So here's the rundown. Wednesday, April 29, 2015 was exactly 15
weeks until our 15th anniversary. So in a countdown to the big day, I
decided to start a weekly series of anecdotes from our 15 years of
marriage. I am calling it 15 Weeks to 15 Years. Since everything needs
a hashtag, it would be #15to15. I am utilizing the blog because I have
a propensity to yammer a lot when I'm writing and no one would want to
read a long status update. So be looking for these weekly entries.
Up to this point, I have tried my best to not make these posts about our kids. We love our kids, but once you have children, it is very easy to lose the couple at the core of the family. So I have spent these posts looking at things that focus more on me and Heather. However, an incomplete picture would be painted if I neglected our children in this project.
For a lot of couples, they have time to establish themselves as a married couple before children enter the picture. We did not really follow that schedule. We found out about our first baby four months into our married life. He arrived one month after our first anniversary. So we have had kids almost as long as we have been married. It is hard to think of being married without also thinking of being parents. That certainly has been a challenge at times - still trying out how to live with one other person and then suddenly having a brood to handle. But it also has been immensely rewarding.
Thanks to Heather’s medical training, we have had a unique situation in our home. I have been staying home with our kids for over six years now. (WHaaaaa? That long??) So we both have had a LOT of time with these little monkeys. We both have had the opportunity to stay home with them, which is not something many parents are able to do these days. So we both have experienced the joys, pains, and adventures that comes with hanging out with kids all day.
Over the years, I have posted articles about each child on this website. And we share their stories frequently on social media. So, if you know us, you probably have a good idea of what our kids are like. They are funny, smart, cute, talented, and a little bit strange. This makes sense, with us being their parents. I don’t want to spend a lot of time rehashing stories for each kid. Rather, there are some very interesting things about our kids in relation to us that is more appropriate to put here.
First, it is really fascinating to see how much our kids are a blend of each of us. It is tempting to say that Josiah is just like me, because he looks so much like me and acts so much like I did at his age. But that really limits who he is as a person. He may favor me in looks, but there are many things about him that are far more like Heather than like me. The same goes for Natalie. She has so many obvious things that seem like duplications of Heather. But there are elements that are very much her father. And Gabe is a very unique blend of not only us, but other family members. His behavior more closely matches his Uncle Mike at that age than either of his parents.
That is one of the really neat things about children. You can see elements in them that remind you of both sides of the family. Natalie has my mother’s eyes; they are almost identical. Gabe’s eyes are colored in some ways like my dad, but the patterns in them are like Heather’s. Some of his baby pictures looked like Heather’s dad’s pictures. His teeth are like Heather’s mom’s family. I find it so cool to see what elements of a person are actually hereditary and not just flukes, like elements of personality and eyebrow shape.
The whole process of two families joining together to make a child is actually very cool, when you think about it. Two histories, two legacies merging together in a person. Very neat stuff. My mom’s side of the family is very artistic - a long lineage of artists, sculptors, bakers, architects. Heather’s mom’s side of the family has a lot of technically gifted people - engineers, computer scientists, programmers. (And, yes, there are artists on that side and techy people on the other. Just go with me here.) What happens when those sides mash up? You get Josiah and Gabe. Both are very artistic, but also very techy. So they are drawn to areas where they can use both. I had a great discussion with Josiah the other day about how much he loved creating things on Minecraft. He loves the creation of it - roller coasters, guillotines, traps. And I told him how there are people who use their art skills and merge it with design and technology to create amusement parks. It really struck a nerve with him.
Second, I have grown to recognize how people who love me, love my kids. And that really shows how deep the friendship is. There have been times over the years, especially when we were the first of our friend group to have kids, where our friends saw our kids as an annoyance or inconvenience. They didn’t get it, and the friendship was damaged by that. But when I think of our deep friends now, they are people who love our kids because they are part of us. And I feel the same about their kids.
I’m not one of those people who could just wander into an elementary classroom and be like, “Ooooo, kiddos! I want to take them all home with me.” (Admittedly, if I was that type of person I would probably be typing this from a cell as a kid-napper. Literally.) I am not an elementary teacher. Heather loves kids. She’s going to be a pediatrician. I intentionally did NOT choose that as a career. I do great with teenagers and college students. But, generally I am not a big “kid” person.
When it comes to my friends and family, though, I love their children like my own. And Heather feels the same way. We would protect our nieces and nephews like our own babies. We have friends where we extend our parental protective bubble around their children. Recently, we had some very good friends from Florida spend a couple nights with us with their kids. Our kids adore their kids. And so do we. I wanted to see how they were doing and make sure they were happy. We made sure their stay was special and that they felt loved.
As a parent, when I see one of my friends taking an interest in my kids and trying to care for them, it makes me feel even more loved. Our friends, the Willsons, that recently abandoned us and moved to the UK (still bitter, yes), they were great at showing this. They went to Josiah’s performances at school. They remembered everything our kids were into and would specifically ask them about it. Christina worked at Josiah’s school and kept an eye out for him. Whenever I see that, I know that person really cares about me. They know my children are incredibly important to me, so my friends make my kids important too.
Third, parents have to choose if children will break them up or pull them together. There have been times where parenting our little ones has been the most stressful thing in our marriage. We didn’t see eye to eye on things. We would argue about how to discipline, how loud was too loud, what constituted “yelling at someone.” Two people with two different backgrounds were trying to find common ground on how to raise virtual clones of themselves. It can be frustrating. Very frustrating.
But I never feel closer to Heather than when we are on the same page with our kids. Sometimes, it feels like us against them, and it is nice to have an ally in the fight. But, more than that, it is wonderful to know that you are not navigating the maelstrom of puberty alone, or trying to figure out why your kid won’t settle down without anyone to help. Even if it is just being able to throw your hands up in exasperation and have the other person say, “I know. I know. I don’t get it either.”
We even have our own private jokes about things with this. I have this theory that sometimes God will get a parent’s back with a child. Let’s just say that there have been many times where one of the kids will mouth off or disobey and then trip or run into a wall as they turn to flee. It is like God looks down and says, “I got your back.” I’ve told Heather this before. So, invariably Gabe will yell about something and then run into a door. I look over to Heather and say, “God’s got our back.” (If I had finished seminary, I probably wouldn’t write that.) We used to call Natalie’s meltdowns “Natalanches.” When Gabe is arguing with us non-stop, I will say, “I really hope that he at least puts this stubbornness to good use - like a lawyer or advocate for the mistreated. Just so we didn’t go through this for nothing.”
When I was young and naive, the picture I had of a parent was so simplistic. It consisted of sitting there, playing and being silly or baking, reading and watching tv. I didn’t understand just how much went into parenting. I didn’t grasp that it is a perpetual effort. But I also didn’t really get just how much blessing would come from having children. It isn’t limited to cute pictures, stories, and baby pictures, either. It reveals more about your family, your friends, your spouse, and yourself.
Jul 30, 2015
Jul 17, 2015
15 to 15: Joy Meets Anger
So here's the rundown. Wednesday, April 29, 2015 was exactly 15
weeks until our 15th anniversary. So in a countdown to the big day, I
decided to start a weekly series of anecdotes from our 15 years of
marriage. I am calling it 15 Weeks to 15 Years. Since everything needs
a hashtag, it would be #15to15. I am utilizing the blog because I have
a propensity to yammer a lot when I'm writing and no one would want to
read a long status update. So be looking for these weekly entries.
