Top Ten List: Gabe's Tenth Birthday

In honor of our baby boy, Gabe, turning TEN years old today, here is the TOP TEN THINGS ABOUT GABE!!!  From our home office in Sioux City, Iowa.

1. HE IS SURPRISING
From when we first found out about his impending arrival, Gabe has been a surprise.  We thought we were done with our family. One boy, one girl. Everyone was potty trained.  It was time to get going on the next phase of life.  SURPRISE!  Here's Gabe! From that point, he has kept surprising us.  Kids one and two took after me: dark hair, dark eyes, tallish.  Gabe popped out with blond hair, green eyes, and a shorter stature.  SURPRISE! As he has gotten older, he hasn't ceased to surprise us.  The other day, he was playing Minecraft on his computer and wanted to install a texture pack. (I don't know what it is either; just follow me here) I was in the middle of something, so I told him he would have a to wait a few minutes.  "Oh I know how to do that."  SURPRISE! Sure enough, he came running back in a little later.  "It worked. Thanks." Yep. He downloaded and installed a texture pack into a folder that it took me a good half hour to locate when I was installing some stuff for him. The things he can do on an iPad would impress an Apple Store worker. He has a mechanical and technical mind.  Oh, and math? This kid has always just had a knack for math.  When he was SEVEN, he heard me talking to one of my Kaplan classes and said, "I've always wondered what X meant."  So I explained some rudimentary algebra.  He nods and says, "Ahh that makes sense." Then he punched out several examples. SURPRISE! It is like watching a flower bloom and then bloom again and again - creating something very surprising and intriguing.

2. HE HAS A SWEET TOOTH
Most kids love sweets. Gabe is not most kids.  Most kids are amateurs when it comes to competing with Gabe about sweets. He will weasel his way into a shake or a smoothie or slushie at any restaurant that has them. It used to be, "Well he probably won't even eat his dinner. So it is cheaper for him to just get a shake." Or, "Well he doesn't really like soda, so it should be okay." Now it is just that he wants the shake. He can consume a shocking amount of candy - and he always goes for the bag that has the most. There have been times when we are getting road trip candy where he will stand there for ten minutes, trying to decide what to get based on which bag is bigger. Then he will say, "I really want to get Skittles, but there is more in this Starburst bag. Dad, if I get the smaller Skittles, can I get two things?" Next thing I know, he has his own stash of candy in the car - which he WILL eat before we get where we are going.  AND then he will ask Josiah for some of his because "mine is all gone." Ice cream, popsicles, cookies, cake, pie, hot chocolate. Gabe loves all of them. It is a good thing he didn't get my metabolism, or he would be in bad shape. (A circle.  HAHA. Bad shape - circle? Get it? Never mind.) It is funny how different the kids are with their candy too. So Gabe will eat all of his Christmas/Easter/Halloween candy as fast as you'll let him. It may last a couple of days. Josiah is a candy hoarder. He eats a little of it, then figures he will stretch it out. The problem is that he forgets it is there and it ends up sitting around for months. Natalie will hide hers in her room like a squirrel and then it is just gone one day. I have no idea how long it takes her to eat it. So Gabe will wolf his down, and then go hunting for more. Where will he find it? In Josiah's stash. He isn't dumb, that Gabers.

3. HE HAS IMMENSE COMPASSION
Gabe is like every other ten year old. He still is understanding how he should relate to other people in this world and a lot of the time he has a very self-centric view of life. But, there are times when I am stunned at how much compassion he has for people. The flood here in Texas, the one in Florida, the one in Puerto Rico? They have been very hard on this little guy. He doesn't like the thought of people he knows (and doesn't know) suffering. He was extremely distraught when he thought his cousin Toby down in Florida was in danger from Hurricane Irma. This has been a characteristic of his from when he was young. When he sees someone on the side of the road asking for money, he wants us to help them. If he sees a dog outside that doesn't appear to have an owner, he is completely beside himself with worry that it will get hurt. If someone does get hurt or sick, he worries about them and wants to be near them. Perhaps this is even more apparent to me due to how he has handled my Rheumatoid Arthritis. When I am having a hard go of things, Gabe doesn't like it. He doesn't want me to have to do things that will "hurt" me. I've seen him crying when I'm in pain because he doesn't want me to be hurting. If I am disciplining one of the other kids (or the dogs), Gabe is very loudly interjecting himself into the situation trying to stop me. He gets angry when someone is perceived to have wronged Josiah or Natalie (or Heather and me). All of my kids have a strong sense of (what they interpret as) justice. It is truly one of Gabe's most noticeable qualities.

4. HE IS OUR AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR
Gabe has always liked to flip, run, and jump around. Back after I had first started staying home with the kids, Gabe was a finky not-quite-two-year-old. He would bounce on the couch, and I would tell him to stop. One time, he bounced too far and smashed his mouth on the end table, slamming his teeth into his lip. AAAAAAGH!!!!! I freaked out. He was screaming and I was terrified. Heather was in Med School and unreachable by phone. In his young life, he has had more eggs on his head, cuts, bruises, and bumps than the other two combined.  It isn't klutziness as much as just playing hard.  But he doesn't shy from it. Instead, he keeps on going and trying new things. For a year now, Gabe has been taking karate.  He loves it and is really good at it.  He's up to green belt and loves going to class. I love seeing him in this completely foreign element and succeed. His teacher loves him and uses him for examples a lot because Gabe is so serious about learning it. "Let's have Mr Gabe come up here to help me demonstrate this." Then the teacher punches Gabe in the face a few times with a new move the kids are learning.  Then Gabe doesn't let him keep punching him. He just laughs and starts blocking the punches. The parents will be out in the lobby grimacing and going "oooohhhhhh" on some of the pops. Gabe just grins, adjusts his mask, and takes his stance again. As a hopelessly unathletic and klutzy lummox, I appreciate his willingness to be so active time and again.

5. HE DOESN'T OPEN UP EASILY...

People have always wanted Gabe to talk to them; Gabe has not always wanted to talk to them. They have gotten frustrated with him and thought he was being rude or was shy. They'll say, "He's a quiet kid." Heather and I look at each other and roll our eyes. Gabe is NOT quiet. He has NO problem talking and talking and talking. But you have to earn that. I remember when my mom first understood this. She was frustrated that he didn't click with her like his brother and cousin had. One time she was listening to him play. He kept coming over to my mom and saying things about toys or books, but usually it was lost in the noise all around him. She bent down and heard him and looked at me. "He talks, but he wants you to listen." Yup! You got it. She earned it that day and it changed their relationship. Gabe was always tough to leave in nursery. The first few weeks of school in the younger were nightmares. And if doesn't trust a teacher or an adult, he will NOT interact with them. I always want people to realize that if Gabe is wanting to interact with you, you must be pretty special. When he and his Uncle Mike first connected it was over video games (naturally). Gabe realized that they could speak the same language and from that point on became Mike's buddy. I see this as a positive trait. He doesn't give himself away easily. Too many people do - I know I did all the time, desperate to find love. Gabe isn't going to be the person who has tons of ex-girlfriends. He is careful and guarded.  BUT....

6. ...BUT WHEN HE DOES, HE LOVES DEEPLY AND INTENSELY

Once Gabe decides that you are worth his love and attention, you will get as much as you can take and more. He loves very deeply and intensely. I am so lucky to know what that feels like. Gabe adores me and it is such a great feeling, to know that he sees me as a safe person. I remember growing up and not having that feeling with my dad at all. We weren't safe and I couldn't just completely deflate around him and relax. So I'm glad Gabe and I have a different relationship. Sometimes this love will overwhelm a person - "love you to death...literally." His brother Josiah is often the recipient of this love. Gabe thinks Josiah is absolutely incredible and wants to spend every possible moment with him. For a sixteen year old who has never been a huge fan of physical contact, this can definitely be too much. But that intense love for his brother is a beautiful thing to watch - until it crosses to fighting. I was surprised just how hard it was for Gabe when my mom died. He STILL will start crying about her, saying he misses her. He has been this way with his friends at school and his cousin Toby. When Gabe loves someone or something, he LOVES it with all the effort he can generate. I don't like imagining my kids growing up because I don't want them to, but sometimes I think about how lucky his wife will be when that day comes. She will have someone who loves fiercely, passionately, deeply. He may not say it, but there is no doubt about it.

7. HE IS VERY FUNNY

My kids are all funny. They kind of are forced to become that just to survive in our house. I'm kind of a smart aleck (#ShockedFace) and I have encouraged them to be most light-hearted and not take themselves so seriously. Gabe has learned this lesson very well. He tells a great story - again, when he wants to. He does some good imitations and has some witty comments. One of our favorite videos of little Gabe is when he impersonates a eight year old Josiah's faces. (Josiah hates this video - but it is pretty dead on accurate.) He picked up on this thing that Donald Trump would do where he points with his hand and says, "Bing." Every so often, when someone is making a point, Gabe will just do it and say "Bing." He makes silly faces, silly voices, and silly songs. And he also is quite a fan of potty humor, much to his mom's chagrin. He is quick to laugh, which lights up his whole face. Being funny is important to our clan, and Gabe both brings humor to the table and appreciates what other people offer.

