32 Most Obnoxious Things I've Done to Greg Ramer

Todays is my good friend Greg Ramer's birthday. He turns 32. I have mentioned Greg several times over the last few years in ye old blogge. He's a great and generous guy. His blog postings are inspirational. His photography is amazing. We have had lots of fun over the years. But I think the greatest testimony to the faithfulness of Greg Ramer is the fact that he is still my friend. Once you read this list, you too will understand why that is such a big deal. Happy birthday, Greg. This is in honor of you.

32 MOST OBNOXIOUS THINGS I HAVE DONE TO GREG RAMER

1. I instigated a wrestling match between Greg and Melvin McColloch, who ultimately rubbed Greg's face in the carpet.
2. I instigated an incident where Greg crushed Michael Carter's chips. Michael subsequently punched Greg fifty times in the arm.
3. A few years back, Greg told me how a girlfriend (I think they were dating) had ended their relationship. He told me, "Yeah, she doesn't know what she wants." I responded with the following sensitive statement. "She knows she doesn't want you."
4. When I asked Greg to help me learn how to play golf, he was kind enough to really try. I got angrier and angrier at the entire process - and at him for being there. At one point I finally said, "Unless you want this golf club stuck in your forehead, don't come back over here." He complied.
5. I relentlessly ridiculed Greg for his purple truck. He insisted the color was "Radar Blue." I insisted it was purple. This process repeated about 300 times. He hasn't even had this truck for years, and I still bring it up.
6. One time when Greg was arguing with a bunch of people about how his truck was not purple, he said, "It . . . is . . . radar . . . blue." I responded with, "His next truck will be pink. Only then, it won't be pink, it will be Radar Red." That never was lived down.
7. We were driving some people back from Daytona Beach. After dropping them off, we went by the Florida Mall in Orlando. This was after I had graduated from UCF in Orlando. I had spent many days at the Florida Mall. When we got into the Mall, I walked up to a directory and said, "Hey I need to see where this one store is." I stood at that directory for at least 10 minutes just staring. He finally realized what I was doing and walked off, mumbling to himself.
8. His mom makes awesome brownies. She used to have them every time I came to their house. One time there were no brownies. To make up for this, I guilted Greg into making me brownies every time we came to his house. We live down the street now, and when I come in I still say, "No brownies?"
9. One time, I invited Greg to something that required him to come down to Tampa from Tallahassee. I did not realize it was Mother's Day weekend. So he missed Mother's Day. Somehow I got blamed for him missing Mother's Day. Of course, I also will frequently remind him of the time he bailed on his mother - that same mom who was in labor with him for 23 hours.
10. Greg went with me in Tampa to pick up my sister from the airport. On the way back, I really have no idea what happened. He told us he was going to take a shortcut. It took at LEAST 15 minutes longer. From that point on, whenever I would be following him, or if he was giving me directions, I would have to mention, "Don't give me a shortcut" or "don't take any shortcuts" or "Man, that took forever. Was that a shortcut?"
11. This next chunk will be from when we roomed together. We would be watching tv. I always had the remote. We would be watching golf. When a golfer putted, right before the ball went in the cup, I would switch the station. This was irritating.
12. I would frequently turn the tv to the Catholic station and leave it there for long annoying stretches. This was also irritating.
13. I would call the house from my cell phone and impersonate another church member and ask for "Greg Ramer." Our roommate would go and get Greg to get the phone. Then I would bust out laughing. Usually this would happen during Sunday nap.
14. I would sing opera outside of Greg's door. Usually this would happen during Sunday nap.
15. I would set an alarm clock and hide it in the bathroom outside of Greg's door. It would go off and he wouldn't know where it was. Usually this would happen during Sunday nap.
16. I would set random alarms on his clock and cell phone when Greg was not looking.
17. I would take pictures with Greg's phone and set them as his wallpaper. This included one of the inside of my mouth that looked very strange and disturbing.