We recently saw the movie Inside Out. It was fabulous. Pixar really outdid themselves on it. The creativity was spectacular. The premise is that there is an 11 year old girl named Riley. Her parents move her cross country to San Francisco. This entire traumatic experience is mostly related through the emotions in her head: Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust, and Anger. It is brilliant, moving, hilarious, thought-provoking, and fun. Heather and I loved it. The kids loved it. Great movie.
So we were shopping with Josiah at Toys R Us the other day and we saw some POP collectable figurines. I have always thought that those things were cute and fun, but I also don’t have tons of disposable income, so I have managed to avoid collecting them. They have Inside Out figures now, based on the emotions. We thought they were really cute. My favorite character was Anger - duh! I thought Lewis Black was perfect in that role. Heather loved the Sadness character, but she asked which one she would be. I said, clearly Joy. So we got those figurines, and later Sadness because she is cute.
So what happens when Joy marries Anger?
I got into comic books later in life than most people. They were not allowed in our house growing up. (As much as I love them, they are not really allowed in our house now either.) So didn’t get hooked until college. I saw the Batman movies, watched the X-Men cartoon and Batman Adventures, saw some other random comic heroes that wandered onto the screen like Blade and Spawn. (This was all before Nolan and Marvel reinvented comic book movies into the amazing spectacle they are today.) I really liked the X-Men cartoon a lot. There was a very cool pairing on that show: Rogue and Gambit. Rogue was a mutant whose power was that she always sucked the power from other people. She could then use that power for a limited time, unless she did not control it. Then she could suck all their energy out and kill them. Gambit’s power was that he could charge items with energy and make them explode (basically). Rogue and Gambit have had an off-and-on relationship. Even when they were together, they could never be too close because of the danger of Rogue stealing Gambit’s powers and memories and killing him. But there was one stretch where Rogue was able to touch Gambit because all she would do was absorb his energy and darkness. There was an unending supply of those things, so it didn’t hurt Gambit. It actually would help him not be so brooding. But it made Rogue darker and darker.
When you have two people who are so different - as I have explored in the course of this series of posts - you have a couple of potential outcomes. You have the Rogue/Gambit scenario, where the lighter one will be colored by the darker one. You can also have a scenario where the lighter one completely overwhelms the darker one. Or you can have a scenario where they learn to live in harmony. Like Yin and Yang. Or the old couple in Up.
We have gone through all three of those scenarios during our fifteen years together. There have definitely been moments where my darkness has threatened to swallow up Heather’s brightness. I have seen her growing darker and moodier. She began to lose that JOY that characterized her in our early years. That was heartbreaking to me. I may not have recognized, or minded, that darker tone in myself. But it was a terrible thing to witness in my wife. Sometimes, it would seem like I could transfer some of my darkness/moodiness/ANGER. But it was not a good trade off.
There have also been moments where I got lost in the bright light of Heather’s star. As she has progressed through her medical training, she came even more alive. More people were able to see the kind of person she was. And her light burned even brighter. Early on in that process, I moved deeper and deeper into the shadows. Some of that was due to situations in life; some of it was self-inflicted. It became difficult to see everyone flocking to Heather’s light while I lingered in the dark. Again, it was not a good trade off.
I am glad to say, though, that as we approach our fifteenth year together, we have learned much better how to allow JOY and ANGER to live in harmony. I still can be fiery and brooding, but I have learned to live much more in the light. Heather has taken on some darker hues, but they serve to highlight her brightness even more and at times direct it into new powerful avenues. It is interesting to see how the blending of those colors and emotions has created something quite intriguing. Personally, I have learned that I was not nearly as dark and ANGRY as I used to characterize myself. Light being shined into my soul has shown that some of those darker places were just shadows that were chased away. Pits became places of depth. Gloom was reimagined as healthy concern. And ANGER was directed against true injustice, not just irritation.
Years ago, I remember Dwayne Mercer preaching a sermon at FBC Oviedo. He was talking about marriage and how it should look with two people becoming one entity. He at first took two grapes and tried to push them together, with the expected disaster happening. Then he took a lump of yellow Play Doh and a lump of blue. As he was talking, he was pushing those two colors together. Then he held it up. In some places, it had become green. But there were still swirls of yellow and blue throughout. It was hard to tell where one color ended and the other began. It was quite a beautiful picture. That is how our dark and light has meshed as time has moved on. Heather has adopted more of my sense of humor, my outlook on some things. I have become less moody and less easily ANGERED. Darker emotions are often labelled as negative, but there is a time and place for those. I am able to help Heather express those needed down times. She is able to encourage me to embrace my more lighthearted side.
The Avett Brothers had a beautiful song a few years ago called “The Ballad of Love and Hate.” It is obviously an extreme version of what I am talking about. If you get a chance to listen to it, do it. It is truly lovely. I have seen versions of us in the song several times. And I love how it ends. “You’re mine and that’s it, forever.”
So we were shopping with Josiah at Toys R Us the other day and we saw some POP collectable figurines. I have always thought that those things were cute and fun, but I also don’t have tons of disposable income, so I have managed to avoid collecting them. They have Inside Out figures now, based on the emotions. We thought they were really cute. My favorite character was Anger - duh! I thought Lewis Black was perfect in that role. Heather loved the Sadness character, but she asked which one she would be. I said, clearly Joy. So we got those figurines, and later Sadness because she is cute.
So what happens when Joy marries Anger?
I got into comic books later in life than most people. They were not allowed in our house growing up. (As much as I love them, they are not really allowed in our house now either.) So didn’t get hooked until college. I saw the Batman movies, watched the X-Men cartoon and Batman Adventures, saw some other random comic heroes that wandered onto the screen like Blade and Spawn. (This was all before Nolan and Marvel reinvented comic book movies into the amazing spectacle they are today.) I really liked the X-Men cartoon a lot. There was a very cool pairing on that show: Rogue and Gambit. Rogue was a mutant whose power was that she always sucked the power from other people. She could then use that power for a limited time, unless she did not control it. Then she could suck all their energy out and kill them. Gambit’s power was that he could charge items with energy and make them explode (basically). Rogue and Gambit have had an off-and-on relationship. Even when they were together, they could never be too close because of the danger of Rogue stealing Gambit’s powers and memories and killing him. But there was one stretch where Rogue was able to touch Gambit because all she would do was absorb his energy and darkness. There was an unending supply of those things, so it didn’t hurt Gambit. It actually would help him not be so brooding. But it made Rogue darker and darker.
When you have two people who are so different - as I have explored in the course of this series of posts - you have a couple of potential outcomes. You have the Rogue/Gambit scenario, where the lighter one will be colored by the darker one. You can also have a scenario where the lighter one completely overwhelms the darker one. Or you can have a scenario where they learn to live in harmony. Like Yin and Yang. Or the old couple in Up.
We have gone through all three of those scenarios during our fifteen years together. There have definitely been moments where my darkness has threatened to swallow up Heather’s brightness. I have seen her growing darker and moodier. She began to lose that JOY that characterized her in our early years. That was heartbreaking to me. I may not have recognized, or minded, that darker tone in myself. But it was a terrible thing to witness in my wife. Sometimes, it would seem like I could transfer some of my darkness/moodiness/ANGER. But it was not a good trade off.