8. HE IS SMART ... AND DOESN'T LET IT DEFINE HIM

It took me until I was in my late thirties to understand how badly I had let my intelligence BE who I was. I saw myself as the smartest person in every room. If I didn't see that as the case, I would either have to tear down the other people in my head or find a way out of that situation. I banked so much of my worth on my intelligence. Gabe is smarter than me - I have no doubt of this. He has always had this look about him, where he is analyzing and sizing up the situation. He already is well on his way to be a successful litigator - at least I hope that all of the arguing he does is actually a work-study program. I mentioned how his math and computer skills are way above average. But the crazy thing is this has never been something that he uses to build his identity. It is almost like he doesn't care. It is more like, "Oh, I'm in gifted. Cool. So these are my friends, we went to recess, I built this on Minecraft." I want him to appreciate his gifts, but I don't want him to believe that is all that brings him value. I have wanted that for all of my kids. I'm glad that they have good solid brains, but I want them to use them to do worthwhile things. I want them to be defined by the impact they leave, not their IQ.  Gabe, fortunately, already has more of a handle on this than I ever did.

9. HE LOVES TO CUDDLE

Sometimes we will eat dinner in the living room and watch Psych on DVD. Or we could be watching a movie, or all playing on our devices. You never need to look far to find Gabe. He is probably tucked in as close as possible to someone. It could be me or Heather ... or Josiah (more often than the rest of us). It isn't Natalie as much because she stays in her room a lot more. Gabe always wants to be right there, as close as he can. He will lean up against me and eventually I'll feel his legs worming their way under my legs until he's woven himself all up against me.  He has always been a cuddler. He loves sitting with people and sharing their space. If there is a couch or loveseat with two people on it, there is enough room for Gabe in the middle. He wants to sit in the middle whenever we go to a movie or game. He wants to have someone sit near him in the car. He wants someone to sit in his bed with him at night. These desires aren't out of fear or immaturity - he just really wants to be around his people. It has not been hard to identify Gabe's love language. The nice side benefit of this is it that it has allowed me and Heather to enjoy the feeling of having a little boy longer, since he still will allow us to snuggle him and hug him.  Even today at lunch at school, I didn't want to embarrass him when I was leaving, so I half hugged him and started to go. He looked up at me and said, "You can hug me dad. It's okay." So I did. Now, the dogs are not always to happy to be hugged and cuddled by Gabe's intense nature. But we like it just fine.

10. EVERYBODY LOVES GABE

Even though Gabe is slow to open up to others, other people are quick to want to be around Gabe. We've taken to mimicking Robert Barone with "Everybody loves Gabe." The kids all will play with him on the playground. The cousins all want to see what he is doing. One time at one of Natalie's performances at school, if you looked in the back of the cafetorium, you would see Gabe sitting there with his iPad, surrounded by a gaggle of kids who didn't even know him. He has a magnetism about him. People are drawn to Gabe. It makes for a strange combination. Gabe is hesitant to open up to most people, but he is quickly surrounded by people. When he does find someone, he invests deeply in them - often to the exclusion of the other people. Yes, it will be interesting to see how Gabe navigates the minefield of relationships and friendships over the years. For now, though, it is sweet to see how want to be around him. He has grown so much. Even if it is not his comfort zone, he isn't aloof with people. When I saw him at school today, once again he was surrounded by a bunch of boys from class - a new set from last year who barely know each other yet. Girls would walk by and say hi. Kids not even in his class told him happy birthday. The really neat thing (and it is something I hope he continues with as he gets older) is that Gabe doesn't seem fazed by it.  He isn't strutting around like he's all that because he is smart or popular or cute or funny. He is just Gabe. The world swirls around him and he just does his own thing. Sometimes I'm envious of how comfortable he is in his own skin. But I also thank God that Gabe is made that way. He is a very special, surprising, wonderful kid.  And now he is double digits. A perfect 10!

Sixteen Wishes

My oldest child, Josiah, turns sixteen today. I cannot believe that it has been so long since that curly haired baby boy arrived in our world. So much has happened over that time; so much has changed. What has not changed, though, is that I have so many things I wish for him.

1. I wish this was a better world for you. Things are a mess. It is so easy for your tender heart to get troubled by the horrors unfolding all around you. Truthfully, this has been your story literally since you were born. And I truly wish that was not the case. 
2. I wish that you did not have to deal with so much hate. We have had so many conversations as you have tried to wrap your mind around how people everywhere seem like they are ticking time bombs, waiting to explode on anyone who looks at them wrong. I wish you didn't have to face that kind of hateful atmosphere. 
3. I wish that you had a better example to follow. I have tried so hard to become a more patient, loving, strong man. I know I've failed you too many times. That keeps me awake at night. I hope I have been enough, but I wish you had better. You deserve better. 
4. I wish that will find your true calling. You have so many talents. You can draw, write, create. You are smart and kind. I want to see you discover something you love where you can change your world. I hope I can help you find that. 
5. I wish that Funko made a Classic Thor POP figure. It is pretty stupid that it doesn't. We share this frustration. 
6. I wish that you meet people who help you to become the best you can be. The Bible tells us that iron sharpens iron. I want you to find people who help to make you an even greater person - people who can help you in ways your mom and I cannot. 
7. I wish that you learn how to be organized. You are NOT the only student who needs to learn this. I still pay the price from not being as organized as I should have been earlier in life. It is vital to be able to organize your life. If only you had an Apple Watch or something to help....
8. I wish that you fall back in love with books. Reading has gone out of vogue with a lot of people. It has been replaced with apps and games. But reading has brought me more joy than just about any other leisure activity. I hope you find something that draws you back to the written word. 
9. I wish that you could master fear. Nobody really ever can completely avoid fear. But, as much as possible, I hope that you can discover freedom from fear. Don't be afraid to try and fail, to get your heart broken, to be the butt of jokes. Sometimes those thing have to happen to bring us where we need to be. 
10. I wish that you liked vegetables. I mean, I hate most of them too. But this seems to be an important thing according to doctors. 
11. I wish that the Earth wasn't so broken. I am not smart enough to know if all of the wacky weather tragedies are due to climate change. What I do know is that one flood is one flood too many. Two floods is just wrong. I hate that you have to see these terrifying storms come around so often. 
12. I wish that you will discover your faith and it will set you on fire. Not literal fire, obviously. But I want you to uncover what you believe, what motivates you and drives you. I want you to find what gets your heart beating and your fire burning.
13. I wish you find love. I don't want you find love so it completes you or makes you worth something. I want it for you so that you can experience what it is like to have someone who is so invested in your life, your wellbeing, your improvement. There is nothing like someone who chooses to love you unconditionally. 
14. I wish you find the perfect cheeseburger. We have had some great ones over the years. I hope that you will keep on trying them and that you will one day find one where you say, "I'm done with cheeseburgers. I can't top that one."
15. I wish you didn't have to feel pain. I know that pain is important biologically. But it really sucks. You have felt pain in your life - and I've hated watching it. The pain of a tuba pulling on your shoulder, the pain of disappointment, the pain of injustice, the pain of rejection. I wish we could learn how to grow without pain. Maybe this should be that I wish you will be able to see through pain and uncover the blessing, the lesson, on the other side. 
16. I wish you will discover the indescribable joy of being a parent. There is an immense amount of pain and exhaustion with being a parent too, but those cannot match the joy of watching a child grow and explore. Watching you march at halftime. Seeing you behind the wheel of a car. Hearing you talk about your future. These things can never be matched. I wish this one for you because you have brought me so much joy. You are an incredible young man and unbelievably precious to me. 

Aftermath

I still have a hard time believing that Texas got its ass kicked by some guy named Harvey. It isn't a tough enough name to bring down a state like Texas. It should have been Hurricane Clint or Hurricane Deathstar. That just needed to be said.

Once I finally had a moment to actually sit and think yesterday, I began to process the last week or so. That spilled over to the the last year, eighteen months, two years. In the last two years, we went through a citywide devastating flood in Columbia, SC. Then we moved across the country. Then my mom died. Then my Rheumatoid Arthritis flared out of control. All through that I battled severe depression. And now a region wide devastating flood in Houston. That is all in addition to the normal financial, psychological, and emotional stress involved in raising two teenagers and an active elementary kiddo - as well as watching a never-ending string of incidents making me believe the world has spun out of control. It has been a tumultuous, trying, and exhausting two years.

As I've tried to maneuver through this season, I have found it increasingly difficult to carry on. For the first time in my life, I have found myself asking questions that are quite uncomfortable. I have never been shy about my Christian faith. I have worked on church staff and am an ordained minister - although one who is not currently serving in that capacity. Throughout my life, I have lived synonymously with my faith. It is not something that I do weekly; it is woven into who I am. I have never resorted to prayer only in the toughest of moments. Attending church was not something done only as my world spiraled out of control. Yes, I allowed myself to drift in my ferocity of faith and I allowed things to enter my life that were against a Godly pursuit. But it was impossible to explain who I was to someone - to have them truly know me - without faith being a primary characteristic.

That faith has been tested and refined over the years. There were moments where I felt confused and abandoned. There were moments of startling clarity as I realized something I had been taught actually ran counter to the Bible. There were moments of intense anger over judgmental, hypocritical, legalistic people and their comments and behaviors. Through all of that, I could still separate the people from the faith. People are mean and stupid and selfish and misguided. They are going to misrepresent, misinterpret, and miscommunicate things. As long as I personally was in the right place, all that didn't matter.