18. One time, Greg was sitting at his desk. I ran into his room and dove in between the mattress and box spring and then wiggled all the way to farthest point in. I have no idea why I did this. It was just the weirdest thing I could come up with.
19. On April Fools Day, I ran into Greg's room at 6 in the morning, yelling, "Greg get up! The barn is on fire and its spooking the horses!" He sat bolt upright in his bed, then said, "We don't have any horses."
20. I would sit in Greg's car and randomly push all the buttons and change all the dials. Yes, I did this to everyone. But I did it to Greg a lot. I still do, now that I think about it.
21. I used to call Greg when he was out doing deliveries for work. I would ask him where he was taking me for lunch. I really don't know how many lunches I scored - quite a few actually. (I do really feel bad about this thing. Maybe that is subconsciously why I have Greg over for dinner so much - to make up for it.)
22. I sent this card out to over 40,000 homes. I had Greg's permission to use the picture. And ultimately the church did not want to use this campaign - feeling it was insulting. And, really, they were right. But, still. It is kind of funny.
23. When Greg first launched his website, he would change it a lot. A LOT. Except, the content didn't change much - just the layout. And he would ask for feedback. For like two years, I sent him an email through his feedback link. They all were different, but basically said, "Your website sucks." Two years straight.
24. When Greg first launched his photography site, it included an option to book a photo shoot through the site. Under a fake name and email address that I have set up (what? you don't have one?), I sent him a photo request for him to come and spend the weekend at my house and take a series of, um, boudoir shots. And I think I hit on him in the email. Oh, yeah, my fake person was a dude. Greg never replied.
25. I used to call Greg's phone and leave long and obnoxious messages using various accents, pretending to be law enforcement officers, hillbillies, Scottish clansmen. All of these messages lasted for minutes. And they always lasted like 1:05 or 3:07 - just to make sure it cost an extra minute.
26. I would send Greg long, drawn out, pointless emails all the time. They would just ramble and ramble and go off on huge tangents. Sometimes they would have a point; sometimes not. It was always an adventure.
27. Greg worked at a small Christian bookstore. It was not always the first to get new products - or the fifth - or the tenth. After several times asking about new products and hearing, "We don't have that yet," I started to take it to an extreme. "Hey Greg, I was wondering if you guys had anything by this band yet. It's a newer band - so you may not. It is Petra. Heard of it?" or "Hey Greg. There is this book I want. I doubt you guys have it. Do you have Pilgrim's Progress?" This happened about twenty times a year.
28. I think I used this exchange from Tommy Boy about 100 times with Greg. "What? Lots of people take a decade to finish college." "Yeah, they are called doctors." But I am proud he finished!
29. Back before you could port your cell phone number between companies, it seemed that Greg had a new phone number or pager number every three months. He would send out an email about it - and then another email a week later - "I changed my mind. My old number was already taken, so here's my third number within a week." He also changed email addresses frequently. It got to be where he hated telling anyone because he knew he would hear something rude back within twenty minutes from me.
30. I would frequently take my pointer finger and stick it into Greg's food - usually a sandwich. Mostly this was accompanied by, "You gonna eat that?"
31. I introduced Greg to the Wheelhouse burger at Bennigan's. This was a burger that actually had a big circle of fried mozzarella on it. It was amazing. But I think it alone was responsible for taking three years off of both of our lives.
32. A group of us were talking about Matthew McConaughey. Actually, I think we were talking about different famous guys that various girls found attractive. Someone was gushing about McConaughey. Greg, who had been working out and losing a lot of weight, said, "It's okay. It won't be long before I look like him." Without thinking, I said, "Why is McConaughey gaining a bunch of weight for a role?" What made this even worse - besides me making any weight-related comments to anyone - was that it happened this summer. And I thought I had really outgrown making those comments.

Greg - thanks for being such a great friend, and for tolerating me. Even if you mom never enjoyed you as a child, I have enjoyed having you has a friend. Have a super birthday.