There have also been moments where I got lost in the bright light of Heather’s star. As she has progressed through her medical training, she came even more alive. More people were able to see the kind of person she was. And her light burned even brighter. Early on in that process, I moved deeper and deeper into the shadows. Some of that was due to situations in life; some of it was self-inflicted. It became difficult to see everyone flocking to Heather’s light while I lingered in the dark. Again, it was not a good trade off.
I am glad to say, though, that as we approach our fifteenth year together, we have learned much better how to allow JOY and ANGER to live in harmony. I still can be fiery and brooding, but I have learned to live much more in the light. Heather has taken on some darker hues, but they serve to highlight her brightness even more and at times direct it into new powerful avenues. It is interesting to see how the blending of those colors and emotions has created something quite intriguing. Personally, I have learned that I was not nearly as dark and ANGRY as I used to characterize myself. Light being shined into my soul has shown that some of those darker places were just shadows that were chased away. Pits became places of depth. Gloom was reimagined as healthy concern. And ANGER was directed against true injustice, not just irritation.
Years ago, I remember Dwayne Mercer preaching a sermon at FBC Oviedo. He was talking about marriage and how it should look with two people becoming one entity. He at first took two grapes and tried to push them together, with the expected disaster happening. Then he took a lump of yellow Play Doh and a lump of blue. As he was talking, he was pushing those two colors together. Then he held it up. In some places, it had become green. But there were still swirls of yellow and blue throughout. It was hard to tell where one color ended and the other began. It was quite a beautiful picture. That is how our dark and light has meshed as time has moved on. Heather has adopted more of my sense of humor, my outlook on some things. I have become less moody and less easily ANGERED. Darker emotions are often labelled as negative, but there is a time and place for those. I am able to help Heather express those needed down times. She is able to encourage me to embrace my more lighthearted side.
The Avett Brothers had a beautiful song a few years ago called “The Ballad of Love and Hate.” It is obviously an extreme version of what I am talking about. If you get a chance to listen to it, do it. It is truly lovely. I have seen versions of us in the song several times. And I love how it ends. “You’re mine and that’s it, forever.”
Love writes a letter and sends it to hate.
My vacations ending. I'm coming home late.
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
and I can't wait to see you again.
Hate reads the letter and throws it away.
"No one here cares if you go or you stay.
I barely even noticed that you were away.
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."
Love sings a song as she sails through the sky.
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes.
And everyone knows it whenever she flies,
and also when she comes down.
Hate keeps his head up and walks through the street.
Every stranger and drifter he greets.
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
with a serious look on his face.
Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow.
Carrying with her the good things we know.
A reason to live and a reason to grow.
To trust. To hope. To care.
Hate sits alone on the hood of his car.
Without much regard to the moon or the stars.
Lazily killing the last of a jar
of the strongest stuff you can drink.
Love takes a taxi, a young man drives.
As soon as he sees her, hope fills his eyes.
But tears follow after, at the end of the ride,
cause he might never see her again.
Hate gets home lucky to still be alive.
He screams o'er the sidewalk and into the drive.
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55,
And the clock in the kitchen is slow.
Love has been waiting, patient and kind.
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign,
That the one that she cares for, who's out of his mind,
Will make it back safe to her arms.
Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door.
Weary head hung down, eyes to the floor.
He says "Love, I'm sorry", and she says, "What for?
I'm yours and that's it, Whatever.
I should not have been gone for so long.
I'm yours and that's it, forever."
You're mine and that's it, forever.
15 to 15: Anger
So here's the rundown. Wednesday, April 29, 2015 was exactly 15
weeks until our 15th anniversary. So in a countdown to the big day, I
decided to start a weekly series of anecdotes from our 15 years of
marriage. I am calling it 15 Weeks to 15 Years. Since everything needs
a hashtag, it would be #15to15. I am utilizing the blog because I have
a propensity to yammer a lot when I'm writing and no one would want to
read a long status update. So be looking for these weekly entries.
As confusing as JOY was to me, ANGER seemed like an old friend I didn’t want and couldn’t get rid of. I thought I recognized ANGER. It was something that boiled up inside of me frequently. It was something I had seen too often in my father. We had been burned by that flame many times. “A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.” That was the dictionary’s take on it and it seemed pretty dead on to me. But, as I’ve gotten older, I have realized that I was just as unfamiliar with true ANGER as I was with true JOY.
ANGER is not just unbridled fury. It is not violence. It is not rage, abuse, eruption. Those things may be elements of ANGER, but it is not the true meaning of ANGER. I felt all of those things in spades. I have been explosive with people when they hurt me - real or perceived. I have damaged people and things. I have a long list of items that I have broken or thrown over the years: a Mickey Mouse keychain that put a hole in my car door, a bookshelf, a cheeseburger, a smoothie.
I knew that feeling all too well. It would build up - heat and pressure in my stomach and chest. My teeth would clench. My eyes would squint. My whole countenance would darken. Then the littlest thing would set it off. Like the chipmunk in Enchanted jumping on a tree limb to drop a dragon, the smallest comment would cause an eruption with yelling and gesturing and sometimes cursing. It was all too common. I saw it in my dad and I saw it in me. It became that I saw myself as an ANGRY man. People told me that. When I had to be all vulnerable in Bible Study about my weaknesses, ANGER was what I talked about.
Three things drastically changed my understanding of ANGER. The first was a book by Dr. Gary Chapman called Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way. That didn’t even make sense to me. But I read it. Dr. Chapman is the one who came up with Five Love Languages and Five Languages of Apology. Both of those are great books about how people communicate (or don’t). The ANGER book did the same thing. But it also talked about how ANGER can be positive - it is a signal that something is wrong. This was taken further in a sermon series at Summit in Orlando a few years ago. The pastor talked about how ANGER comes about in response to injustice. When we see something that is not right, we get ANGRY. Now, our definition of “not right” may be flawed. For some people, it may be the way that humans are mistreated in Darfur. For others, it may be that Burger King again screwed up their cheeseburgers by putting mustard on them. The goal is to make sure that we are getting ANGRY about the right things.
When the topic of ANGER comes up in religious circles, invariably someone will bring up Jesus and how he cleared the Temple. There are a couple of times in the New Testament where Jesus is described as ANGRY: namely at the temple and when he saw how lost and confused the people of Jerusalem were due to the religious leaders. I never could reconcile Jesus being ANGRY. He was perfect and never sinned. ANGER is just condensed vitriolic sin - or at least it appeared that way to me. How could what happens when I erupt be okay? There is no way that is okay.
But that sermon and that book began to show me that what I had always perceived as ANGER was a very simplistic and immature view of it. Most of the time, I saw injustice, but it was that I was not being treated the way I thought I should be. Sometimes it was a fair assessment and I really was being mistreated. But sometimes it was just a selfish thing where I wanted things to be different for my own benefit. That was not what ANGER was intended for.
The third thing that happened was that I went to counseling. (I know I’ve shared this before. But bear with me.) In my sessions, I would sometimes say how I was an ANGRY man. Finally one time the counselor stopped me and questioned that statement. He said he knew ANGRY men and that I was hardly an ANGRY man. The pictures of my ANGER on display flashed through my head. He said that I was usually very quiet and mild mannered. Even when I was upset in our sessions, I didn’t scream or flare up. He said he thought I was just a man who lashed out when he felt trapped or like he had lost control. I had never really thought about things that way.
