Cars 2

As any of the millions of readers of this blog can attest, I am a huge Pixar fan.  I frequently bemoan their lack of respect when it comes to the Oscars.  I consider them some of our greatest modern artists.  I also have raved about their story telling.  I have even ranked all the Pixar movies - just so you can have a handy authoritative guide on Pixar.  Even though I used to go to anys. movie that came out, finances and three kids have made that an impossibility now.  I frequently miss even movies I really want to see.  But, I never miss a Pixar movie.  [The fact that Disney almost pays you go to their movies now through promotional tie-ins certainly doesn't hurt.]

Cars 2 has now entered the Pixar universe.  Obviously, we were going.  I really liked the first movie.  My oldest son was a huge fan of the franchise and owned a bunch of the cars and tracks.  My youngest son has now discovered his older brother's cache of cars and is a fan himself.  All three kids have been waiting for the movie to come out.  And we had two free tickets.  In the words of Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber, "We're there."

I had heard some negative reviews of Cars 2.  That was a shock in and of itself.  Pixar movies don't get negative reviews.  They are bullet proof.  It wasn't going to stop us from going, but I was a big concerned.  Then I read a very interesting article on the Orlando Sentinel, of all places.  And it was written by Roger Moore, of all people.  I have usually felt Moore's movie reviews were useful for lining bird cages and not much else.  (Since I only read the electronic version of his reviews, I obviously meant lining Angry Bird cages.)  But, recently, I have noticed his commenting on the movie industry in general is vastly superior to his movie reviewing.  He talked about the "retroactive movie review."  This is where a critic rips into a movie that becomes a big hit, or overly praising a dog meat movie.  They usually will rectify this by going too far the OTHER way with a sequel.  His example was Siskel and Ebert ripping into Ace Ventura when it came out.  It was a runaway blockbuster.  So, they actually praised the idiotic sequel - even though it really sucked (even when considering it was a Jim Carrey movie).  It is the movie equivalent of basketball's "make up call."

The original Cars movie was overrated.  I was guilty of that.  It was undeniably gorgeous.  But it was a little boring, especially to kids.  And it was not very original.  I commented at the time that its plot was basically a retelling of Michael J Fox's Doc Hollywood - a movie no one is considering rebooting.  When I made my list of Pixar movies, it was last.  Admittedly, that is not necessarily an insult, since the worst Pixar movie is better than the best most other studios have to offer.  It was an adult movie masquerading as a kids' movie.  Kids don't understand the message of "take it slow and enjoy the ride."  They are too busy making life seem like it racing by.  So, according to Moore's theory, this attack by the critics was to make up for lavishing too much praise on the original film.

I don't know if Moore is right or not.  Personally, I think he has some validity.  Cars became a runaway hit NOT because of the movie itself.  Rather, it was because of the merchandise tie-ins.  It was the most licensed movie ever when it came out.  And those licensed toys made a fortune.  The little metal toy versions of the Cars characters were brilliant.  They created a third line of toy cars - right along side Matchbox and Hot Wheels.  And the sheer brilliance of it was that, while a Matchbox car costs 97 cents, a Cars car cost four bucks.  My son had tons of these cars.  You looked for the rare ones.  And they kept bringing them out.  There was regular McQueen, dirt track McQueen, tongue out McQueen, Radiator Springs McQueen, Dinoco McQueen.  They did the same thing with Ramone (available in just about every color) and Mater.  Then they brought out the "World of Cars" line and put the characters in different places.

Disney also realized that kids liked the Mater character way more than the Lightning McQueen character.  They liked the concept of McQueen.  But he was the straight man to the wild and crazy Mater.  You began to see more toys focusing on Mater.  It was a case of the sidekick superseding the star.  Pixar is far from stupid - they know where the money is.  They put out a line of shorts on Disney called Mater's Tall Tales - which spun into its own DVD and toy line.  Kids loved everything about Cars - except Cars itself.