The last two years have tested that. Yes, I have felt betrayed and abandoned by God's people. I have felt distant from church, hesitant to lower an ever-increasing barrier between me and others. But, more than that, I have felt betrayed and abandoned by God Himself. With each passing disaster, it became harder and harder to cling to my faith. Watching the already financially struggling city of Columbia suffer the blow of a devastating flood pained me. Hearing tales of vans plowing through crowds, gunmen shooting up clubs (in my beloved Orlando, no less), and bombers murdering innocent children sickened me.  Seeing my mom - this woman of faith - slowly deteriorate from unbeatable cancer silenced me. Crying out in pain and loneliness and hearing only a hollow echo instead of comforting words crippled me. A few mere months ago, I was a shell of myself. I literally sat weeping uncontrollably in a closet  I felt alone and worthless, ignored by friends and neglected by the God I served my whole life.

When it came to the time of me having to see that same destruction Columbia faced come to an even larger Texas region?  Instead of it knocking me further into a hole, it somehow emboldened me. I found my voice again.  I know that the series of posts I put up on Facebook consisted of silliness and jokes laced throughout the serious information. But that was a big step for me. I hadn't been able to produce anything even on that scale for so long. So what does that have to do with anything?

I am a story teller. I am the product of two storytellers. It is a part of me as much as my O+ blood, my black hair, and my light sheen from donut grease seeping up through my pores. It is something God gifted me with, and something that thrives the most when I am the most at ease with Him. It is little wonder than my voice fell silent so much in the last two years.  It still flashed when I was teaching for Kaplan or working on an event for my church (one of the rare times I dragged myself there). But mostly it felt like a fire that couldn't stay burning. It would spark and sputter and smoke and then fizzle. But during this last challenge, I found myself finally understanding that silence is not the same as abandonment. A lack of contact doesn't equal a lack of concern. And I could not be further away from being unloved.

Time and again, we found ourselves escaping tragedy without realizing it.  We came to recognize that the house we chose last May was the only house we looked at that remained (largely) unaffected by Harvey. We started getting supplies three days before the storm arrived, so we had everything we needed during those initial waves of rain and tornado warnings. When we had to evacuate on Monday, we could not reach the first place we headed. Each road we turned onto was rapidly filling with water - Heather would sometimes realize it mere feet in front of her and swing a U-Turn away from danger. That hotel and the area surrounding it ended up being flooded and isolated - and still is. The next hotel we headed to was full. It also ended up flooded. We landed at a crappy Crossland hotel and managed to wrangle their last room with two beds. We found supplies to supplement the ones we brought from home. And then we went out the next day and got other supplies to flesh out our anticipated long stay. Instead, we were able to map an escape to our friends Andrew and Natalie. As we were packing, I asked the family next door if they could use some of our food we had bought. They were a family with five kids who had evacuated from a flooded out region near Katy. When we realized that, we gave them all the food we had bought and most of what we had brought. We gave them the comforters we purchased, the snacks (their kids cheered), and even the Blu-Ray player we had gotten. Being able to help someone else while we were escaping our own challenges?  That was something special. We made it to our new place of refuge and experienced such generosity and love. And we also realized that the hotel we escaped was now isolated and blocked due to flooding - which was shocking, since it was fine when we left.

In addition, we were flooded (pun intended) by people offering us shelter, checking on us, trying to find out if we needed help. Twenty people offered us houses to stay in. TWENTY!  One day, between my phone and Heather's, the text notification chimes were ringing nearly non stop. As if Andrew and Natalie weren't generous enough by letting us disrupt their lives, they wouldn't let us help with groceries or a pizza payment. People from literally every era of my life contacted me at some point to check on us. My coworkers at Kaplan were incredible in covering for me and checking on me and doing everything they could to help from far away. You probably don't realize how healing this was. I have been so crippled by feeling alone. I felt like I only mattered to people when I could do something for them. Day after day I felt like I was slipping away and no one cared. I felt invisible. All I was good for was to drive kids places and do a lousy job keeping up with household chores - and virtually show up for work. If I disappeared, no one outside of my house would even care. I was completely floored to see that was not close to true. Each point of contact strengthened me. Every time someone sought me out to check on me or offer help, it further pushed away the dark.

All of that combined to pull me out of the dark shroud I had enveloped myself with. I recognized I had hardly been alone or abandoned. I cannot express how incredible it is to awake to this reality. I am not saying that the tragedy around me is better or that "it was all worth it for me to..." This is awful and sickening - the mark of a broken and twisted world crying out. But on a personal front, which really is all I can speak on, this event was renewing for me. That will allow me to start looking outward again, seeing where I can make a difference. Instead of being the death knell for my faith, it served to awaken it and rekindle it. I am not the man I was two years ago. My voice has been restored and I have a message to send. I have a hint of what it will be, and it thrills and frightens me. I have been both softened by trial and hardened as well. I am gentler and angrier. I am ready to fight for what is right, to oppose injustice and rage against wrongdoers. A different storm has broken inside.

How NOT to Decide Where to Live

It is interesting how society changes in such a short period of time.  For example, consider people's residential habits.  My grandparents lived in their houses for decades.  They reared their children there, spent lonely years there, played with their grandchildren there, and ultimately passed on there.  That was kind of how things were done.  We moved into the house I grew up in when I was two.  My mother lived there until I was nearly thirty.  That was our home.

When I moved away to college, little did I know that I would become a modern day nomad.  In the 23 years since I graduated from high school, I have had 19 different addresses.  Yes, that is correct.  I average 14 months in each place.  This house we live in now in South Carolina - this will be my second longest tenured address behind my parents' house at a whopping three years.  I lived in 12 different locations in Orlando alone.  And I'm passing this nomadic nature on to my children.  My oldest son has lived at 9 addresses in 13 years.  Our daughter has lived at 7 in 11 years; our youngest at 4 in 7 years.  Our oldest child has attended 6 different schools.

Our case may be extreme, unless you are a military family.  But people move around much more now than they used to.  Our travels have been due to a lot of circumstance, but the last few years it has been due to my wife's medical training.  We moved to Tallahassee for the first half of medical school, back to Orlando for the second half, and then to Columbia, SC for residency.  And we are now about fifteen months away from another move for fellowship.  That will be another three years.  The other day, my wife and I were talking about this.  She said, "After fellowship, we will need to consider where we want to move permanently."  That concept is so bizarre to me now.  Permanent residence?  I haven't had one of those in decades.

So we have been traveling around to interview at different places for this upcoming fellowship.  Well, I say we like a dad would say, "We are having a baby."  Mostly "our" interviewing consists of me driving us to the city, Heather going to a full day of stressful interviews, and me sleeping in and then exploring cities for good BBQ.  We are down to six choices: Houston (which I missed), Nashville, Cincinnati, Birmingham, Philadelphia, and Chapel Hill, NC.  We are considering all sorts of things when making this decision, as we should.  The most important is the quality of training Heather is going to receive.  But we also are looking at cost of living, where we would live, opportunities for me for work, things for the kids to do, and even colleges.  (Our oldest will be a junior in high school when we finish.  Let that sink in for a minute.  Terrifying, isn't it?)  However, I am a guy.  And I am a relatively immature guy at that.  So as much as I try to choose a new location based on legitimate reasons, I cannot help but have other ridiculous criteria enter my head.  So I offer you the stupidest reasons for moving to (or not moving to) each of these places.  These are genuine thoughts I have had as we have gone through this process.

HOUSTON

• It is in Texas.  Texas has great BBQ.  The BBQ in Texas is at another level.  The best BBQ places everywhere else would be bench-riders compared to the average places in Texas.  Even my beloved 4Rivers would be a mediocre place in Texas.  This is good.
• Houston is in UCF's conference.  So UCF would come to play football there.  I could go watch them play.  This is good.
• Texas is hot.  I grew up in Florida, which also was hot.  But Texas hot is a different kind of hot.  It is like oven hot.  It is dry roast hot, as opposed to steam-cooked hot.  This is bad.
• They have professional sports teams here.  The Texans are in the Jaguars' division.  So the Jags would come to town.  This is good.  The Rockets have Dwight Howard.  I hate Dwight Howard for screwing over the Magic.  This is bad.  The Astros are stupid.  This is irrelevant.  

NASHVILLE

• Nashville is frigging awesome.  It is a great city - one of my favorite.  I love Tennessee and I love Nashville.  I don't know too many other places where you can just walk around downtown and constantly hear live performers in restaurants.  And these guys would be GREAT performers in any other city.  In Nashville, they play bars at 2pm.  This is good.
• Nashville has pretty good BBQ.  It has some great restaurants.  This is good.
• My favorite hockey team - the Nashville Predators - is in Nashville.  I could go to their games.  This is AWESOME.
• The Titans are in the Jaguars' division.  See what I said about the Texans.
• The GOO GOO CLUSTER started in Nashville.  They have a storefront, where you can get Pink Cadillac specialty Goo Goos.  These are one of the best candies on the planet and this is the only place you can get them.  This is good.
• The traffic in Nashville makes me want to die.  This is bad.
• Nashville has a cool nickname.  Nashvegas.  The Predators keep trying to push for Smashville.  But that is not going to overtake Nashvegas.  This is good.
• The home offices of Lifeway is in Nashville.  I'll keep my opinion to myself on that.
• They have a giant replica of the Parthenon there.  This is good.