As I have spent more time thinking about this concept, I began to understand more. The ANGER that I knew was a corrupted form of what it should have been. There is injustice in the world. People are treated badly on a regular basis. And that should make us irate. It should bother us when wrongdoers are succeeding. It should be offensive when we see inequality, bigotry, poverty. And we should want to fix those wrongs. I think people with ANGER problems often have a high moral code. They hold people to it and they hold themselves to it. But the problem is, no one can ever reach it. So these people — I’ll just say me, because it is me too. I would get ANGRY at people for failing. I would get ANGRY at myself for failing, which made me even more ANGRY at others. It was a whirlwind inside of me that never seemed to go away. I was upset at wrongs done to me, wrongs done to others, wrongs I did.
Over the last few years, I have worked hard to change all of that. I don’t get so worked up over small things … or big things. It happened. Getting mad won’t change the reality of things. The A/C in the car won’t start working because I yell at it. The idiots in the other lane won’t pay attention because I growl at them. Now, my kids severely test this newfound approach to life. They manage to push buttons I didn’t know I had. And get really upset when I see some of those old habits manifesting themselves in my kiddos. But now it is even more important than ever to handle it right now, because I have three little ones watching. I want them to know how to handle ANGER. Like me, they have a strong sense of justice - even when it is misguided because they want their brother to play Minecraft RIGHT NOW. They need to know that ANGER can be positive and good, if directed the right way. It can be a powerful motivator and tool for change. I want them to understand how to control it and not hurt people. And I want them to know that decades earlier than I did.
ANGER is not just unbridled fury. It is not violence. It is not rage, abuse, eruption. Those things may be elements of ANGER, but it is not the true meaning of ANGER. I felt all of those things in spades. I have been explosive with people when they hurt me - real or perceived. I have damaged people and things. I have a long list of items that I have broken or thrown over the years: a Mickey Mouse keychain that put a hole in my car door, a bookshelf, a cheeseburger, a smoothie.
I knew that feeling all too well. It would build up - heat and pressure in my stomach and chest. My teeth would clench. My eyes would squint. My whole countenance would darken. Then the littlest thing would set it off. Like the chipmunk in Enchanted jumping on a tree limb to drop a dragon, the smallest comment would cause an eruption with yelling and gesturing and sometimes cursing. It was all too common. I saw it in my dad and I saw it in me. It became that I saw myself as an ANGRY man. People told me that. When I had to be all vulnerable in Bible Study about my weaknesses, ANGER was what I talked about.
Three things drastically changed my understanding of ANGER. The first was a book by Dr. Gary Chapman called Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way. That didn’t even make sense to me. But I read it. Dr. Chapman is the one who came up with Five Love Languages and Five Languages of Apology. Both of those are great books about how people communicate (or don’t). The ANGER book did the same thing. But it also talked about how ANGER can be positive - it is a signal that something is wrong. This was taken further in a sermon series at Summit in Orlando a few years ago. The pastor talked about how ANGER comes about in response to injustice. When we see something that is not right, we get ANGRY. Now, our definition of “not right” may be flawed. For some people, it may be the way that humans are mistreated in Darfur. For others, it may be that Burger King again screwed up their cheeseburgers by putting mustard on them. The goal is to make sure that we are getting ANGRY about the right things.
When the topic of ANGER comes up in religious circles, invariably someone will bring up Jesus and how he cleared the Temple. There are a couple of times in the New Testament where Jesus is described as ANGRY: namely at the temple and when he saw how lost and confused the people of Jerusalem were due to the religious leaders. I never could reconcile Jesus being ANGRY. He was perfect and never sinned. ANGER is just condensed vitriolic sin - or at least it appeared that way to me. How could what happens when I erupt be okay? There is no way that is okay.
But that sermon and that book began to show me that what I had always perceived as ANGER was a very simplistic and immature view of it. Most of the time, I saw injustice, but it was that I was not being treated the way I thought I should be. Sometimes it was a fair assessment and I really was being mistreated. But sometimes it was just a selfish thing where I wanted things to be different for my own benefit. That was not what ANGER was intended for.
The third thing that happened was that I went to counseling. (I know I’ve shared this before. But bear with me.) In my sessions, I would sometimes say how I was an ANGRY man. Finally one time the counselor stopped me and questioned that statement. He said he knew ANGRY men and that I was hardly an ANGRY man. The pictures of my ANGER on display flashed through my head. He said that I was usually very quiet and mild mannered. Even when I was upset in our sessions, I didn’t scream or flare up. He said he thought I was just a man who lashed out when he felt trapped or like he had lost control. I had never really thought about things that way.
As I have spent more time thinking about this concept, I began to understand more. The ANGER that I knew was a corrupted form of what it should have been. There is injustice in the world. People are treated badly on a regular basis. And that should make us irate. It should bother us when wrongdoers are succeeding. It should be offensive when we see inequality, bigotry, poverty. And we should want to fix those wrongs. I think people with ANGER problems often have a high moral code. They hold people to it and they hold themselves to it. But the problem is, no one can ever reach it. So these people — I’ll just say me, because it is me too. I would get ANGRY at people for failing. I would get ANGRY at myself for failing, which made me even more ANGRY at others. It was a whirlwind inside of me that never seemed to go away. I was upset at wrongs done to me, wrongs done to others, wrongs I did.
Over the last few years, I have worked hard to change all of that. I don’t get so worked up over small things … or big things. It happened. Getting mad won’t change the reality of things. The A/C in the car won’t start working because I yell at it. The idiots in the other lane won’t pay attention because I growl at them. Now, my kids severely test this newfound approach to life. They manage to push buttons I didn’t know I had. And get really upset when I see some of those old habits manifesting themselves in my kiddos. But now it is even more important than ever to handle it right now, because I have three little ones watching. I want them to know how to handle ANGER. Like me, they have a strong sense of justice - even when it is misguided because they want their brother to play Minecraft RIGHT NOW. They need to know that ANGER can be positive and good, if directed the right way. It can be a powerful motivator and tool for change. I want them to understand how to control it and not hurt people. And I want them to know that decades earlier than I did.
15 to 15: Joy
So here's the rundown. Wednesday, April 29, 2015 was exactly 15
weeks until our 15th anniversary. So in a countdown to the big day, I
decided to start a weekly series of anecdotes from our 15 years of
marriage. I am calling it 15 Weeks to 15 Years. Since everything needs
a hashtag, it would be #15to15. I am utilizing the blog because I have
a propensity to yammer a lot when I'm writing and no one would want to
read a long status update. So be looking for these weekly entries.
Several things come to mind when I think of the word JOY - and chances are none of them actually have to do with the true meaning of the word. I had a cat named Joy. Growing up, she was the companion to our other insane cat named Grace. Joy the Cat was a pretty delightful cat and made us happy. Hence the name. Then there are all of the Christmas songs with JOY in them: "Joy to the World," "Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring," "O Come All Ye Faithful" (JOY is in the lyrics, smart aleck). So many times the words on Christmas songs don’t even register, though. Then there is "Ode to Joy" by Beethoven. That’s a cool song. But since Die Hard came out, I can’t help but think of it in that classic movie. Villains standing around staring at a huge treasure is hardly an accurate version of JOY. Heather and I had planned to name our second daughter Cassandra Joy, if we had a second daughter. We did not. But my super awesome niece’s middle name is Joy. And, if you know her, you know she is a pretty good demonstration of that word!