So the second movie had a specific goal.  I know this had to be true.  They wanted to entertain the kids.  This was not going to be the well written, artistic home runs like some Pixar movies.  The last four films all could have earned Best Picture Oscars (Ratatouille, Wall-E, Up, Toy Story 3).  This was going to be an action-packed, comedy-filled, fun kids-magnet movie.  And on that front, they nailed it.  I remember taking Josiah to Cars and realizing that he zoned out for vast stretches of the Radiator Springs section.  When he watched the DVD, he would get really into the beginning and end.  Most of the middle he would go back and act out the beginning.  Gabe has been the same way.  He'll watch the first thirty minutes and then wander off or ask to watch Veggie Tales.

Last night, kids were engaged in the movie.  There was action and silliness.  There were four different racing scenes.  There was lots and lots of Mater.  It was everything the kids loved about the Cars universe with little of the adult navel gazing.  The "message" of the movie was even more kid friendly - love your friends just like they are.  Kids don't read movie reviews.  They see toys and cereal boxes and posters.  And so Disney got just what they wanted.  They reinforced a brand that was already very strong.  If possible, they made it even MORE kid friendly.  There are now more characters to spin adventures off from, more licensed products, more money.  And my oldest son walked out of the theater wondering when Cars 3 would be released.

It was far from original.  I think the whole alternative fuel plot may have actually been stolen from Quantum of Solace.  What was original was the amazing visuals.  They were incredible.  The scenes in Europe looks so realistic they were almost like photos.  The rolling waves in the opening were incredibly rendered.  And the way that Pixar worked this action movie around cars was pretty impressive.  I like how they give certain vehicles certain personalities.  The evil submarine/boat looks like sharks.  And I always find it funny how they represent facial hair with fenders and license plates.  (The Russian mobster cars all looked like they had scruffy beards.  The Italian cars had little pencil mustaches.)  And the vocal talent, as usual, was top notch.  My personal favorite was Bruce Campbell popping up as an American spy car - basically playing his Burn Notice "Sam Axe" character in car form.

The movie was fun.  It wasn't ground breaking or Oscar worthy.  But it was fun and exciting.  The kids will want to watch it again on DVD when it comes out.  Gabe and Josiah have already begun asking for the new cars and Lego sets.  It seems like Disney and Pixar accomplished their goals.  When a really respected actor makes some blockbuster movie with little artistic merit (Ben Kingsley in Prince of Persia, for example), they often will say, "I have to pay the bills.  I make these movies so I can make those other movies."  This was a bill paying movie for Pixar.

FERRET FIVE: Store Credit Cards

I have been trying to come up with an idea to generate some more posts.  I don't always have something thoughtful to say.  But I still want to waste your time with my useless opinions.  So I have a dilemma - come up with some half thought out post (which usually never makes it to posting) or not write at all.  My solution?  To add a new Subject Identifying Disc.  I am calling it the Ferret Five.  It is like a Top Five list, except adapted with my bizarre affiliation with the ferret.  (Some day I really need to explain that on this blog.  Good idea for later...)  The Ferret Five will be a quick little list about something that hits me - usually in the car or the shower.  Top Five lists are harder than you think.  Usually I get to #3 pretty well, and then struggle to get the last two.  So, while this may appear to be useless garbage, it actually took at least as much thought as my defense of Mike Vick.  (How'd that work out?  I managed to jinx both the Saints AND Eagles.  Good on ya.)

Here's my first list - the worst store credit cards to have.  I'm not talking about the danger of having credit cards in general.  This is a question of what store card would be the most dangerous for you to have?  I remember back when I was in high school and was looking for a job.  There was a Warner Brothers store in the Palm Beach Gardens mall.  I loved the store and they were hiring.  But my mom wouldn't let me work there.  She told me that she was afraid that I would spend too much of my income there on Batman paraphernalia.  She was probably right.  That is the kind of thing I'm talking about.  If you had a card for a store, what would be the most dangerous?  I did not count stores that have Visa or MasterCard partnerships - like the Amazon Visa or Borders Visa.  You can use those at other stores.  I'm looking at ones that can only be used in one store.  [Side Note: I don't have any of these cards.  I have had some cards in the past.  Now, I have none.  And I plan to keep it that way.  I'm not a Dave Ramsey acolyte or anything.  I'm an idiot.  And you wouldn't give an idiot a loaded weapon, would you?]