CINCINNATI

• They have a chain of chili restaurants.  Actually, they have two chains.  Where else has chili restaurants?!?  This is good.
• Donatos pizza is in Cincinnati.  We love Donatos.  This is good.
• The Reds play there.  I hate baseball.  This is irrelevant.
• The Bengals play there.  They are in a division where I don't like any of the teams.  Their colors are orange and black.  They are really just a non-entity when it comes to football for me.  This is bad.
• Cincinnati is also in UCF's conference.  See what I said about Houston. 
• The parking downtown is plentiful and cheap.  This is good.
• Cincinnati is basically in Kentucky, separated by a river and a bunch of bridges.  For some reason, I really don't like the idea of living in, or that close to, Kentucky.  This is bad.  
• It is in Ohio.  For some reason I always picture guys in hard hats and steel mills in Ohio. I'm not sure what I feel about this.  
• Cincinnati has TWO good nicknames.  There is Cincy.  And there is The Natty.   That is good.
• Ohio State is very close.  This is a strange university for me.  I absolutely detest their athletic teams.  But I think it is a great school.  This is a toss up.

BIRMINGHAM

• The Birmingham Barons is where Michael Jordan played baseball.  You drive right by that ballpark whenever you are driving to the kiddo hospital.  I hate thinking about the fact that Michael Jordan played baseball.  This is interesting, but bad.   
• They have really good BBQ in Birmingham.  It isn't Texas good, but it is good.  This is good.
• UAB is in Birmingham.  They just shut down their football team.  That is an unforgivable offense to sports fans.  This is bad. 
• It is known as the Pittsburgh of the South.  Pittsburgh is where they film all of the post-apocalyptic  movies where everything is bleak and bombed out.  If your city can double as a post-apocalyptic wasteland, your city sucks.  If your city is known as the poor doppelganger of that other sucky city, your city REALLY sucks.  This is bad.
• Everything in Alabama is downhill.  Trust me.  It is weird.  This is bad.
• There are a lot of University of Alabama fans in Birmingham.  I hate Alabama worse than I hate Ohio State, and without the positive feelings about the school.  This is really bad. 

PHILADELPHIA

• It is a historic treasure trove.  I was a history ed major in school.  I love history.  In South Florida, the most interesting history is, "This is where Henry Flagler lived."  I love being able to see historic sites and monuments and all of that.  This is great.
• The sports teams here are terrifying.  I cannot think of even one team I would feel safe taking my kids to see.  Between the Battery Chuckers at Eagles games, the thugs at Flyers games, baseball in general at Phillies games, and chronically depressed people at Sixers games.... Let's say this is bad and leave it there. 
• There are diners in Philadelphia.  Diners are incredible.  We don't have diners down in Florida, or really in South Carolina.  Diners are everywhere up in Philly.  This is good.
• There isn't really BBQ, but there are cheese steaks.  They are named after Philadelphia, for Pete's sake.  I don't even know Pete, but he would agree.  This is AWESOME.
• Pirogi are sold everywhere.  They are delicious. This is good.
• Philadelphia has a cool nickname too.  Philly.  This is good.
• Rocky is from Philly.  This is good.
• Northeastern people are grumpy, at least to someone who lived in the South his whole life.  This is bad.

CHAPEL HILL, NC

• The UNC Tarheels are here.  They have cool colors and play basketball well.  I don't hate them.  This is good. 
• Duke University is awfully close.  I'm afraid I might get its stink on me.  This is bad.
• That is really all I know about Chapel Hill.  It seems kind of anti-climactic after the other descriptions. This is bad.

So the moral of this experiment is that it is a good thing that I am not making this decision alone, or we would be moving to the city with the best BBQ, sports teams, and movie theaters.  Oh, I found a good movie theater in Cincinnati.

I'm Retiring

At church today, the Pastor started a new series on the book of John.  Being a big fan of the Gospels, I appreciate that book.  However, I can honestly say that I have never done an in depth study on John.  I know that it is the "weirdest" of the Gospel books.  The first three are very straightforward narratives; John is more of a poetic emotional journey.  Pastor James pointed out some of the curious differences between John and the other Gospels: John has no exorcism stories, John has no parables, John never mentions the Apostle John by name.  This last point is one of the more interesting elements of the book.  Whenever it comes to a point in the story where John should appear, the author instead mentions "the Disciple who Jesus loved."

I have always found that strange.  Not strange like inappropriate or anything.  Just strange.  We know from the other Gospels that John was one of the closest circle of Jesus' Disciples.  There were several instances where Jesus took just Peter, James, and John with Him.  Jesus entrusted His mother to John at the crucifixion.  So John was closer to Jesus than most people, even more than the average Disciple.  But, still, it seemed like a weird way to identify yourself.  If John didn't want to call himself John, why didn't he say "me" or "I" instead.  (I doubt it was because he wasn't sure which pronoun case to use.  He did, after all, get the tricky who/whom thing figured out.)  Why go with a phrase like "the Disciple who Jesus loved?"  And wasn't that insulting to the other Disciples?  I mean, if I was Bartholomew, wouldn't it get tiresome to be constantly reminded that John was more special than me?  And don't give me that whole line of reasoning that these guys were the Disciples and they didn't have immature thoughts like that.  I think there are more than enough stories in the Gospels that refute that.  They get busted for arguing over who will be the greatest in Heaven.  James and John had their mom go and ask Jesus to put them in a special place in Heaven.  They chase kids away from spending time with Jesus.  They don't believe Jesus rose again.  They make a ton of boneheaded decisions.

So Pastor James addressed that very issue today.  And his explanation (cobbled together from his own thoughts and other sources I don't remember) follows thusly.  When we look in the other Gospels, we see John identified with a different nickname.  He and his brother, James, were tagged with "Sons of Thunder."  Now, if you were a wrestling tag team, that may not be so bad.  But if you are supposed to be a follower of a rabbi who is claiming to be the Messiah, that probably isn't the cred you hoped to attain.  What do you think of if someone is called a "Son of Thunder?"  What comes to my mind first of all is Thor, naturally.  At least in his early incarnations, Thor is brash and loud and impetuous and arrogant.  In the movie, he gets thrown down to Earth because of his hardheadedness.  He can be fun and he certainly is loyal.  But he doesn't think before he acts.  We see this even in the new line of comic books by Marvel where Thor gets stripped of his title and is basically left as some big dude wandering the Earth, trying to figure out what to do now.

So that's John.  Loud, temperamental, arrogant.  Is that an uncomfortable picture to paint of good ole St. John?  I mean, he's the guy lounging next to Jesus in The Last Supper.  He is all sissified and emasculated.  Hardly the kind of guy who would be labelled a troublemaker.  Again, how quickly we forget.  This is the same guy who wanted to rain down fire on an unbelieving community.  He wanted to get the choicest spot in Heaven so badly he had his mom ask Jesus for it.  And, later on in church history, he gets imprisoned, beaten up, and exiled to a deserted island.  (If you want to believe extra-biblical history, he may also have been burned with boiling oil.)  He may not have always been a boisterous talker.  Maybe he was quiet a lot, but when he got pushed to the limits he exploded like thunder.  Either way, his reputation was that he was not someone to be trifled with.

So, how did this person become the same guy who wrote John and the beautiful passages about love in 1 John?  That's exactly the reason that John chooses to identify himself the way he does in his book.  It is like he is constantly amazed at the transformation he underwent.  Instead of being known as a "son of thunder," he was now known as "the Disciple who Jesus loved."  He retired the former name and took on the new one.  He wanted everyone to understand that he was no longer the man he used to be.  That brash, explosive, angry young man was now completely changed by the love of Jesus.  When you look at it that way, it is not nearly so weird.  It isn't bragging.  It isn't boasting.  John was relating a similar opinion to that of Paul.  "If someone like this can change, then anyone can change."

All of this hit me in a profound way this morning because of a conversation I was having with my wife last night.  Heather had two days off back to back.  This rarely happens, mind you.  Rather than lounging around all day and taking a break, she spent most of the day organizing and purging our kitchen pantry.  When 10:30pm rolled around, she didn't feel like doing anything else and was sitting on the couch.  But she was still feeling a bit guilty about being lazy.  I disagreed with her assessment.  I said to her, "As a lazy person, I can definitely tell you that you are not lazy."  But then I took a pause.

For much of my life, I have been saddled with the label "lazy."  Sometimes other people would say it.  Many times I would say it.  I can honestly say that I have battled a lazy streak for much of my life.  I saw it manifest itself in my academics, where I did the least amount of work possible to get the grade I wanted.  It surfaced in my piano playing, where I played as long as it was easy and quit when it got hard.  I've seen it in jobs, in house upkeep, in tasks, in relationships, in diet.  Laziness has been a major struggle for me.  In much the same way, I have been labelled an "angry" person for much of my life.  Again, others would say this of me.  And I would say it of myself.  Another label I got tagged with was negative.  I was a human Eeyore.  I had several people (including a youth pastor) tell me I was the most negative person they had ever known.  All of those things were so accurate, I felt, that I pretty much saw myself that way.  I was an angry, lazy, negative person.  Those were not the only words I attributed to my life, but they certainly were ones that stood out the most.