I always saw JOY as happiness. That was kind of the definition that I toted around for many many years. It was more than just average happiness - like a bigger version. Even the dictionary definition is “a feeling of great pleasure and happiness.” But I don’t think that is really accurate either. It seems too simple.
I would offer a different definition for JOY. I think it includes happiness for sure. But it also includes peace and contentment and completeness. It is like like a need you didn’t know you had was satisfied in a pleasing and wonderful way. I am not sure I really had experienced JOY many times as a younger person. It is a more complex emotion. I mean, I’ve been happy a bunch of times. When I got my Dallas Cowboys Tonka Truck in 1st grade for Christmas, I was happy. When my parents surprised me with a Sony Discman for my car in high school, I was very happy. When I eat Pizzeria Uno or Four Rivers BBQ I am happy. But none of those things really would be bringing JOY.
I don’t think I really began to understand what JOY was until I married Heather. That isn’t some ooey gooey sappy statement. It is true. And it wasn’t because I immediately had a ton of JOY for being married. But I was married to a person who was very JOYFUL. And that is where the difference between being happy and being JOYFUL becomes more clear. Heather is not some always grinning, simplistic, happy go lucky person. But she brings JOY wherever she goes.
I have never met someone that doesn’t like Heather. I’m serious. Why would anyone not like her? I know a whole truckload of people who absolutely adore Heather. That is the prevailing opinion I get from fifteen years of talking to people about my wife. Heather brightens any room she walks into. She leaves an very positive impression on people. This is why patients love her, attending doctors love her, co-workers love her, friends love her, family members love her. You can’t help but love a person like that. When I show up somewhere with the kids and Heather isn’t there (due to work), people always get this disappointed look and ask, “Oh, where’s Heather.” It happened last week when I went to see my family in West Palm Beach. When they found out we were coming back in October, that wasn’t as good of news as the fact that Heather was coming too.
Heather smells good. (I know that sounds random, but it will make sense in a minute.) I have always been impressed by how she always smells so nice. When Heather is getting ready in the morning, our bathroom smells like her body wash and spray. But that smell soon drifts into our bedroom and then into the kitchen and living room. Heather’s schedule is always changing at work. So sometimes she will not need to get up and ready until after I am driving the kids to school. I love coming back into the house and smelling Winter Candy Apple as soon as I get in the door. That is lot like the impact Heather makes in her world. She exudes JOY and love and it affects everyone around her.
I don’t begrudge all of these good feelings about my wife. I completely understand. We all feel the same way at our house. The kids are happier when she is home. The dogs lose their minds when she drives up at the end of the day. They will hear the car engine as it enters the driveway. It doesn’t matter what they were doing - even if it was snuggling someone else on the couch - they will leap up and run to the door. By the time the alarm beeps, Minnie is scratching and the door like a crazy person. Katie is standing there with her tail violently wagging. When Heather comes in, they assault her and jump all over until she snuggles them. This doesn’t happen when I get home or the kids get home. Just Heather.
You know those people who you just want to be around? That’s Heather. And that is because of the JOY in her. I have been fortunate enough to experience that JOYFUL person for fifteen years now - actually for seventeen years. Even before we were dating, I felt the pull to this person. I wanted her at church events. Part of that was because I thought she was cute. But it also was because she made every room brighter and every gathering better. She isn’t a dance-on-the-table center-of-attention type of person. But she is one of those people that you want around. She brings a sense of peace and calm to her world. That is why she is such a good doctor.
I remember distinctly one time I recognized JOY in myself. It was before we moved to Tallahassee. I was driving home from work in the evening. I had taught my Bible class earlier at International Community School. Then I raced over to the Apple Store for my evening shift. Then I drove back across town to our apartment. I was dead tired. But I felt so happy and so fulfilled at that point. I loved my jobs (I was working four different part-time jobs). I loved my family. I just felt happy and content and complete. That isn’t to say that was the only time that I have felt that. But it may have been the first time I really grasped what it felt like. It was what Inside Out called a Core Memory. I “got” JOY. I know I have felt it again since then. That time just really resonates with me as when I discovered JOY for myself. I wasn’t just watching it through the lives of other people, like my wife. I finally understood.
I always saw JOY as happiness. That was kind of the definition that I toted around for many many years. It was more than just average happiness - like a bigger version. Even the dictionary definition is “a feeling of great pleasure and happiness.” But I don’t think that is really accurate either. It seems too simple.
I would offer a different definition for JOY. I think it includes happiness for sure. But it also includes peace and contentment and completeness. It is like like a need you didn’t know you had was satisfied in a pleasing and wonderful way. I am not sure I really had experienced JOY many times as a younger person. It is a more complex emotion. I mean, I’ve been happy a bunch of times. When I got my Dallas Cowboys Tonka Truck in 1st grade for Christmas, I was happy. When my parents surprised me with a Sony Discman for my car in high school, I was very happy. When I eat Pizzeria Uno or Four Rivers BBQ I am happy. But none of those things really would be bringing JOY.
I don’t think I really began to understand what JOY was until I married Heather. That isn’t some ooey gooey sappy statement. It is true. And it wasn’t because I immediately had a ton of JOY for being married. But I was married to a person who was very JOYFUL. And that is where the difference between being happy and being JOYFUL becomes more clear. Heather is not some always grinning, simplistic, happy go lucky person. But she brings JOY wherever she goes.
I have never met someone that doesn’t like Heather. I’m serious. Why would anyone not like her? I know a whole truckload of people who absolutely adore Heather. That is the prevailing opinion I get from fifteen years of talking to people about my wife. Heather brightens any room she walks into. She leaves an very positive impression on people. This is why patients love her, attending doctors love her, co-workers love her, friends love her, family members love her. You can’t help but love a person like that. When I show up somewhere with the kids and Heather isn’t there (due to work), people always get this disappointed look and ask, “Oh, where’s Heather.” It happened last week when I went to see my family in West Palm Beach. When they found out we were coming back in October, that wasn’t as good of news as the fact that Heather was coming too.
Heather smells good. (I know that sounds random, but it will make sense in a minute.) I have always been impressed by how she always smells so nice. When Heather is getting ready in the morning, our bathroom smells like her body wash and spray. But that smell soon drifts into our bedroom and then into the kitchen and living room. Heather’s schedule is always changing at work. So sometimes she will not need to get up and ready until after I am driving the kids to school. I love coming back into the house and smelling Winter Candy Apple as soon as I get in the door. That is lot like the impact Heather makes in her world. She exudes JOY and love and it affects everyone around her.
I don’t begrudge all of these good feelings about my wife. I completely understand. We all feel the same way at our house. The kids are happier when she is home. The dogs lose their minds when she drives up at the end of the day. They will hear the car engine as it enters the driveway. It doesn’t matter what they were doing - even if it was snuggling someone else on the couch - they will leap up and run to the door. By the time the alarm beeps, Minnie is scratching and the door like a crazy person. Katie is standing there with her tail violently wagging. When Heather comes in, they assault her and jump all over until she snuggles them. This doesn’t happen when I get home or the kids get home. Just Heather.
