridges and civilizations. These are not unintelligent pre-humans. They are humans who have not discovered hair care products. (Although they have discovered dental care.) Also, there are several animals shown that are usually classified as pre-human (Mammoth, Saber Tooth Tiger, Big Butt Ostriches That Look Like Feathered Raptors). Plus, all of this is supposed only 12,000 years ago instead of much earlier.

THE CREATIONIST: The movie has all of this happening 12,000 years ago. Most Intelligent Designers believe the Earth is only about 8,000 years old. Also, there has to be some kind of Pangaea going on, what with the bizarre climates portrayed. That probably was decimated by the Flood. Yet the Egyptians civilization is already in full swing, which is long after the Flood.

THE HISTORIAN: When exactly was the massive slave uprising in Egypt? When was the Pharoah killed by a slave? The Egyptians built bridges? And used mammoths to build pyramids? And they were Indian? And the Pharoah was an albino?

THE GEOGRAPHER: The main character went in search of his love. His journey took him through the following climates (in order). Plains - Snowy Plains - Snowy High Mountains - Jungle - Savannah - Arid Grassland - Massive Desert - Desert Next to Great Winding River. How exactly did that happen? Where could he possibly have left from and gone through to go that way? And he ran into natives in each area. Those were, in order: Native American (sort of) - African Tribal - Ancient South American Tribal - More African Tribal - More Egyptian (who looked like they were from India).

THE PHYSICIST: Ignoring all of the ridiculous things about how they moved so fast across an area that was the size of a continent, and the impossibilities of so many other things, the Physicist would have to throw his hands up over the amazing spear-throwing skills of the main character. First, he chucked a spear at a spy on a sand dune. The thing must have flown the length of a football field. Of course, it killed him. Then, later on, he was facing the Pharoah, who was standing at the top of the stairs leading into his massive temple/house. He chucks the spear UP THE STAIRS. It carries the entire length and then nails the dude in the chest. It wasn't and arcing throw or anything. Straight shot that suffered nothing from gravity. Amazing.

THE SELF RESPECTING MOVIE WATCHER (me): I know that some of this seems like harping. And the producers and directors have said that the movie was not meant to be accurate. It was just supposed to be entertaining. Well, they missed on both. There were not incredible action scenes or sweeping battle scenes. A couple things were cool (stampeding mammoths, fleet of boats, wacko makeup). The CG animals (except for the mammoths) were completely unbelievable. The birds and tiger looked so fake. And the logic was just ridiculous. I don't want to be a person that splits hairs and picks apart little details in movies (well, yes I do). But this is one of those cases where the stuff was so unbelievable and crazy that you can't even focus on the story -- especially when the story and the acting and the movie as a whole are not worth that leap. I love superhero movies, where logic is not invited to the party. But the movie itself is cool enough to allow for that allowance. This movie was NOT worth that level of goodwill. Instead, it deserved to be mocked and ridiculed by everyone, everywhere. It takes a true effort to be that bad. Way to GO!

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