I have spent a lot of time working on these things.  I know for a fact that for two years now, I have been making a concentrated effort on all of those struggles.  When we still lived in Orlando, I went to counseling with a wonderful man named Cary who helped me a great deal with those issues.  I remember talking to him one day and sharing a story.  In the middle of the story I said something like, "I'm an angry guy."  He stopped me right there and said, "Wait.  I want to dealt with what you just said."  He went on to say that he had counseled a lot of angry men.  And he never once thought of me as an angry man.  He said I was a guy that when I was pushed to my limits or was backed into a corner, I would explode to try to gain control of the situation.  (Sounds like the Sons of Thunder.)  But I was hardly an "angry man."  He pointed out that in all of our sessions, I had never raised my voice to him - even when I was upset with him.  He said that he actually thought of me as kind of quiet.  I had never heard anyone say that to me.

So, last night, I caught myself calling myself lazy.  Then I thought about it for a minute.  Let me share a series of numbers with you.  36.25, 36, 74.75, 71.50, 21, 50, 45.  Those are the hours I have worked over the last seven weeks at my "part time" job with Kaplan.  That doesn't count all of the hours I have to drive to get to tutoring clients.  It averages out to 47.7 hours a week.  That isn't lazy.  I am doing that while also trying to be the at-home parent, keep up with laundry, clean the house, cook dinner for my family and any other people who wander into our house.  I am training through three different curricula for Kaplan.  I have six tutoring clients.  At one point I had 46 classroom students between two classes.  That isn't lazy.  I barely watch television any more.  I have video games that haven't been touched in months.  I read books, but mostly while I am proctoring tests or waiting to pick up the kids.  That isn't lazy.

Lazy had become such a familiar label that I didn't even think about the fact it didn't even apply any more.  Then I looked at "angry."  Cary already had put a giant crack in that belief.  But assessing myself now, I know that I have largely shook that label.  I may still get upset or heated up at things.  But I don't explode anymore.  I don't yell.  In fact, today my daughter actually accused me of whispering to her during a disciplinary moment.  She was getting louder and louder.  I told her to stop yelling and she said, "I'm not going to whisper like you're doing."  Are you kidding me?  As this argument revved up, my kid actually thought I was being TOO QUIET.  That's not angry.

How about negative?  I am a melancholy personality.  I'm never going to be a super-outgoing guy.  But I know for a fact that I have a pretty positive outlook on life.  I don't look for the worst.  I don't expect the other shoe to drop all the time.  In fact, I try to encourage others as best I can.  My students have pointed this out time and again.  They are worried about their eventual test score and I keep on trying to lift them up. My evaluations reflect this.  The classes think I'm funny and fun.  That's not negative.  My wife gave me a super cool anniversary present.  She had fourteen individually wrapped presents (one for each year).  They each had a card saying why I got that item.  Several of them talked about how hard I worked (not lazy), how I made everyone laugh (not negative), how I encouraged her (not negative), and how I kept everyone's stress low (not angry, not negative).

Basically, between all of that stuff and the sermon today, I realized that I needed to retire some things.  Like the Apostle John, I need to hang up those terms that used to define me.  Through the transforming restorative power of Jesus Christ, I am not those things any more.  I am no longer Lazy.  I am no longer Angry.  I am no longer Negative.  I will not refer to myself that way.  And I will not accept it if anyone chooses to lay those charges on me.  I am a different man now.  I work hard, serve my family, love the people around me, and try each day to do better than the day before.  Those names are no longer accurate.  I am now "the man who Jesus loves."  And that is a name I will forever cherish.

40

Today I turn 40. 

I have been pretty vocal with people that this is not a happy occasion. I have no idea why, but I have a mental glitch that makes 40 seems very old. I have said that it feels like I am heading down the back side of the mountain of life. You can't even pretend to be in touch and cool when you are 40.  It has always been that way in my mind. 40 equals old. 

It has been worse for me lately. I really was down about turning 40. Sure, there are all of the usually qualifiers. "It's better than the alternative." "I've got my health, so that's great." And of course my older friends have chirped in with the, "You are young compared to me so shut up." I didn't say they were kind friends. 

I think part of my problem is that there are certain milestones that naturally lead to reflection. New Year's Day. Class reunions. Birthdays and anniversaries that end in 5 or 0. Frankly, I haven't liked what this reflection has shown. I am 40. What have I done? I don't have a career to speak of. I stay home with my kids. I haven't built anything - either physically or economically. It can be kind of disheartening. So 40 hasn't been much of a super happy fun thought. 

This past week the whole family was off. The kids had spring break, Heather was on vacation, and I was ... Um ... the usual. We decided to go to Orlando for the break. We had not been back since we moved to South Carolina in June. The original plan was to have a big 40th birthday bash one night. But living seven hours away makes it difficult to handle logistics. So instead we decided to see as many people as we could and do a bunch of stuff we had missed since we moved. 

So we went to a bunch of restaurants we used to frequent. We hit 4 Rivers Smokehouse and Flippers Pizza and Tijuana Flats. We went to Summit Church for Palm Sunday. We spent a day at Downtown Disney. We even got to try The Coop - the new restaurant by the 4 Rivers crew. All of that was awesome to experience. 

But what really made the week memorable was the time we got to spend with our friends. We didn't get to see everyone we wanted to see, but we did get to spend quality time with a bunch of people. By the time we wrapped up our roster of visits on Friday night, something had begun to dawn on me. I wake up as a very blessed 40 year old man. 

I like to poke fun at how often people use #blessed on their twitter and Facebook posts. But it really is the truest word I feel right now. I am blessed beyond belief. 

- I have a brilliant, beautiful, amazing wife who loves and supports me. She is pursuing her dream, and providing financially for our family through that. She is an example and model for her fellow residents - as well as medical students following in her path. She pushes me to be better and trusts me. 

- I have three incredible, gorgeous children. They are funny and talented and wonderful. I have the unbelievable honor of not only being their dad, but also spending every day with them. Yes, there are days where that honor feels more like a cruel punishment. And there are days I wish there were still bands of wandering gypsies I could sell them to. But, all in all, I cannot believe how lucky I am to have the time and relationship I have with them. 

- I have family who loves me beyond words. That is not limited to the family I was born with. It also includes my parents in-law, brothers and sisters in-law, cousins, uncles and aunts. As I grew into an adult, I was sad about how little I knew my extended family. But now I have such an abundance of extended family that it is impossible to keep up with all of them. My children have cousins who adore them and can't wait to see them - beautiful kids that will be lifelong friends. It is so wonderful. 

- I have friends, such sweet and faithful friends, that have been a part of my life for decades. It really struck me this week that I have multiple friendships of the intensity that some people will never find in their lives. These are people I would not hesitate to leave my children with. And they would trust me with their kids. I know that if something catastrophic happened and I called these people, they would be in a car driving to assist before I hung up. (Of course they would have to wade through about three levels of family who also responded.) They have kids that love my kids like brothers and sisters. As a dad, I cannot adequately express how much these kids and parents mean to me. 

- Most importantly I have a God who loves me to such a ridiculous, illogical, unfathomable level that he sent his Son to rescue me from a life of hopelessness, emptiness, and frustration. He loved me no matter how unlovely, hateful, irresponsible, lazy, and unfaithful I was. I find it quite appropriate that my 40th birthday falls on Easter this year. I get to celebrate my special day on the most special day. I don't have to fear getting older because of what happened on Easter. I don't ever have to feel alone or unloved because of Easter. And I can realize just how silly it is to be down about turning 40 because of Easter. 

So happy birthday to me. I truly believe I am the most blessed man around. Thank you all for the gift you have given me by being a part of my life. 

A Cry in the Night

We are all there from time to time. We may try to deny that fact. It may be because we see it as a weakness or a lack of faith. Maybe we believe we need more vitamins or sunlight or a vacation. So we do our best to ignore it. We stuff it down deep and keep on playing a role that we think the world wants us to play. We go into our jobs and nod at our coworkers. At church we act super holy and smile, or super penitent and solemn.  Modern social media presents us with another opportunity to put on an act.  We either hide our true feelings beneath a flurry of meaningless status updates and Buzzfeed links or we flood our friends with a neverending deluge of griping and moaning.  

I'm referring to the blues, depression, feeling down.  It seems that there are cycles that the average person goes through, happiness and sadness.  But this feeling I'm talking about is more than that.  It is that soul-crushing emptiness and despair that doesn't get fixed with chocolate or a collection of cute animal pictures.  I would wager everyone knows what that feels like.  You can be super religious or not even believe in God.  There are times when something seems to go wrong in our brains and we just take up residence in the darker places.  

We have seen this throughout history.  The prophet Elijah was so depressed at one point (when most people thought he should have been the happiest) that he wanted to die.  Israel's king Saul would go into deep funks.  The Apostle Paul certainly seemed to battle gloominess.  Abraham Lincoln supposedly suffered from two major depressive breakdowns.  In short, it isn't uncommon.  In Pilgrim's Progress, John Bunyan had his characters traverse the Slough of Despond (Despair).  It was pictured as a virtually impassible dark, wet, marshy area.  What a wonderful picture of despair! (And another argument for why books rock.)  You literally get bogged down and can't break loose.

To me, that bog has a vortex at the bottom that sucks me further into the darkness.  It becomes harder to escape and easier to believe the voices that echo in the gloom.  Oh yes, the voices.  How could I forget those?  They are the ones that we are able to block out most of the time with television and music and iPhone apps.  But they come out with a vengeance in the dark.  They are hateful and destructive.  They remind us of our failures and minimize our successes.  They rip and shred and bruise.  It seems so wrong that something so hateful could exist in our own heads.  (Hateful self-talk should be the biggest argument against the theory that humankind does anything possible to survive.)  These accusing tones live deep in the bog and feed on darkness.  And they become louder and louder.