You know those people who you just want to be around? That’s Heather. And that is because of the JOY in her. I have been fortunate enough to experience that JOYFUL person for fifteen years now - actually for seventeen years. Even before we were dating, I felt the pull to this person. I wanted her at church events. Part of that was because I thought she was cute. But it also was because she made every room brighter and every gathering better. She isn’t a dance-on-the-table center-of-attention type of person. But she is one of those people that you want around. She brings a sense of peace and calm to her world. That is why she is such a good doctor.
I remember distinctly one time I recognized JOY in myself. It was before we moved to Tallahassee. I was driving home from work in the evening. I had taught my Bible class earlier at International Community School. Then I raced over to the Apple Store for my evening shift. Then I drove back across town to our apartment. I was dead tired. But I felt so happy and so fulfilled at that point. I loved my jobs (I was working four different part-time jobs). I loved my family. I just felt happy and content and complete. That isn’t to say that was the only time that I have felt that. But it may have been the first time I really grasped what it felt like. It was what Inside Out called a Core Memory. I “got” JOY. I know I have felt it again since then. That time just really resonates with me as when I discovered JOY for myself. I wasn’t just watching it through the lives of other people, like my wife. I finally understood.
Jun 24, 2015
15 to 15: Stress
So here's the rundown. Wednesday, April 29, 2015 was exactly 15 weeks until our 15th anniversary. So in a countdown to the big day, I decided to start a weekly series of anecdotes from our 15 years of marriage. I am calling it 15 Weeks to 15 Years. Since everything needs a hashtag, it would be #15to15. I am utilizing the blog because I have a propensity to yammer a lot when I'm writing and no one would want to read a long status update. So be looking for these weekly entries.
We had an interesting conversation with our almost 14 year old the other day. We were telling him how he needed to take on more responsibility because he is getting older. We recently had set him up with a cell phone on the understanding that he would be willing to do more chores to offset the added cost to us. Shockingly (not), he did not follow through on his end of the bargain. So now he has to earn the cost of the phone by doing chores based on a pricing list that we have developed. He was not pleased with the new arrangement. He kept arguing about how this wasn't necessary and how he didn't want to do it. He finally made this statement: "I don't need this added stress in my life!"
The thing is, I remember saying stuff like that as a kid. STRESS. It is such an ugly word and carries such horrible connotations. I, like my son, believed that it was something to be avoided. It is a monster. Life would be better without it. The thing that I did not realize at the time was that stress is a part of life. It is just something that goes along with living. Things bring us stress. They don't even have to be bad things. A new job could be stressful. A new child is stressful. A move, a holiday, a party, a wedding, a big football game. Those all can bring stress. To try to avoid stress is to try to avoid living. My teenager is unconsciously doing that by wanting to lay on the couch all day playing Minecraft and Marvel Puzzle Quest. But that is not healthy because he isn't experiencing anything other that minor virtual victories.
We got annual passes to Carowinds - the "amusement park" up here on the border of the Carolinas. [Growing up in Florida, I am used to amusement parks that are jammed to the gills all the time. Carowinds is pleasantly empty, even when they believe they are busy.] There is a pretty cool waterpark within Carowinds. So we go there regularly for the kids to burn energy and play. It is a fun time, but it is immensely stressful to me. I have to drive an hour there and back. I have to keep track of three kids in an amusement park. I have to juggle the desires of a seven year old, who still loves wading pools and playgrounds, with two middle schoolers, who want to do more daring things. I have to fend off dozens of requests for Dippin Dots. I have to worry about sunscreen, thunderstorms, crowds, lines, parking lots, locker rentals, keeping track of our stuff. It is stressful ... to me. To them, it is fun. I'm not going to say we aren't going any more because it stresses me out. That would be ridiculous. The kids don't think trips to Carowinds (or Disney, Universal Studios, the zoo) are stressful because they are there to have fun. I take all that other stress on me. It is part of the event.
I think we go through different phases with stress. When we are young and immature, we try to avoid stress. We see it as a villain and spend our lives coming up with ways to not have to deal with it. Eventually, we understand that it is a necessity, but we don't want to have to deal with too much of it. We have enough in our own lives; we don't want to take on anyone else's. Think about teens and college students and how they handle stress. They will worry about their own mess - their classes, financial aid, bank accounts, laundry - but they are not going to take on more. They ditch friends and significant others when those relationships become too stressful. It isn't worth it. Eventually, they understand that taking on stress from another person is part of living with other people. So it also becomes an accepted part of life.
But that comes with a caveat. I recognize this from when Heather and I first got married. I knew that the things that were stressful to Heather would become stressful to me. And I accepted that. So I would try to minimize her stress - just like I used to minimize my own when I was younger. It wasn't because I cared if it stressed her. It was because it stressed me to have her stressed. That may seem very shallow and immature. You're right! It was. I remember having conversations with Heather, where she would say something was stressing her out. My solution was immediately to come up with ways to stop that stress. It may be me trying to fix it for her or to take on the stressing event myself. Or it may be me trying to explain to her how she should not be stressed by said event. As you can imagine, this worked extremely poorly. If Heather didn't buy into my pep talk, I would get angry and try harder to convince her - or throw my hands up in the air and say something caring like, "Well I don't know what to do then." My efforts to take on the stressing events would usually end in disaster as well. If it was something that came up frequently, I would get upset at the fact that my patch job didn't fix the issue for good. Which then led me to the pep talk, which I already explained didn't work. Or I was really bad at the task, which just made everything more stressful. Like bill paying. We have switched who was responsible for paying the bills several times in our marriage, and for several reasons. At first, it was me. But I sucked at it and frequently forgot to do things. I did it because it was stressful and I didn't want Heather stressed because that was more stressful. But not as stressful as being late on payments. So Heather took over to eliminate my stress and the late fees. Later I took back over, because she was so busy. Then she took over because I was busy. Now I do them again.
After that initial immature way we handled stress, we adopted a new strategy. I think it can best be described as "Not my circus; not my monkeys." This is a great way to deal with things when talking about people in your world, but not your house. A friend keeps posting all kinds of dramatic posts on Facebook? Just say, "Not my circus; not my monkeys." Someone at work starts complaining about the boss and how they hate corporate policy? "Not my circus; not my monkeys." But that is a very bad way to handle things in a marriage. You worry about your crap; I'll worry about mine. Yeah, that is healthy. That is doing life together. Not at all. I think I'm so excited about our 15th anniversary because during this NMC;NMM phase, I seriously wondered if we would get to 15. I think a lot of marriages crumble during this phase of life. And I do think most marriages go through a time like this.
We got past that and are now in a different phase. It looks similar to an earlier phase, but with a completely different mindset. There are times when I take on stuff that stresses Heather out, and she takes on stressful things for me. But it isn't because of trying to help myself. It is because I love her and don't want her to have to deal with another thing on her plate. (And vice versa.) I am taking on that stress for her sake. She is taking it on for mine. The bill paying? I do that because my wife has more than enough to worry about without having to keep track of bills. I try to keep up the house (we will keep my actual abilities out of this) because I don't want her to have to worry about it. I have the time; she doesn't. This is such a different way to look at stress. It is going to be there, but I am going to take some of it away because I can. Does it make it harder for me? Yes. And sometimes it makes it harder for her. But it is worth it. There have been times where I have had one of those days and I have said to her, "I just cannot make this phone call. Can you please do it?" And she will. Or there are days when she has just worked an overnight and she will ask me to take her car to get gas. So even if I just worked a shift for Kaplan, I'll go get her gas.