1. THE APPLE STORE CARD:  Was there really any doubt?  There are two Apple store options.  One is a regular store card.  The other has iTunes rewards with it.  Are you kidding me?  I wouldn't touch this card with a ten foot pole.  I survived working there without buying (too much) stuff.  But if I had a card there?  Good grief - the temptation would just be overwhelming.  The only redeeming element is that there isn't an Apple store in Tallahassee.  You may think this is crazy.  But I can tell you the truth - I can always find something to buy in the Apple store.  Mini speakers.  Software.  New iPhone case.  iTunes cards.  Gigantor iMac.  It never ends.

2. BEST BUY CARD:  I used to have one of these back in college.  Without a doubt it was a monstrous pitfall.  It would easily be number one, if not for Apple.  In some ways, it is even more dangerous than the Apple card because they carry DVDs and video games and cords.  (What?  You know how tempting cords are?  I don't know why, but there are many times I just wander through the cords and think about what they do and how it would be fun to have those.  Okay, I'm weird.)  Plus they have a lot of Apple stuff.  The thing that separates this and Apple is that most of the tantalizing things at Best Buy are cheaper and add up over time.  The Apple one just blindsides you.

3. TARGET CARD:  Ahhh, Target.  Who among us have not wandered into thine automatic doors and walked out having spent a hundred bucks on God knows what?  Target just sneaks up on you.  You're trying to kill time and you stroll up and down the aisles.  Things just magically jump into your cart.  "Ooooo.  This $4 shirt would look nice on Gabe."  Then you stroll over to toys.  "Hey.  This doll is 30% off."  You pass by DVDs.  "Are you serious?  The COMBO PACK is only $15?"  Before you know it, you've been laid waste once again.  I feel even more vulnerable at Target than Walmart.  At Walmart I have my defenses up.  I know they are going to try to trick me.  They have all these falling prices.  But I usually am immune to most of them.  Target, though, always seems to get me.  Maybe it's the Starbucks or the pretty artwork.  Having card there would just be a disaster.

4. MEN'S WEARHOUSE CARD:  "You're gonna like the way you look.  I guarantee it."  With that gravelly voice, it is like he's threatening you.  "You are going to come in here and you are going to like the way you look and then it's all over, buster."  I actually went into one of these stores and got some stuff for a wedding I was attending.  The problem is that they have really nice stuff - you know, for off the rack commoner clothes.  It is very easy to see yourself in these things and looking sharp.  They have great sales staff, mirrors everywhere, and very tantalizing sales.  The problem is, the stuff is so stinking expensive.  You're trying on a suit, thinking you look sharp.  They aren't mentioning the price.  You casually look at the tag.  "More than you're worth," is what it says.  "Like more than what I would get selling your body on the black market for parts."  And they have all these options - jackets, sweaters, shirts, pants, shoes, socks.  They'll deck you out.  One sweater I tried on was amazing.  It looked so nice and felt like it was woven from angel wings.  Three hundred bucks.  For a sweater.  Sheesh.  You won't be able to afford food for a month, but you'll look nice living in your box.

5. DILLARDS CARD:  Very similar problem to #4.  But they are more sneaky.  They always have stuff on sale.  Now, there are times when it is just about impossible to refuse their deals.  When the winter clothes go off the racks, they'll drop the price.  25% off.  About a month later, 50% off.  Then 75% off.  And then, there are times you'll hit it right and they'll be running some crazy "75% off and an additional 25% off and basically we have to get something for this shirt.  We're just saving face."  They do the same thing when the line switches from summer.  I cannot even count how many shirts I have gotten at Dillards on these sales.  I'm pretty sure every embroidered Defender Ministries shirts I've even owned was purchased this way.  That is the benefit of Dillards.  The catch is that all those $9 sweaters and $7.50 shirts add up.  And sometimes you only get them on the 30% sale.  You get nervous that all the good sizes will be gone, so you jump.  Plus, they sell lots of other stuff - like dresses and china and Christmas ornaments.  They run great sales.  Taking advantage once or twice is great.  But eventually it all adds up.  It's like the Tribbles of credit cards.