To anyone who can honestly say that they have never battled depression, first say a silent prayer of thanks.  You are a fortunate soul.  Next, know that there things you can do to help those who are struggling.  Don't judge them.  It isn't as if they went looking for this.  Second, don't try to give them advice on how to shake it.  Trust me, they have thought of everything you could offer.  They already are beating themselves up for struggling.  They already are wondering why thinking happy thoughts, listening to uplifting music, and praying isn't curing the problem.  They already are convinced they are doing something horribly wrong.  So your suggestions, no matter how well intentioned they are, will come across as judgment.  Third, try to understand that this is not just being in a bad mood or being down.  It is something that the person cannot shake, no matter how hard they try.

Picture it this way.  Imagine you fall into a deep well.  It is dark and gloomy inside - darker than you can believe.  The further you slip down into the well, the darker it gets.  How can the darkness get darker?  Yet it does.  It is completely black.  The darkness actually feels like it has weight, crushing you.  The voices get louder and the way out seems further and further away.  Hardly a pretty picture.  How can one climb out when they cannot see where they are going?  In that much darkness, climbing out and climbing deeper seem the same.

The worst part about depression, despair, the blues is the lack of hope.  Hope is such an unbelievably powerful concept.  I don't think we actually think about just how strong hope is.  One of the themes of The Hunger Games trilogy is the value of hope.  There are some great discussions with President Snow (the evil despot) about hope in regards to Katniss Everdeen (the reluctant hero).  He talks at first about how hope is valuable, even to a dastardly villain.  "Hope is the only thing stronger than fear."  He recognizes that his subjugated people need hope or they will lose the will to live.  The threat of death would be meaningless to a person who has no life worth living.  "A spark is fine, as long as it is contained."  It is almost how adding a little salt to a chocolate dish enhances the flavor.  A little hope makes the fear more real.  However, he recognizes that the hope he offered is getting out of control by the second book/film.  Instead of being a spark, she has become a beacon.  "Fear does not work as long as there is hope."

This is where I believe our role lies when helping a person in these sloughs.  We are to offer them hope.  Going back to that dark well I was describing earlier.  Imagine if you were to fire a flaming Hawkeye-style arrow into the wall of that pit.  What happens?  Does it provide a way out?  Nope.  Does it fix the problem?  Not at all.  Does it remove all the darkness?  Negatory, good buddy.  But it offers light.  It offers hope.  It points the way up and out.  It gives a little brightness to their world.  The truth it, you never know just how important your words can be to someone.  You don't know what they are going through, what they are struggling with.  It could be that your words are just what they needed to hear.

The other day, I was in the middle of one of these painful patches.  I struggle from time to time with depression.  I am a melancholy personality type, so I drift in that direction anyway.  But I have been battling for a while.  For almost two years, I have been on an anti-depression/anti-anxiety pill.  It has made a world of difference.  But there are still breakthrough moments that defy even the best chemistry can offer.  Last Friday, I went on a field trip with Gabe's class to the local park.  We hiked through the woods and then did a scavenger hunt.  That was followed up by the Daddy/Daughter Dance the same night, and then coaching Gabe's soccer team on Saturday morning.  To a normal person, this would be a reasonable amount of activity.  But, for a person suffering with rheumatoid arthritis, it was the definition of Malcolm Gladwell's Tipping Point theory.  I had been battling with allergies and minor illnesses for a couple of weeks.  The Friday/Saturday combo pushed me over the edge into a full-fledged RA flareup.  RA is a weird thing.  It isn't strictly swollen joints.  It is your immune system trying to destroy your joints.  It does crazy awful things to your body.  Medication for it actually destroys your immune system to stop this destruction.  This leaves you vulnerable to other things - like infections, illnesses, etc.  Mix all of that up, and I was down for the count.  I was exhausted.  I was down.  Sunday, I slept in until 11:30am - over 12 hours.  To anyone who knows me, this is unheard of.  Monday, I woke up, dropped the kids off at school, came home and went back to bed until almost noon.  Yesterday the same thing happened.

Fatigue, pain, illness, flare-up.  I was in a bad state.  And last week I started getting very dark in my mind.  I was doing all the right things to control it.  I was fighting my hardest.  I wasn't letting thoughts take root.  I was fighting the voices.  But it felt like I was getting pulled under the waves and was helpless to escape.  Finally on Monday night, I was laying in bed and trying to sleep with the voices pounding in my head.  Heather was laying there, falling asleep.  I spoke up and told her just how dark things were getting.  I had told her about the struggle of the past week and a half, then about the pain I was wrestling.  She had been a very supportive wife and friend - doing all the things she should do in this situation.  But in that moment, I was crying (literally) for a rescue.  I told her how the voices were continually telling me I was worthless and pointless.  I was explaining how when I am at my best, I am out there with people and teaching and investing in young people.  The opportunities here are limited for that.  My latest Kaplan class had just ended (a correlation I had not recognized until just that moment).  So I was feeling alone and isolated and worthless.  That sends me into my default mode of pulling further and further away into my dark hole.

After listening to these things, she responded.  "David, you are the glue that holds this family together.  Without you, I don't even know how we would function.  The only reason I am able to do what I do is because I never worry about things getting taken care of because I know you are doing them.  Your kids love you to pieces.  I love you.  You are anything but useless."  It was as if she had selected the multi-flaming-arrow move from Hawkeye and launched them all into the wall of my pit.  The darkness exploded with light.  Those words were so incredible and important to hear.  If you have read this blog for a length of time, you know that I have shared my efforts to become a better man, a more reliable husband, a more tender and loving father.  To have my wife say those things to me in my deepest moment of need?  They demonstrated just how far I had come.  They didn't erase the last ten days.  They didn't fix everything.  But they offered me light and love, and so importantly hope.

The last couple of days, I have grabbed onto those words and used them to gain footholds out of my well.  I have used them as weapons to fight off the accusing tones in my head.  And I find myself slowly emerging from the darkness.  More and more, I am realizing just how important we are to each other.  The words we say, the actions we take.  We don't have to be doctors to heal.  Our pastor back in Orlando used to say, "We were not meant to live this life alone."  I am fully convinced that those words are true.  (Sadly, he forgot those words - something that still breaks my heart every time I think of him.)  We were not meant to live alone.  The seminal television show Lost had as its mantra, "Live together; die alone." (Although, some of the most heartbreaking deaths occurred when they were together.)  We never know when a person near us is on the verge of losing it.  We never know how our words may be just what someone needs to hear - or what someone WILL need to hear later.  There are things that people have said to me in my past that still serve as flaming arrows and anchors for me.  It could be Charles Wise saying, "You're a good man, David.  You're a good man." Or it could be Cary Smith tenderly commenting, "You are not an angry man.  I have seen angry men.  You are not angry.  You are a man who lashes out when he feels out of control.  But you are definitely not an angry man."  (That was the first time anyone had said that to me - countering an assessment that had been all too frequent in my life.)  Those words will last my life.  The ones my wife said the other day will go into that treasure chest.  They are words of life and hope.

The same time that I was dealing with all of this, a friend of mine, Adel, from my Apple days posted on his Facebook a story about his life.  He was in a dark place too and something that could be seen as completely random and minor helped to shine new light on his situation.  It really drove home the reminder that we need to be there for each other.  I appreciated his transparency.  And, truthfully, it is what led me to write this.  To anyone striving to be a writer, you know how hard it can be to write.  The negative self-talk rings loud when a writer sits down at his computer, squelching many a good effort.  So imagine writing about depression.  It is a minor miracle that this post ever got finished, and it is a testimony to how important I think it is.  I have often joked that I only hope my life can serve as a warning sign to others.  I truthfully do hope that my failures and weaknesses can help others escape or avoid those.  (Shoot, I would guess ninety percent of the arguments I have with Josiah is trying to keep him from repeating my mistakes and his insistence that he won't, as he does.)  Today, I doubly hope this is true.

For those of you struggling, let me offer you hope.  You are not alone.  You have great worth and value.  There are people all around you that love you and think the world of you.  For those of you not struggling, love those around you.  Don't give up an opportunity to speak words of encouragement to those people you love.  You may think they will tire of hearing you love them, respect them, need them.  But your words may be salvation to them.  And to all of us, take this as a challenge to embrace the chance to change someone's life.  It is so easy to slip into sarcasm and negativity and criticism.  We see that all the time on Facebook and Twitter and the Interwebs.  For once, put that aside and be genuine and truthful and love on someone around you.  Tell them how important they are.  Tell them how talented and beautiful they are.  Give them hope.  Richard DeVos owns a really crappy basketball team, in the Orlando Magic.  But he once said, "Few things in the world are more powerful than a positive push. A smile. A world of optimism and hope. A 'you can do it' when things are tough."  Those are true words.  Go spread some light in the dark.

15 Things A Relocated Floridian Appreciates About "The North"

I was thinking this morning that I really have enjoyed our relocation to Columbia, SC.  If you take out the facts that I hardly have any friends up here, that just about all our family lives a major drive away, that I'm stuck with coverage of USC sports instead of UCF, and that we all really miss our friends in Florida, things are awesome.  Living "up north" isn't so bad.  I've found many things that I actually prefer living in the northern reaches of our country.