I find this way much superior. Stress is now just a part of life. We deal with it. We even will laugh sometimes at just how much stuff we are dealing with. You know those online stress tests? Something like this or this. We routinely test into the "danger zone" or "highly likely to have stress-induced health trouble." I just took them both again and same results. I am not worried though, because that ALWAYS HAPPENS. Health problems? Yup. Changes at work? Both of us, all the time. Moved recently? Yes. Moving soon? Yes. It just keeps on going. And compared to some people, we recognize that our lives are very calm. So we just deal and move on. Here's an example.
Monday was a crazy day. We had just gotten back from a weekend trip to Jacksonville. We drove five and a half hours down on Friday and back up five and a half hours on Sunday. After that, I ran over to my friend Greg's house to pick up a sofa. Greg and Christina are our two best friends her in Columbia. We were friends in Orlando and moved here at the same time. Greg is my best friend here. Well, now he lives in Manchester, England. He flew there on Monday and Christina flies there next Monday. So our best friends just moved to a different continent. Monday I woke up with my RA flaring up, probably due to the 11 hours of driving and moving said sofa. I dealt with the kids, did three hours of Kaplan work, then had a stress test at the heart clinic. HAHA. Stress test. It was a precaution because I am getting older. I kept telling the tech he didn't need to strap me up and put me on a treadmill. Just whisper stuff to me like, "Your son will be driving in sixteen months. You owe six figured in med school loans. College is just five years away. You have to move in a year." He laughed and then stuck me on the treadmill anyway.
I got back home and had to sign on to help teach a Kaplan class that evening. We also are watching some friends' dogs at their house and had to run over there twice. In my class, I screwed up twice with a timer and it freaked out another time. I got chewed out a little over that, which I hate. It eats at me because I am good at my job and I hate getting a mark on me because of something like a timer. After that class, I did another hour of other Kaplan work. I finally came down to watch a little TV with Heather around 10:15pm. Less than an hour later, Heather asks, "Why does it smell like chlorine in here?" I had been smelling something weird at the same time. That is never good. I know chlorine is a poisonous gas, so I got nervous. We started going around the house, trying to find the source. I couldn't smell it upstairs at all. It seemed isolated to the center wall of the house. It could have been the air handler. The filter was not due to be changed, but it was clearly covered with dust. I shut off the A/C, but the smell didn't stop. I could smell it our room, the kitchen, the living room, and the dining area. I called my in-laws and woke them up. They didn't know, but were concerned it was a burning outlet. Heather scoured Google and got a variety of answers, but nothing definitive.
On my in-laws' advice, I called 911. They told me they would send a truck. Two minutes later they called back. Apparently the chief was coming and wanted us to evacuate the house. We raced around and woke the kids up, grabbed the dogs, and got everyone in the car. FOUR fire trucks pulled up outside of our house: two big trucks, two suburbans. All the neighbors started coming out. Big burly firemen came up to the house. The head of the team was talking to us and then caught a whiff of my shirt. He turned to the firemen and said, "Put on your masks now. Let's get in there and find this." He was sure there was a burning outlet. For the next thirty minutes they went all around our house, checked every outlet, climbed into the attic and under the crawlspace. They checked everything. He finally called us back in and told us they found nothing, but thought maybe some lint had fallen into the A/C system and burned. Then the mammoth firemen asked me why my smoke alarms had their battery doors open. I honestly was more scared at that than anything else. "They work," I squeaked, "But they squawk at us if the doors are closed." They accepted that explanation and they told us we could go back in the house. The kids were (rightfully) terrified, so we stayed at a hotel instead.
The next morning (Tuesday) I dropped our fluffy Minnie dog off at the groomers, which was right by the hotel, and we ran some errands and went home. We later went and picked Minnie up and they had totally butchered her hair. It isn't on the scope of a fire, but it was stressful nonetheless.
The point of all of those stories was to show how now stress has just become life. As adults, we realize that. I found it interesting that during my "stress test," I was actually most stressed about the kids sitting out in the waiting room. I was most worried about them, not me. When I was catching my breath, the nurse offered me a second bottle of water. My response was that I was good, but my youngest son had said he was thirsty before I went in and I would take a bottle for him. That is being an adult. Marriage is about carrying each others' burdens out of love, not obligation or self-preservation. I think about how we handled Monday night and how we would have handled it in each of the other stages of our life together. We just worked like a team on Monday. Heather went over to calm the neighbors and I calmed the kids. We would swap back and forth to answer questions of the firemen. And even the decision to stay in the hotel was because of the kids. We were both exhausted enough to sleep anywhere at that point. The whole thing just became another story.
POST SCRIPT: We figured out that the smell was from a lightbulb burning out. Yes. A lightbulb. When I had been googling for causes of a chlorine smell, I saw one post about the newer lights putting off a horrible odor when the burn out - like chlorine gas. I checked our lights, but didn't see any with issues. I did not check one lamp in our bedroom. Apparently, it was burning out that night and burned out when the firemen were inside. The smell started to dissipate, except in our room. During the day yesterday, I still found a faint trace of chlorine in our room. When I went to turn that lamp on last night, I noticed the bulb was out. It was scorched where the glass coils matched up with the base. I sniffed it and verily I detected chlorine. So it was all just a lightbulb. Keep that in mind if you ever are wondering why your entire downstairs smells like a combination of poisonous gas and burning outlets.
The thing is, I remember saying stuff like that as a kid. STRESS. It is such an ugly word and carries such horrible connotations. I, like my son, believed that it was something to be avoided. It is a monster. Life would be better without it. The thing that I did not realize at the time was that stress is a part of life. It is just something that goes along with living. Things bring us stress. They don't even have to be bad things. A new job could be stressful. A new child is stressful. A move, a holiday, a party, a wedding, a big football game. Those all can bring stress. To try to avoid stress is to try to avoid living. My teenager is unconsciously doing that by wanting to lay on the couch all day playing Minecraft and Marvel Puzzle Quest. But that is not healthy because he isn't experiencing anything other that minor virtual victories.
We got annual passes to Carowinds - the "amusement park" up here on the border of the Carolinas. [Growing up in Florida, I am used to amusement parks that are jammed to the gills all the time. Carowinds is pleasantly empty, even when they believe they are busy.] There is a pretty cool waterpark within Carowinds. So we go there regularly for the kids to burn energy and play. It is a fun time, but it is immensely stressful to me. I have to drive an hour there and back. I have to keep track of three kids in an amusement park. I have to juggle the desires of a seven year old, who still loves wading pools and playgrounds, with two middle schoolers, who want to do more daring things. I have to fend off dozens of requests for Dippin Dots. I have to worry about sunscreen, thunderstorms, crowds, lines, parking lots, locker rentals, keeping track of our stuff. It is stressful ... to me. To them, it is fun. I'm not going to say we aren't going any more because it stresses me out. That would be ridiculous. The kids don't think trips to Carowinds (or Disney, Universal Studios, the zoo) are stressful because they are there to have fun. I take all that other stress on me. It is part of the event.
I think we go through different phases with stress. When we are young and immature, we try to avoid stress. We see it as a villain and spend our lives coming up with ways to not have to deal with it. Eventually, we understand that it is a necessity, but we don't want to have to deal with too much of it. We have enough in our own lives; we don't want to take on anyone else's. Think about teens and college students and how they handle stress. They will worry about their own mess - their classes, financial aid, bank accounts, laundry - but they are not going to take on more. They ditch friends and significant others when those relationships become too stressful. It isn't worth it. Eventually, they understand that taking on stress from another person is part of living with other people. So it also becomes an accepted part of life.