HONORABLE MENTION:  
Kohls - The trickiest store out there.  Jack up your prices so you can always run sales.  But, man, can they be tantalizing.
Kay Jewelers - You'll always have a way to buy a present for your wife.  And then you'll pay on it until the next time you need a present for your wife.
Disney Store - I could probably avoid using this for a long time.  But that one time you wander in there with your guard down...
Any Gas Card - Between the fact each fill up is at least $50 and the fact that you can almost do your grocery shopping at most gas stations now, these suckers are just an invitation for disaster.

What to Do with Jonas

So, I've been trying to figure out what to think of the Jonas Brothers.  

Sure, that may seem like a weird thing to be spending my time worrying about.  But, since our move to Tallahassee and my change of career (to, well, uh, no career), I have way more time to think about useless things.  [Yay!  The blog should be rife with stupidity any day now!]  

It's not like I am obsessed with the Jonas Brothers.  I don't own a single song of theirs.  I don't own any movies or shows they are in.  I just observe the development of the band - well, can you call them a band any more?  They were originally just a confection created by the Disney machine.  That alone should qualify them for a big write-off.  But something happened along the way.  The kids write their own songs, play their own instruments.  They are hugely popular among young girls, teen girls, parents.  And now, they have their own show. 

Ah, the show.  Have you seen the show?  Originally, the thought of watching Jonas: The Show was about as attractive as watching Hippos Gone Wild on Animal Planet.  But one day I got stuck watching as the show came on and my kids were watching.  You know what?  It is funny.  No, seriously.  It is funny.  Not just lame and "tweener Disney contrived funny."  It has some really funny moment - mostly at the self-awareness of just how corny the band itself is on the verge of being at any given moment.  Did you ever watch the Monkees?  I used to watch it when I was growing up.  It was hilarious.  Jonas is in the same vein as the Monkees - and that is a compliment.  

The beauty of the Monkees show was that it was so over the top.  It was just goofy silly, largely poking fun at how ridiculous it was that people were going so insane over bands like the Beatles and other Brit groups.  I remember one show where Davy Jones was given a gig in a movie.  The other guys noticed how he was becoming so egomaniacal, so they tried to sabotage his performance.  At one point, they changed his cue cards.  He looks deep into the eyes of this blond beach bunny.  "I just need to say those three words.  You know, those three little words.  You're Under Arrest."  I laughed so hard at that.  It was just stupid.

I had the same feeling watching the Jonas show.  The episode I saw was about how the band wanted to go outside to get some silly item, but were going to be mobbed by the crowd of adoring fans.  I swear, that was a Monkees episode.  And the guys pulled it off - along with the expected song performances.  

The funniest Jonas appearance I've seen was actually in Night at the Museum 2.  It took me a while to realize it was them.  If you see the movie, pay careful attention to the cupids.  Their performance in those roles didn't just zing themselves, but they actually poked fun at every boy band in the last twenty years.  So, it is apparent that they have natural humor.  And anyone who has listened to any of their music realizes they have some really good musical chops.  And it doesn't hurt that they are attractive, young, and backed by Disney itself.  

So where does this go?  What is their ceiling?  Are they going to be successful separately, or do they have to stick together to win?  Will this be like 'NSync, where there can be only one star surviving?  Will they be relevant once they get to be adults?  This is a question facing all the Disney and Nick stars.  All of them are fighting to keep their Disney ties, while pulling away.  [Entertainment Weekly had a great story on this a couple weeks ago in their magazine.]  I don't know if we have really had a group like this come on the scene.  We've had groups that drew teeny boppers.  Let's not forget the Beatles were once dismissed as a trite youth band, before they had a hugely successful career.  What if the Beatles had Disney behind them?  Where would their career have gone?  Would it have helped or hurt?  

In that case, what if the Monkees had Disney behind them?  They were mildly popular with some big hits, but they didn't have much true talent.  If they actually could play and write well, how would things have been different?  And if they had a huge entertainment entity backing them?  Who knows?  I'm just curious to see what happens with the Jonas clan in the next few years.  Television?  Movies?  Music?  Broadway?  No clue.  Are they the next Baldwin brothers?  The next Estevez/Sheen clan?  Okay, maybe those are poor examples.

Well, I sense that you all are dumber for having read this.  I will do my best to create something more useful and intelligent next time.  But, if you end up paying homage to the Jonas Empire in a few years, don't blame me.  I tried to warn you.  And yooooou didn't listen.