[Ed. Note: We realize that South Carolina is not "up north" by any stretch of the imagination.  But, take into consideration that it is eight hours north of where the writer grew up.  Moving eight hours north of Columbia puts you in Cleveland.  Think about that.]

1. You can leave cold food from the grocery store or chocolate in your car for a few minutes to run another errand without worrying that you will come out to a pool of nastiness in your trunk.
2. You can make it all day without the ice in your cup of soda or tea melting.
3. Hot drinks are extra good because they warm you up when it is cold instead of adding to the already severe case of heat stroke you've developed in the middle of January.
4. You don't have to mow your grass for months when it is dead due to the many random freezes.  And it apparently comes back as grass - not weeds.
5. Speaking of grass, you can roll around in the grass without itching all over or worrying you will get a "grass cut" (similar to a paper cut, but with a grass blade).
6. No lizards. 
7. It SNOWS!  Everyone up here said that it "hardly ever snows" in Columbia.  Yes, but by definition, that means it DOES snow at some point.  Growing up in Florida, in NEVER ever snows in Florida.  And don't try to tell me that just because a couple of flakes fell in Pensacola or Tallahassee and were on your car windshield for six hours that it snowed.  Unless it covers everything, it isn't snow. We've already had it snow twice here - one "Florida" snow and one real one that stuck around for five days.
8. SNOW AGAIN!  People north of us hate snow because it never goes away.  But having it come a few times a year is pretty cool.  The fact that the South is completely unprepared to handle any level of snow also means that you get to have entire days off to play in the snow.  That rocks.
9. No Halloween Horror Nights commercials.  
10. No Morgan and Morgan: For the People commercials or billboards.
11. Elevation.  The land is not flat.  This is cool to me.  I never liked the fact that the highest point within fifty miles of me was a dump.
12. Teenagers answer me by saying, "Yes sir."  Every school I've taught at with Kaplan, that has been consistent.  Politeness is underrated in America.  (Could I have sounded more elderly there?)
13. Gas expenses are much lower.  One, the gas is cheaper.  Two, things aren't so far away that a thirty minute drive is a normal expectation.  Thirty minutes here gets us to the other side of the city.  An hour almost gets us to Charlotte.  It takes me five to ten minutes to get 90% of where I need to go.
14. History.  There are Civil War and Revolutionary War battlefields all over the state.  Sure, there are a lot of people that don't like the way the first one of those turned out.  But as a history buff, I like to experience areas that existed before Walt Disney built a theme park.
15. South Carolina has a cool logo.  I'm not talking about the university (although they also have a cool logo and great colors).  The state itself has the palmetto tree with half moon logo that is everywhere.  At first, I was confused.  I asked our realtor why South Carolina had a logo that looked like a Muslim symbol.  His snarky reply was, "It was designed by a Muslim."  Then he laughed because that was so ridiculous.  Or because I was so dumb that I even thought that in the first place.  Eventually, though, the logo grows on you.  It is everywhere - usually in blue and white.  And it looks really cool.  Florida doesn't have a cool logo.  What would Florida even use?  An orange? A sun? An aligator? A bag of cocaine?

Yes, there are many things I don't enjoy about South Carolina.  I hate mustard based BBQ sauces. The taxes on cars, restaurants, income. Racists.  And there are many things that seem identical to Florida - terrible drivers, massive potholes in the road, bugs.  But there is also a lot to enjoy in the Palmetto State.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go sit in carline and not melt.  OOOO, there's another thing...

Out of the Box: Friends

I'm sitting here waiting for the movers and thinking about leaving my home.  I'm not talking about this house.  After living at 19 different addresses in the last 20 years, I have gotten over mourning a move.  I'm talking about leaving Orlando.  Ever since I fled South Florida (the region, not the university) for UCF back in 1992, I have seen Orlando as my home.  In my adult life, I have lived in Tampa for four years, Tallahassee for two, Jacksonville for one, and Orlando for fourteen.  I love this city.  I love the vicious afternoon storms that have numbed me to the fear of a "real" tropical storm.  I love the close proximity to a major university, a decent downtown, and even a tourist mecca.  I love being within reasonable driving distance to ever city in the state I would need to go to.  I even love that our unofficial city mascot is a cartoon mouse, even though I think said mouse would get his tail kicked in a fight with Bugs Bunny.

The point is, Orlando is awesome.  We have loved it.  We have had to move before, but there was always the expectation that we would be back very soon.  This time is different.  This feels final.  We know that there really is no way to move back for at least seven years.  Residency is three years and Heather's fellowship is another four - something they don't even have available in Orlando.  At that point, Josiah will have graduated from high school, Natalie will be in high school, and Gabe will be entering middle school.  (Did you just have a panic attack at that?  Me too.)  The even bigger thing to consider is that Heather is entering a specialized field of pediatrics.  She is going to be a pediatric pulmonolgist who works with kids with cystic fibrosis, severe asthma, and premie babies.  There are entire states without a single doctor of that type working there.  Orlando has several practices located here.  Isn't there some responsibility to go where people need the physician instead of just where the physician wants to live?  We think so.  That means that this move is most likely NOT going to have a return relocation. Sure, we will be back to Orlando.  But not as frequently as we would like.  Heather has limited vacation.  My mom is moving back to West Palm Beach.  Heather's parents like outside Jacksonville.  If we are coming to Florida to visit, those two cities are the most likely landing points.  We recognize all of this and have accepted it.  But that is why this has been so hard.

I spend a lot of time talking about restaurants and churches and stuff like that.  Yes, I will miss the ability to go to Four Rivers BBQ any time I want (except Sundays - unless they cater a church event on Sunday).  I will miss Tijuana Flats and Tenders and Jeremiah's Italian Ice.  I will definitely miss our church.  I will miss being close to THREE Apple stores.  But, that's not the real reason it is hard to leave Orlando.  I had planned on writing about jobs I had here and churches we attended here.  But the thing that kept popping up was the collection of friends we made over the years.  I have some truly amazing friends that I love dearly.  Leaving them stinks.  I know we all have Facebook (except for Aaron, who is reading this thanks to the link on Google+).  And I've had people helpfully offer, "You'll make new friends."  That's what I tell my kids to make them feel better.  But it never works on them either.  I don't WANT to make new friends.  I WANT to pack all my friends up in this truck in my driveway and take them with me.  But I don't want to be negative or sad.  So I am going to celebrate my friends instead.

I feel like I have had several different eras in Orlando.  First, there was the overarching UCF experience.  Within that, there were actually two distinct experiences.  There were the first two years when I was in Student Government.  Then there were the second two years when I was in the BSU/BCM/BSM/BCU/Baptist Group and attended FBC Oviedo as a student.  Totally different groups of people.  I still keep up with some of the SG guys, mainly through Facebook.  But the BCM people have been my friends for nearly two decades.

• Matt and Sarah Sharp - I have known Matt since Kindergarten.  Literally.  We were good friends at King's Academy together.  I used to go hang out at his house and play with his Star Wars toys when I wasn't allowed to watch the movies.  He left TKA after 2nd Grade.  But we still would see each other at various academic competitions ("Nerd Games").  Then we went to 9th grade together.  We ran into each other visiting UCF in our junior years.  And we roomed together in our freshman year of college.  We were in honors classes together and he invited me to BCM.  He was in my wedding.  We have been friends for almost 35 years.  He is one of the most brilliant people I have ever met.  He is hilarious and always good for a discussion on sports or movies or comic books.  And his wife Sarah is very giving and kind.  She had done our family photo shoots for years.  She brings us clothes for Gabe when her son outgrows them.  She has done tons of special things for us and our kids over the years.  Great friends.
• Allen and Candy Turner - I became good friends with Allen during my junior year in college and  roomed with him my senior year.  Way before they started dating, Candy used to be part of the cadre of BCM students who would come to our house to watch Magic games on our big tv.  Allen has been one of my very best friends over the years.  I was in his wedding; he was in mine.  He was my co-best man.  The funny thing is that over the years, Candy became one of my wife's best friends.  They got close when we attended church together about seven years ago.  We watched their son all day when their daughter was born.  We have babysat each other's kids.  We would hang out together ever New Year's Eve.  We would play Dutch Blitz together.  Their kids went to the same preschool as ours.  I cannot even list all of the ways they are special to us without tearing up.  Their family is one of the five hardest things to leave about Orlando.  I must move on.  It's getting dusty in here.
• There are other BCM friends that I still see around town like Byron and Bern Kirkpatrick, Mark Dao, Jeff Kipi and his family, and Jamie Waters.  That is one of the really neat things about having decades of history in a city.  You go to Target, go to Publix, go to church and run into people you know.  We have common friends.  If we ended up at a party with any of these people, I could spend hours talking to them.  That familiarity is hard to match.  