But that comes with a caveat. I recognize this from when Heather and I first got married. I knew that the things that were stressful to Heather would become stressful to me. And I accepted that. So I would try to minimize her stress - just like I used to minimize my own when I was younger. It wasn't because I cared if it stressed her. It was because it stressed me to have her stressed. That may seem very shallow and immature. You're right! It was. I remember having conversations with Heather, where she would say something was stressing her out. My solution was immediately to come up with ways to stop that stress. It may be me trying to fix it for her or to take on the stressing event myself. Or it may be me trying to explain to her how she should not be stressed by said event. As you can imagine, this worked extremely poorly. If Heather didn't buy into my pep talk, I would get angry and try harder to convince her - or throw my hands up in the air and say something caring like, "Well I don't know what to do then." My efforts to take on the stressing events would usually end in disaster as well. If it was something that came up frequently, I would get upset at the fact that my patch job didn't fix the issue for good. Which then led me to the pep talk, which I already explained didn't work. Or I was really bad at the task, which just made everything more stressful. Like bill paying. We have switched who was responsible for paying the bills several times in our marriage, and for several reasons. At first, it was me. But I sucked at it and frequently forgot to do things. I did it because it was stressful and I didn't want Heather stressed because that was more stressful. But not as stressful as being late on payments. So Heather took over to eliminate my stress and the late fees. Later I took back over, because she was so busy. Then she took over because I was busy. Now I do them again.
After that initial immature way we handled stress, we adopted a new strategy. I think it can best be described as "Not my circus; not my monkeys." This is a great way to deal with things when talking about people in your world, but not your house. A friend keeps posting all kinds of dramatic posts on Facebook? Just say, "Not my circus; not my monkeys." Someone at work starts complaining about the boss and how they hate corporate policy? "Not my circus; not my monkeys." But that is a very bad way to handle things in a marriage. You worry about your crap; I'll worry about mine. Yeah, that is healthy. That is doing life together. Not at all. I think I'm so excited about our 15th anniversary because during this NMC;NMM phase, I seriously wondered if we would get to 15. I think a lot of marriages crumble during this phase of life. And I do think most marriages go through a time like this.
We got past that and are now in a different phase. It looks similar to an earlier phase, but with a completely different mindset. There are times when I take on stuff that stresses Heather out, and she takes on stressful things for me. But it isn't because of trying to help myself. It is because I love her and don't want her to have to deal with another thing on her plate. (And vice versa.) I am taking on that stress for her sake. She is taking it on for mine. The bill paying? I do that because my wife has more than enough to worry about without having to keep track of bills. I try to keep up the house (we will keep my actual abilities out of this) because I don't want her to have to worry about it. I have the time; she doesn't. This is such a different way to look at stress. It is going to be there, but I am going to take some of it away because I can. Does it make it harder for me? Yes. And sometimes it makes it harder for her. But it is worth it. There have been times where I have had one of those days and I have said to her, "I just cannot make this phone call. Can you please do it?" And she will. Or there are days when she has just worked an overnight and she will ask me to take her car to get gas. So even if I just worked a shift for Kaplan, I'll go get her gas.
I find this way much superior. Stress is now just a part of life. We deal with it. We even will laugh sometimes at just how much stuff we are dealing with. You know those online stress tests? Something like this or this. We routinely test into the "danger zone" or "highly likely to have stress-induced health trouble." I just took them both again and same results. I am not worried though, because that ALWAYS HAPPENS. Health problems? Yup. Changes at work? Both of us, all the time. Moved recently? Yes. Moving soon? Yes. It just keeps on going. And compared to some people, we recognize that our lives are very calm. So we just deal and move on. Here's an example.
Monday was a crazy day. We had just gotten back from a weekend trip to Jacksonville. We drove five and a half hours down on Friday and back up five and a half hours on Sunday. After that, I ran over to my friend Greg's house to pick up a sofa. Greg and Christina are our two best friends her in Columbia. We were friends in Orlando and moved here at the same time. Greg is my best friend here. Well, now he lives in Manchester, England. He flew there on Monday and Christina flies there next Monday. So our best friends just moved to a different continent. Monday I woke up with my RA flaring up, probably due to the 11 hours of driving and moving said sofa. I dealt with the kids, did three hours of Kaplan work, then had a stress test at the heart clinic. HAHA. Stress test. It was a precaution because I am getting older. I kept telling the tech he didn't need to strap me up and put me on a treadmill. Just whisper stuff to me like, "Your son will be driving in sixteen months. You owe six figured in med school loans. College is just five years away. You have to move in a year." He laughed and then stuck me on the treadmill anyway.
I got back home and had to sign on to help teach a Kaplan class that evening. We also are watching some friends' dogs at their house and had to run over there twice. In my class, I screwed up twice with a timer and it freaked out another time. I got chewed out a little over that, which I hate. It eats at me because I am good at my job and I hate getting a mark on me because of something like a timer. After that class, I did another hour of other Kaplan work. I finally came down to watch a little TV with Heather around 10:15pm. Less than an hour later, Heather asks, "Why does it smell like chlorine in here?" I had been smelling something weird at the same time. That is never good. I know chlorine is a poisonous gas, so I got nervous. We started going around the house, trying to find the source. I couldn't smell it upstairs at all. It seemed isolated to the center wall of the house. It could have been the air handler. The filter was not due to be changed, but it was clearly covered with dust. I shut off the A/C, but the smell didn't stop. I could smell it our room, the kitchen, the living room, and the dining area. I called my in-laws and woke them up. They didn't know, but were concerned it was a burning outlet. Heather scoured Google and got a variety of answers, but nothing definitive.
The point of all of those stories was to show how now stress has just become life. As adults, we realize that. I found it interesting that during my "stress test," I was actually most stressed about the kids sitting out in the waiting room. I was most worried about them, not me. When I was catching my breath, the nurse offered me a second bottle of water. My response was that I was good, but my youngest son had said he was thirsty before I went in and I would take a bottle for him. That is being an adult. Marriage is about carrying each others' burdens out of love, not obligation or self-preservation. I think about how we handled Monday night and how we would have handled it in each of the other stages of our life together. We just worked like a team on Monday. Heather went over to calm the neighbors and I calmed the kids. We would swap back and forth to answer questions of the firemen. And even the decision to stay in the hotel was because of the kids. We were both exhausted enough to sleep anywhere at that point. The whole thing just became another story.
POST SCRIPT: We figured out that the smell was from a lightbulb burning out. Yes. A lightbulb. When I had been googling for causes of a chlorine smell, I saw one post about the newer lights putting off a horrible odor when the burn out - like chlorine gas. I checked our lights, but didn't see any with issues. I did not check one lamp in our bedroom. Apparently, it was burning out that night and burned out when the firemen were inside. The smell started to dissipate, except in our room. During the day yesterday, I still found a faint trace of chlorine in our room. When I went to turn that lamp on last night, I noticed the bulb was out. It was scorched where the glass coils matched up with the base. I sniffed it and verily I detected chlorine. So it was all just a lightbulb. Keep that in mind if you ever are wondering why your entire downstairs smells like a combination of poisonous gas and burning outlets.
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