After I graduated from UCF, I moved to Tampa and then Jacksonville.  After about five years, we moved back to Orlando where I worked at First Baptist Oviedo for over four years.  There were some overlaps with my BCM crew at this point.  But I also forged dozens of new friendships from that staff experience.  It is actually hard to believe how many people I know from this time of my life.  This is the Target crew or Mall crew.  I go to Target on a Wednesday afternoon to kill time in between getting the kids and run into someone from FBC Oviedo.  It happens about twice a month.  They may be from First Years Preschool, from the staff, or a church member who I knew from a project or event.  These are people like Ron and Dana McKay, Shannon Chambley, Marlene Olsen, Diane Strathdee, Jim Wadley, Cheryl Pavuk, Debbie Ellison or Schmidt, Randy and Donna Moore and family, Jill Myers, the Mannas.  I also taught college Sunday School for years there.  I had tons of students that came through those classes that have now gotten married and had kids.  I watched them start as freshmen and blossom into brilliant and tremendous adults, workers, parents.  Some of them have ended up as teachers in the area, some are ministers, some are counselors.  I have had kids in preschool with their kids.  One of my favorite things as a teacher is to see the end result of a student.  It isn't the frustration you have when they are learning.  It is seeing that person as an adult out there and changing the world.  That is such an amazing feeling.  I also became very good friends with Tiffany and Erik Wieder.  I worked with Tiffany at the church.  I remember when she first started there.  Her life had been so tumultuous and she seemed shell-shocked.  It was a friendship of mutual teaching, though.  I would talk to her about some things, and she would talk to me about others. She helped me to understand how wrong my worldview was when it came to issues of compassion and social awareness.  I helped her to realize meat was worth eating and there was hope for a better future.  Once she and Erik got together, I had the pleasure of watching that relationship blossom.  I did their premarital counseling and performed their wedding.  I remember having a broken heart when their first child nearly died after being born early.  Heather and I were in Jacksonville for Christmas and just desperately wanted to drive to Orlando just to hug them.  To see this boy now, you would never know he was ill.  He is thriving and rambunctious.  They have a beautiful baby girl, in addition to Tiffany's stellar teenaged daughter.  We love their whole family.  We can easily kill hours and hours talking.  I'm almost disappointed to go to a movie with them because we miss out on talking.  

Thanks to FBC Oviedo, I became friends with Charles Wise.  I remember the very first time I sat down with him was when he took all of the secretaries out to lunch.  (What?  I was a secretary.  Want to fight about it?)  I heard about his counseling ministry and was blown away.  I went home after work and told Heather, "I met this guy today who run a counseling ministry.  He was awesome.  I know it is strange to say this, but I really want to work with him at some point."  At first, I did some freelance graphic design work for him.  As years went on, we talked more and more.  In 2006, we ended up starting Defender Ministries together.  For the next seven years, we have ministered together and grown to be very deep friends.  I can't count the number of lunches we have had together. (But I can count the number I have paid four.  Five.)  We have traveled all over the place to speak at Defender events, run seminars and breakout sessions, and scout locations for future projects.  There is very little that we don't share with each other.  I don't know if I have ever had a deeper friendship.  He knows almost everything about me and I know tons and tons about him.  He encouraged me so much to develop my skills in writing and design and speaking.  We have worked together for over seven years and we have never had a fight.  We have had maybe two disagreements.  We don't always see eye to eye.  But I believe there is such a mutual respect that we still value what the other person says even if they are wrong.  Through the Defender experience, I became much closer friends with Brad Crawford, the BCM Director at UCF.  We would drive the vans for him to National Student Week.  Brad had me come and speak once a year at BCM.  He would make me pulled pork, although not as frequently as he should have.  I also further cemented my friendship with Aaron and Jill Morrison.  I knew Aaron as a student in BCM and worked with Aaron at FBC Oviedo.  We became good friends through our time working together.  But our friendship got deeper after those years while I was working at Defender.  It was probably because we didn't "have to" see each other and "chose to."  I ended up performing Aaron and Jill's wedding.  When they started going to Summit with us, we again intensified our friendship.  They came over twice to help us pack, just because.  They went to Islands of Adventure with us just to help us have a better (and cheaper) time. Two of the most giving people I have ever met.  

The last four years we spent in Orlando seem like an entirely different era.  We had this huge history with FBC Oviedo, BCM, Defender which all blended together because they pulled from the same pool.  Then things shifted.  We stopped going to FBC Oviedo and ended up at a church plant.  I had to get other jobs to subsidize my income from Defender.  I started working at International Community School and Apple Retail.   Heather was preparing to go to medical school, which meant we were "on a clock" of sorts.  Our church still had some familiar faces - the Kirkpatricks, the Turners, the Sharps, and Randy and Susan Gillis who we were familiar with, but not super close to.  It turned out to be a wonderful shift of experience.  Our friendships with the Turners, Kirkpatricks, and Sharps got a jolt and developed a new dimension, with Heather getting to know all the principles better. We got to realize the Gillis family was a blessing sent from God.  And I got to make a whole new group of friends that had nothing to do with my college years.  Apple was a wonderful experience.  It ranks as one of my favorite jobs ever.  I still would go back and work there part time if I could.  I loved just about every day there.  Plus, I got to meet people like Neil Otto, Chris Anenome, and Veronica Fish.  ICS was a great place for me.  I got to teach and invest in the students there.  I also got to know the teachers and become friends with them - Carrie Baker, Wendy Bowerman, Shelly Uner, William and Jessica Eggleston.  I also spent time with the parents like Wendy and Steve Kreidt.  And I met Greg Willson, the most bizarre example of "It's a Small World" of them all.

When I got hired to teach Bible, the class originally was all taught by "Mr Willson" who I assumed was an old man who would hate me.  The kids were all hacked to get split up.  The administration decided to have half of the class with Greg, and half with me.  The half with me was mad.  I figured I would be walking into a landmine.  When I met Greg, I realized I had guessed severely wrong.  He was younger and awesome.  I loved getting to school early for my class just to talk and joke with him.  He was a part-time minister and a musician and an Apple fan.  I kept telling Heather how much I liked Mr Willson.  One day, she picked me up from school and he was walking by.  I said, "There goes Mr Willson."  She looked up and said, "Wait.  What is his first name?"  I told her it was Greg.  She asked if he was from Middleburg.  I said that quite frankly I didn't know.  He had indicated Jacksonville.  She told me she was in band with him.  Uh, what?  I walked over and got him to come to the car.  It was true.  They had gone to high school together and been in band!  Their moms had been friends.  His wife had been in high school with my brother-in-law Mike.  Bizarre.  After our year at ICS, I moved to Tallahassee.  But I always managed to have lunch with Greg when I was in town.  We kept close when I moved back, mostly by eating at Four Rivers or Chipotle.  He was on church staff and he told me that they were planning on relocating to a church in Columbia, SC.  Then we ended up matching in Columbia.  So we are both moving up there at the same time.  Our counselor also turned out to be one of Greg's best friends.  It truly is a small world after all.

Upon our return from Tallahassee, we again were in a new place.  We had med school friends that came back with us.  Even though they were mostly Heather's friends at first, they became my friends too.  It was hard to say goodbye to these people at graduation, knowing Facebook was going to be the main contact point with them since we scattered all over the country.  Zach and Jasmeet are headed to Michigan.  Katrina is going to Louisiana.  Sheallah is staying in Orlando.  Even our dinner club - a group of couples that ate at ethnic restaurants monthly - have splintered.  Mark and Shannon are staying in Orlando.  We are going to South Carolina.  Richard and Meagan and their soon-arriving baby are going to Baltimore.  We also ended up at Summit Church for our final stretch here.  It was unlike any church experience we had ever had.  I got to serve by writing, something that is extremely rare at a church - to have a lay person writing.  I also made some tremendous friends like Michael Murray, John Parker, OJ Aldrich, and Brian Hogan.  One of the best things about Summit was the Gillis family.  They have always been a part of my Orlando story, but it seemed in a "close call" way.  Randy was in the UCF BCM, but he graduated right before I started going and went to seminary.  Then he was a college minister in Gainesville when I was a college minister in Tampa.  We went to the same conferences frequently and became familiar with each other.  They moved back to Orlando just after we did.  Their oldest daughter is the same age as our oldest son.  At a birthday party for Allen Turner, they showed up with their infant second daughter, who was a week older than Natalie.  They enrolled their kids at First Years just like us.  We went to church with them at the church plant and Randy and I were on staff together there.  They had a third daughter by that point.  We started to get close as a family during that time.  What really solidified things, though, when they had their fourth child and first boy less than a month after Gabe was born.  Those two have been friends since birth and now are best friends.  They play together all the time.  In fact, our families both play together all the time.  The kids are all matched up in ages.  Randy and I play the same computer games.  Being at Summit together gave us even more opportunities to share experiences, which was awesome.  Randy and I wrote together for the kids' service.  Since Gabe and their youngest were at First Years together, I saw Susan all the time.  We would pick up each other's kids, watch the kids for each other.  During some family events for the Gillis family, we had all their kids spend the night.  We even shared a babysitter!  All four adults are all friends with each other.  It has been a truly amazing family friendship.  It also is one of the five hardest thing to leave in Orlando - if not the hardest.  I know my kids shed many tears about leaving the Gillis kids.  It was heartbreaking to see Gabe broken up about losing his first best friend.  I've got to move on again.  Stupid dust.

All in all, I count myself supremely blessed to have had the friends I have.  They have refined me and defined me.  They have helped me to grow into the man I am and have had patience with me as I did.  They have encouraged me and lifted me up.  And each one of them holds a treasured place in my heart.  In response to the answer to finding new friends, I may be able to find new ones.  But they can never replace the crop I have now.  They are gifts from God.  I firmly believe that.  And I thank God that I had them for whatever time I did.  So thank you all.  You can never know what you meant to me.  I love you guys.